lazyninjas

LazyNinjas Thread

Recommended Posts

This will be the forum thread where I will discuss future stories, post updates about stories being posted, and where I hope most of you will interact and tell me ideas or thoughts on stories or series I’m working on. Glad to see you here and don’t be afraid to be critical. As long as your not trolling I won’t have a problem with you voicing any displeasure you have. So I hope this thread works out. Later everyone 

 

Sincerely.

LazyNinjas

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, lazyninjas

I just wanted to pop on and offer up some praise and advise on one of your stories. So, I’ve been reading Security Check the one staring Nina Dobrev. Good choice btw, she’s really fine…  Some of my comments will revolve around the story itself, most will be of a more general nature, things I think you can do to improve clarity and help your story flow. Here goes:

  1. I think the first, and most important thing you can do to help your story flow, is to make sure you go through it for mistakes and incongruities. Any time your reader has to back track or do a double take to try and figure out what is going on, is a chance you might lose them. In fact, one of the first things I noticed about Security Check was that the gender of Nina’s friend seems to change… I’m guessing its because Hannah wasn’t originally a girl, and when you changed that, you missed some the things you’d already written about Nina’s friend. Where I first noticed this is when the security guard tells Nina they found drugs enough drugs on him to be considered smuggling. I had to go back and look because I thought you said her friend’s name was Hannah. Its little things like that, which can really throw a reader off, and make them doubt the narration. Once they do, there’s a good chance you’ll lose them. Editing is really key here, and trust me, I know from experience its not always easy to spot mistakes in your own work. The best tip I can offer here is to read your story backwards. Start with the bottom paragraph and work your way up. Also, and I know this sounds silly, but reading it out loud also can make a huge difference, especially if you’re trying to decide if dialog sounds authentic or if a paragraph flows naturally.
  2. Believably: First, I know these are stories, its fiction and a certain suspension of disbelief goes along with these things, especially in the genre we write. But, where I raised an eye brow was how quickly the guard went from a fairly routine and professional pat down to saying he’d let Nina and her friend go if he could “fuck her in any way he wanted.” What I think would have been a more believable transition would be if he had made the pat down a little less professional, maybe even a tad humiliating. Then planted drugs on her and told her the only way out was to fuck him. Another route if you wanted to keep it more consensual would have been to slowly lead up to it. Try and put yourself in the guards shoes. I mean if you were a guard checking a super famous celeb for contraband, and through some miracle got lucky enough to not have 4 or 5 other guards with you, I doubt your first instinct when she asks if there “is anything she could do to change your mind,” would be to demand she fuck you. Most likely you’d think she meant a bribe or something less extreme. Going that route, you could start slow. Say instead of “fucking her in anyway you like,’ first demand a hand job or a even a BJ.  You know, something she might actually consent to. It seems you set her up to be frustrated and horny enough to accept fucking the guard, and even liking it, but remember, the guard doesn’t know that. He would likely offer something she would be more likely to give in to. I mean from there, things could quickly heat up to where you want them to go, and the whole transition would seem more natural.
  3.  Word Choice & Repetition: My final piece of criticism before I move on to the things I liked. You have to be very careful with repeating words. Because sometimes repetition can be good. If you’re really trying to drive a point home or draw a lot of emphasis to something, repeating it will make your reader pay attention. But you really have to pick and choose those moments, and repeating a word because you like it often doesn’t work. I know it can be hard to find substitutes, I love thesaurus.com I keep it open whenever I write. Where I really noticed extraneous repetition in Security Check was when Marcus and Nina started getting it on, you use the word “Baby” 7 or 8 times in as many paragraphs. Where something like that can work in porno, it doesn’t work at all in my opinion on the page. All it made me think was, yeah I get it, she’s liking it and she loves the word baby… Sadly, it really took me out of the action. There were other little moments where word choice made a big difference. This is just an example, but the paragraph which begins: “Nina moaned as his tongue made its way past her taunt little body.” This is a moment where the action is really heating up, but through repetition and odd phrasing really takes the reader out of the moment. Let’s analyze  this paragraph: 
    1. “Nina moaned as his tongue made its way past her taunt little body.” Past her body? I mean where did it go. You could say down, but you used down in the previous paragraph. Perhaps worked/along? Nina moaned as he worked his tongue along her taunt little body.
    2. “He went further and further down her body, making his way past her hips and pelvis before finally stopping the inside of her thigh, finally reaching the goal, and inhaled the sweet smell.” I’m going to assume an editing typo left out the word “at” between “stopping the,” but leaving that aside, This is a good hot sentence, but I think using both hips and pelvis is either too much, or the wrong sort of detail, (maybe I just prefer not to use pelvis).  also, the more specific your word choice, the better. I might have wrote it like this: He dipped further and further down her stomach, making his way past her hips to the inside of her thighs and his goal, stopping momentarily to breathe in her sweet smell. 
    3. “Nina felt him slowly spread her legs open further as he lowered his mouth down to her sweet honey pot that was oozing with feminine juice.” To put this as delicately as I can, there are a lot of problems with this. First, try to limit your adverb use as much as possible. I’m terrible at this but am trying to improve. We don’t need to know he slowly spread her legs, for one thing as he dipped between her legs, we’d already assume they were spread. Also, you don’t need to say he spread them ‘open,’ if they’re spread, they’re open. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I don’t like that word ooze. If you looked down on Nina Dobrev’s pussy, would you want to think of it as “oozing?” When I think of ooze, I think puss and sores… You might rewrite this sentence like: Marcus pressed her legs open as he lowered his mouth down to her sweet honey pot, grinning when he saw it was already soaked in her sweet juices.
      1. Thus, the paragraph might read: “Nina moaned as he worked his tongue along her taunt little body. He dipped further and further down her stomach, making his way past her hips to the inside of her thighs and his goal, stopping momentarily to breathe in her sweet smell. Marcus pressed her legs open as he lowered his mouth down to her sweet honey pot, grinning when he saw it was already soaked in her sweet juices.” instead.
  4. These are the three things I noticed while reading Security Check, that I think you could most focus on to improve the clarity and over all flow of your story. I realize this may be nit picking a bit, but in a lot of ways the success of your story rises and falls in the little details. I mean anyone can come up with an idea. Its the execution of that idea which sets writers apart. Remember that your painting a picture. You’re not summarizing or even telling a story really. You want your readers to see what you see and the absolute best way to do that is to make your visuals as concise, clear, and easy to follow as possible. Little details, clear and believable transitions of action along with proper editing and good word choice make all the difference in the world.

