I Just Have To Share...

[StoryJunkie]

Being writers, I thought you'd be interested in this e-mail my sister sent me the other day. I nearly peed myself by the time I got to #12, and was wiping tears out of my eyes by the end. Have a great week!

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.  These excerpts are published each year, to the amusement of teachers across the country.  Here are last year's winners.....

1.  Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2.  His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3.  He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4.  She grew on him like she was a colony of E.  Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5.  She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6.  Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7.  He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8.  The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9.  The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10.  McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11.  From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 700 p.m.  instead of 730.

12.  Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13.  Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm  at a speed of 35 mph.

14.  They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

15.  John and Mary had never met.  They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16.  He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

17.  Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18.  Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

19.  The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.  But unlike Phil, this just might work.

20.  The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21.  He was as lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22.  The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23.  It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24.  He was deeply in love.  When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[Guest Alien Pirate Pixagi]

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

[Guest lightgoddess]

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 

ROTF! That was my fave one, Pix!

[Guest Adara]

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

LMFAO...I can't wait to use this one....

[Guest chibi4president]

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 700 p.m. instead of 730.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

WTF?!

[Guest Jackie_Boi]

I saw this list in another thread...can't remember tho. Still funny even after reading em for the 5th time.

[Guest Zimarah]

That made my day.

[Guest xirene]

Totally hilarious...had to cut and paste into email. Some of those are just classic.

[Guest Pink Lace]

7.  He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

Genius!

[Guest Zimarah]

9.  The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Lifted from Douglas Adams?

[Guest Corvis]

19.  The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.  But unlike Phil, this just might work.

*snorts*

These were hilarious!

[StoryJunkie]

you guys should try reading them out loud!

It's hard to be coherent

[Guest Enchanted Faery]

17.  Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this just might work.

This two are great! i so need to use them!

This had me cracking up!

[Guest Agaib]

Lifted from Douglas Adams?

Those were My thoughts exactly. Though I don't remember that EXACT metaphor from his books, it is very much in his style.