Review Replies – AFF Prompt/Sand: An Early Chill

[Anesor]

I'm replying to the reviews of the short, short story "An Early Chill" here. I expect more drabbles will continue her story in the future.

Sand was a nice prompt to help gel the character/setting, as I remember the bottles of layered sand sold at the local Renaissance faire in mostly neon colors. It also gelled with the sand paintngs of the navaho, and even the ephemeralness of chalk painings on the sidewalk.

This first version came quickly, and posting correctly is slow for me, so there will be edits in the next few days.

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pittwitch said:

Wow, interesting use of the sand ... very different. Very well done. Makes me want to read more! Thanks for sharing, PW

Thanks! I wanted to do something different than beaches, and thought of colored sands. There should be more, especially if future prompts lend to the overall story in my head.

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Apollo, the site god, said:

Welcome to the prompts Anesor! I like the apparent theme in the story, but do have to admit that I had a bit of a hard time reading in some areas. I'm not sure if it's the phrasing or your missing words but it jarred me enough that it was difficult to read.

(...examples of terse places snipped...)

Over all though, I like the sand concept! Ren Faires are always fun and I think this is a wonderfully unique way to express the prompt!

Thanks! Though this is my second prompt, as I did the ending one too, but this is my first original piece since teh mid-80's. I'm sorry I was a little too terse in my phrasing. It may be the typing, or perhaps a little too much adhernce to a writer's advice I took to heart a long time ago. He said write your story and cut 20% out. I cut too much out, as the revisions of a 57k word story took it to 80k after I put descriptions in. I plan to fix these tonight or tomorrow.

I'm planning to do prompts when the word and concept is in some way integral to what I write. Or at least try.

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Melrick commented:

I've never been to one of those things (probably because there's none around here) but I always wanted to. I think the story could do with some more proofreading, to be honest, just to iron out some more bugs, but over all, an interesting use of the prompt!

I've been to three different faires, and they actually can vary a lot. I even was a kind of Ren rat for three years, evne if I almost never wore the garb. I did though do a riff/prank with and to a couple of the actors on one closing day, and one friend has a booth so I hear a lot of the backstage stuff too. You should see one once, just don't expect anything resembling accuracy at any of them.

I hadn't seen anything before I posted, but I will be revising per Apollo's comments real soon. Thanks for the review!

[Anesor]

Fairy Slayer commented:

For whatever reason, I had a very hard time following the action. Sometimes it seemed like the focus had shifted away from Ruth (to Erica, etc.) but really hadn't. There was just enough detail missing to make what was there seem incomplete. It didn't help that it all started in an odd place, with the bees not there seeming well out of context.

The effort to create an overall mood is there, but everything else is too misty to get a good detailed view of what's really happening. The penultimate paragraph, feeling heat from the picture's sun, was intriguing, but her reaction was too vague.

I know it's just a challenge and time may have been an issue, etc. I was tempted not to comment, but how would that help you? Besides, if everyone else disagrees with me (and can explain why) then maybe I'll learn something too.

I'm really not sure how to answer this comment as a whole. There is very little action in the story, almost all of it is setting and character. Just a faire worker who's struggling with life and cold weather, having something odd happen. (Workers at those booths don't make enough to survive on that work alone.)

I could have skipped naming extras, but that is a gripe of mine that too many other people in amateur fics are nameless, not even acquantances of casual friends. Leaving off the few named people would have made Ruth too much a stranger in her own job/world. The threat of stinging critters to staff and customers was a hazard at the fairs I went to, I really want that detail for the setting's authenticity.

I'm not sure how much more detail I can include, when the entire flash was Ruth working the cold end of a renaissance faire and her being shocked by a weird sand painting she made. What was missing then?