Aeyugn
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Posts posted by Aeyugn
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15 hours ago, HunterOpera said:
Huh. Reading over them again, I can see that.
With these last few chapters I’ve been trying to dig into the last few layers of both my villains and my heroine, so there’s been some limited perspective in those chapters. You’re right, though – the technical stuff is there, but I needed to dig into their perspective of Samus more, their idea that she was a broken husk. It would have made the ending of Melissa and the whole of Samus Aran more powerful, I think, if I had done the thing properly.
This is why writers need editors, and why this writer needs more coffee. : p
But editors are pesky and never tell you what you want to hear!
Caught the latest chapter as well. I’m a little confused. I thought Samus was still wearing the Minus Suit (in Melissa)? My memory might be faulty, but I don’t think that she managed to escape from that particular entrapment yet, unless I’m misunderstanding how the suit works.
At any rate, greatly enjoyed reading the latest chapter, as you might’ve expected. But because I can’t let you leave feeling self-satisfied, have some pickiness: you use the phrase “ clucking to herself“ twice in this chapter, which of course makes the entire chapter literally garbage and entirely unreadable.
Thanks for the work you’ve put into this story so far!
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Just finished reading the updates! Technically well-written as always, but I think there seems to be a scene missing from either Melissa or Damara. Sort of an ‘all hope is lost’ kind of moment. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Hmmm. Maybe that I couldn’t really feel Samus’ humiliation? It didn’t seem visceral enough, I think. Not exactly the right notion, but close.
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3 hours ago, HunterOpera said:
The spoiler is, of course, that Samus is going to get out of this just fine. We’ve got one more chapter of her in misery and most of another after that, but then we’ll get into Samus saving first herself and then everyone else. That was the plan right from the start, and I’m hoping that the initial reversal plays out as well as I thought it would when I initially plotted this whole thing out. We’ll see, I guess.
Yeah, it’s pretty cool that you’re keeping the Metroid motifs in mind when writing this. It makes the story not just smut. Authors should always keep in mind the impressions and compositions of the original source material - I feel as though a lot of writers miss out on that.
For some constructive feedback: I feel as though the strongest part of your story so far was been the cavern arc. I’m not 100% sure as to why, but I think it’s where I most believe that it’s Samus. She was physically inferior (as in most of the games), but ingenuity saw her though it. It was this part that made me actively root for her. The arc was short, but the payoff was great! I can sense the same sort of tension building now that we’re towards the end of the story, and am hoping for the same sort of sense of victory,
I’d also like to humbly ask that you don’t make the ending abrupt. I think that it’s a real shame how many authors, published or otherwise, don’t quite seem to deal with ‘the return’. That is: the hero has won, but we, the readers, need to be able to see the results of the success. We need to see the effects on the hero, their world, and if appropriate, the villains. To put it succinctly, it’s not just about the journey, but also the destination.
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Just found this story and I’ve gotta say: it’s damn good. Had to register. Had to.
Thematically, I’m still hoping for a Samus victory, just to complete the pseudo-hero’s journey you’ve written. Great suffering should lead to great triumph, and all that. Plus, the potential reversal of roles (between Samus and her tormentors) would be so, so sweet.
Thanks for your writing, keep it up!
Metroid - the Bergman Affair feedback, comments, and workshopping
in General
Posted
Yep, used to be one IRL, but then I became an engineer. No idea how that happened though.
Thanks for the clarification with regards to the minus suit, helpful stuff. The climax was well done – I especially like the swift action. It really shows that they really couldn’t have competed with Samus physically. I’m curious about what the long-term effects of this ordeal is going to have on Samus personally. The galactic backdrop is nice, but I find I get more invested in the smaller world rather than the larger.