kisakimiko

Dear Libby
You poor dear, I am so glad you came to me. I understand this is going to take a woman's touch. A man who listens that well is simply not to be passed up. Now dear, next time you go to your beloved, don't let anyone know your plans. Often the love of an older man and a young woman is not understood. And your man has been hanging around awhile sweetheart.
So, you will need a few simple items you can pick up at the hardware. A new shovel, sorry they took the first one from you. A bit of paint thinner, and some ladies garden gloves. Then a few empty bottles from the recycling, and some cloth and a sword if you can manage it. You may have to go to the mall for that last bit. Fill the bottles with the paint thinner and stuff cloth into the tops. You will light them later as a makeshift bomb. Now isn't that fun! Don't forget to pick up a lighter as I am sure you don't smoke young lady, nasty habit.
Now, a few weeks hence. When the police have forgotten your existence you will leap into action. Ignite and throw the little bomb things somewhere close to the graveyard, but not too close. Then use this time to slip in and unearth your intended. This is where the shovel comes in handy and the garden gloves. Now if you do not dig fast you may have to deal with the staff. I am hoping it does not come to this, but if it does you must use the sword on whomever shows up. You will not be with your love if you can not do this.
Oh, and although a full moon is tempting, resist. It will be too easy to spot you when things get well, a little chaotic.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Dear Dr. Evil Genius
I am so sorry. Stab it with a good kitchen knife dear, or perhaps a scalpel, possibly you could flay it for funzies? But on second thought this could just be a staff training issue. Clearly it is a good minion's job to keep you unfettered by weeabo interlopers.
If you are feeling benevolent, may I suggest teaching your minion(s) to direct your scathingly annoying self titled bff to 4chan? I believe it will keep them occupied for hours. They won't even remember what they wanted to talk to you about. I hate to think what may become of our world if you do not get back to work.
Still waiting on your next story,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Dear Libby
You poor dear, I am so glad you came to me. I understand this is going to take a woman's touch. A man who listens that well is simply not to be passed up. Now dear, next time you go to your beloved, don't let anyone know your plans. Often the love of an older man and a young woman is not understood. And your man has been hanging around awhile sweetheart.
So, you will need a few simple items you can pick up at the hardware. A new shovel, sorry they took the first one from you. A bit of paint thinner, and some ladies garden gloves. Then a few empty bottles from the recycling, and some cloth and a sword if you can manage it. You may have to go to the mall for that last bit. Fill the bottles with the paint thinner and stuff cloth into the tops. You will light them later as a makeshift bomb. Now isn't that fun! Don't forget to pick up a lighter as I am sure you don't smoke young lady, nasty habit.
Now, a few weeks hence. When the police have forgotten your existence you will leap into action. Ignite and throw the little bomb things somewhere close to the graveyard, but not too close. Then use this time to slip in and unearth your intended. This is where the shovel comes in handy and the garden gloves. Now if you do not dig fast you may have to deal with the staff. I am hoping it does not come to this, but if it does you must use the sword on whomever shows up. You will not be with your love if you can not do this.
Oh, and although a full moon is tempting, resist. It will be too easy to spot you when things get well, a little chaotic.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Dear Lolita,
I am an 11 year old girl. I have my own house and live with my baby sister, though she's not around much. (There's a girl who's kind'a mean but keeps an eye on her, usually from the bushes.) I work in my garden and play with my friends a lot almost every day.
It's weird to talk about 'cause it's kind of gross 'n all but a while ago I learned about touching myself. I usually think about boys when I do it too. But then one night last week I was taking a bath when a friend suddenly banged on my door. She was all crying and dirty and rambling someone was gonna hurt her. She's a little younger than me and has ADD real bad, but I never saw her this bad before.
I ended up giving her a bath and told her to stay in awhile 'cause I was gonna go to my bedroom and do it real quick. But she was still really scared and made me get in the tub with her too. Before I knew it I was doing stuff to her and me at the same time. It felt so good!
But now I'm berry confused. Does this mean I'm gay?


Love,
Strawberry S. ♥ ♥ ♥ P.S. I don't know if it makes any difference at all, but a couple days later her, another girl, me, and my cat all did that kind of stuff together too.

Dear Dr. Evil Genius, Sasha and Sebastien
I do hope the three of you are together. It is important that you look out for one another. I am also relieved to hear you are in the chemical lab, that will come in handy.
I have been doing quite a bit of research for you trying to identify this creature. From what I can tell it is what is known as a Mary Sue variant. It will be perfect and untrappable and seemingly possess super powers that change to meet every mutating need in their environment. I believe this is why she sparkles as well. This will make her very difficult to trap although she may be tricked into eating poison.
May I suggest putting together a sort of snack try for her loaded with something nasty of your choice. I am sure your chemical lab is just filled with goodies like that. She must be hungry if she is trying to eat Sebastien! But just to be safe try for cat and snake shaped snacks.
Routing for team Evil,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Dear Dr. Evil Genius, Sasha and Sebastien
I do hope the three of you are together. It is important that you look out for one another. I am also relieved to hear you are in the chemical lab, that will come in handy.
I have been doing quite a bit of research for you trying to identify this creature. From what I can tell it is what is known as a Mary Sue variant. It will be perfect and untrappable and seemingly possess super powers that change to meet every mutating need in their environment. I believe this is why she sparkles as well. This will make her very difficult to trap although she may be tricked into eating poison.
May I suggest putting together a sort of snack try for her loaded with something nasty of your choice. I am sure your chemical lab is just filled with goodies like that. She must be hungry if she is trying to eat Sebastien! But just to be safe try for cat and snake shaped snacks.
Routing for team Evil,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Dear Dr. Evil Genius,
My word Dr. It is a good thing you are a man of science who has an acid vat handy. Immune to fire indeed what an awfully strange thing. Where on earth did you meet this abhorrition of a girl? I daresay Dr. you should not visit where ever it was again. And do finish writing your porn, dear, the world awaits.
Now, the parents. You poor man, you are just overrun with this! Are there any clues as to what the father may be attempting to do in your room? Sniffing around for his crazy spawn perhaps, are you quite sure you got all the evidence into the vat? Aside from those glorious eyes I would like to see someday, but I am sure you have those in preservative.
The Mother glitters you say? That is alarming and quite out of cannon unless she is a faerie. I can not for the life of me think of any faeries that dine on cats. Fortunately for the both of you, your cat is a fine specimen and deigns to be touched.
Well Dr. I think you vat of acid is going to be of great use here again, for like the seed the stalk will fall. I would not trust any other method for their disposal at this point. I am particularly worried about the Mother, the daughter had to come by all of that crazy somewhere and this glimmering cat killer is my bet. I can not stress enough how careful you are to be around her until we can determine WTF or she is dead.
Awaiting your reply,
Mrs. Tightbottom
P.S. Who does that woman think she is going around glittering.