I really hope all that didn’t come across as harsh or mean. I’m just trying to offer you some honest, helpful criticism. So often people just comment hey, that was great. with out ever offering any specifics on what they liked or what they thought could be better. I hope my advice can help you develop your talent. Now, I promised some praise too :) so let me tell you what I think you do well.

  1. I think you have a great idea here, and great vision to tell your story. I think this is as believable a scenario as this genre of writing can be. You develop it well.  
    1. So first off, a great idea Nina getting pulled out of line for a random inspection. Its hot, and immediately sets your reader up for the nasty things to come.
    2. I can see immediately the vision you have for this story. The biggest problem as said above is using details to convey that awesome vision for the dirty things you want us to see done to this smoking hot celeb.
    3. Its believable, cause you know all those airport security guards who have to check such hot celebs through are all wishing this could happen and are dreaming of ways to make it happen. The only real problem with the believably is celebs like that would never be left in a room alone with one guy. However, that being said, its also not so crazy that I couldn’t suspend my disbelief and get in the moment… the super hot moment :).
    4. It is well developed. All the stuff with Nina’s friend, is believable, and realistically develops the scenario which leads up to her hot and heavy encounter with Marcus. Aside from the gender swap thing, this is really well done.

I guess the bottom line is, I think you have a lot of great potential. I just think you need to slow down and transform your idea into a vision we can all see. Anyway, I really hope you found this helpful. I’ve personally found that criticism like this far more helpful than the “this was greats’ of the review world. Specifics are where your story lives and dies, and analyzing them can, in my opinion only make things better.

Alright, that about does it for me, thanks again for being apart of my threads and offering up your opinions. I look forward to reading your next story.

I’m Back to the Black,

Mal

Edited by Mal

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is the exact kind of constructive criticism I want. You were not mean at all. In response to the first part of your critiques,  I can see why people can get lost in my stories sometimes because most of the time I don’t write my stories from beginning to end. I usually write the sex scenes first or I write dialogue that sounds hot in my mind, then build the story around that.  And the she and he was just me forgetting the s on she so I’m glad you caught that. I have fixed those parts that you mentioned. 

 

For the second part on believably. In my mind I found the guard asking for sex right away to be jarring on purpose, I tried to show people he’s assertive and knows what he wants. I can see people getting confused at that part but the way it worked out in my mind was that Nina found his “let’s not beat around the bush” attitude refreshing and made her willingly. I just didn’t add in the part for reasons I can’t remember. I will consider this going forward. 

 

For the word choice and repetition, I have been working on this issue since this story was originally written in April of 2016. I’ve been working on this problem and hope it’s getting better in other stories I’ve written since then. Also for future reference most of the stories that are posted on here will be from 2015-2016 so these problems may pop up again in stories you read unless I say that this was written in 2017 and beyond. 

 

Thank you for the constructive criticism Mal. I really do appreciate it. 

 

-LazyNinjas

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

Hello lazyninjas,

I was just wondering when another chapter might pop up?  It's a very interesting story and I was wondering what will be happening next. :D:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.