Dear Dr. Evil Genius
Oh my my. That is quite a problem. Now I presume she is yandere or tsundere. Unfortunately you are left with only two choices.
A. Get a ring. B. Kill it with fire and acid. And do be sure, dear, that you fully cremate the body and not just burn it as there is NOTHING more tiresome than an undead yandere.
You can decapitate her but you must not forget to de-brain the head. A zombie tsundere head could still chant aishiteru at you annoyingly.
My condolences,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Dear Patrick
I am delighted you asked! Cattle prods can be used in a variety of ways to produce both pain and pleasure, and more often than not a little of both. Wink wink nod nod.
If your stalker knows her prods, my bet is she does you lucky thing, you will not need to worry. She will know not to cross your heart with the current. Carpets and wool should be no problem. Yes avoid water dear or any other strong conductor.
Now boio if you wake in a kilt I would say your worries are OVER. But if you happen to see a leaf blower get ready for your closeup. And be a dear send old Mrs. Tightbottom copies of the prints.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Ok random thought today and a very funny one. How would us adult writers answer questions like those posed to Dear Abby, Ask the Dr., Letters From the Lovelorn etc.
Shadowknight12 thank you for coming up with the great name!!! Shoutbox discussion also provided another hilarious facet.
Please answer or address your questions to any appropriate Tightbottom family member, they all have different kinks - er specialties - you know. Feel free to post about new Tightbottom family members if you find one!!!
Lets get to know the existing family. Thank you shoutboxers for helping me get the family together, you guys rock.
Mrs. Tightbottom: All-purpose advice.
Mistress Lacivia Tightbottom: BDSM. aka "Auntie Tightbottom"
Mr. Tightbottom: Vanilla.
Jack Tightbottom: Auto-erotic Explorations
Sean Tightbottom: Shotacon.
Lolita Tightbottom: Lolicon.
Granny Grabby Tightbottom: Tentacle Porn
Uncles Mo & Lester Tightbottom: NonCon/Incest
All of the Tightbottoms are looking forward to your letters.

Dear Dr. Evil Genius
I am so sorry. Stab it with a good kitchen knife dear, or perhaps a scalpel, possibly you could flay it for funzies? But on second thought this could just be a staff training issue. Clearly it is a good minion's job to keep you unfettered by weeabo interlopers.
If you are feeling benevolent, may I suggest teaching your minion(s) to direct your scathingly annoying self titled bff to 4chan? I believe it will keep them occupied for hours. They won't even remember what they wanted to talk to you about. I hate to think what may become of our world if you do not get back to work.
Still waiting on your next story,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Dear Patrick
I am delighted you asked! Cattle prods can be used in a variety of ways to produce both pain and pleasure, and more often than not a little of both. Wink wink nod nod.
If your stalker knows her prods, my bet is she does you lucky thing, you will not need to worry. She will know not to cross your heart with the current. Carpets and wool should be no problem. Yes avoid water dear or any other strong conductor.
Now boio if you wake in a kilt I would say your worries are OVER. But if you happen to see a leaf blower get ready for your closeup. And be a dear send old Mrs. Tightbottom copies of the prints.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Tightbottom

Ok random thought today and a very funny one. How would us adult writers answer questions like those posed to Dear Abby, Ask the Dr., Letters From the Lovelorn etc.
Shadowknight12 thank you for coming up with the great name!!! Shoutbox discussion also provided another hilarious facet.
Please answer or address your questions to any appropriate Tightbottom family member, they all have different kinks - er specialties - you know. Feel free to post about new Tightbottom family members if you find one!!!
Lets get to know the existing family. Thank you shoutboxers for helping me get the family together, you guys rock.
Mrs. Tightbottom: All-purpose advice.
Mistress Lacivia Tightbottom: BDSM. aka "Auntie Tightbottom"
Mr. Tightbottom: Vanilla.
Jack Tightbottom: Auto-erotic Explorations
Sean Tightbottom: Shotacon.
Lolita Tightbottom: Lolicon.
Granny Grabby Tightbottom: Tentacle Porn
Uncles Mo & Lester Tightbottom: NonCon/Incest
All of the Tightbottoms are looking forward to your letters.

Pen Name: kisakimiko
Story link: Horny Plenty
Type of fic: TwitFic
Rating: Adult
Fandom: Original.
Pairing: N/A.
Warnings: Bad poetry, no sex