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wickedeve

A Real Pain in the Ass

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A Real Pain in the Ass

Discuss here! :P

lisbetadair wrote: I'm not entirely familiar with the fandom here, but seeing as you promoted it, I thought I would read it. I'm not going to commented on the dynamics of the pairing, or references to the fandom, because that's beyong my understanding.

Concentrating on purely the scene itself, I would maybe spend a little more time in establishing it. I take it from the dialogue, that corporal punishment is not a normal part of this relationship, and the concept seems quite alien to Goten. I think some dialogue establishing why Goten has and should submit to Vatenga would be of benefit. If his grades are bad enough to get him expelled, he might accept punishment from Vatenga in order to keep his place there and agree to work harder as a result. At the moment, I can't convince myself that there's reason for him not to just run away from Vatenga.

With regard to the strapping he receives, I think Goten's position is actually a little awkward. Most people can't, even when young, actually stretch to reach their ankles. I would have him bending over something. Even despite this, his genetalia is entirely exposed. You've commented that he's embaressed, but I would spend a little more time on the fear and humiliation of him exposing himself and submitted to Vatenga. Also, think about how pain is actually felt. We have two types of pain conducting nerves: fast and slow. If you stub your toe, you feel immediate pain which is sharp and then a duller but stronger pain a second or so later. If you want to cause someone pain in the way that Vatenga is doing to Goten, think about how you would exploit this.

Finally, I would keep this scence from a single point of view, because otherwise it gets confusing. I would stick either with Vantega or Goten but not to move between the two.

First let me thank you for reading my fiction, and taking the time to write a review.

I really appreciate it :P

I agree with you that the switching of POV was a little confusing in some places. After reading (and re-reading) i thought the end really fell apart, and since you left your review I have edited those parts to be more specific as to who's POV you are reading from, however I do want to make clear that I intended for the story itself to be told from a third person perspective.

As far as the relationship of this couple, it is a somewhat taboo pairing, and having a knowledge of the fandom is really crucial in order to understand many of the references in the fiction. This is also a spin-off from an earlier fic I wrote called Steam Bath, which was inspired by fanart from an artist on Tumblr, this fic also references many of the "Bad Goten" themes that artist depicts, which is where the need for corporal punishment (especially by Vegeta) comes from.

I have to respectfully disagree with the confusion of Gotens position in this fiction. I alluded to the fact that Goten would be bent at the waist, two separate times in the fic. Once when Vegeta gave the order, and again when Goten actually did bend over.

Thank you again for reviewing, it helped a lot :P

also: lol@Vatenga

Edited by wickedeve

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also: lol@Vatenga

Yeah. DERP!

I have to respectfully disagree with the confusion of Gotens position in this fiction. I alluded to the fact that Goten would be bent at the waist, two separate times in the fic. Once when Vegeta gave the order, and again when Goten actually did bend over.

I wasn't confused about the position, just that unless you're really flexible, it's not comfortable: you can feel the stretch through the back of your legs when you try to touch your toes. Unless by not knowing the fandom, I haven't understood that he's naturally flexible. In which case, that's my ignorance and can duly be ignored. I think that's why a lot of corporal punishment based porn tends to have the actors leaning over things, because they can maintain a comfortable position over many takes. Sure, it has advantages over the fact that it's difficult to clench your buttocks when your hips are at full flexion, and well observed that the force of any strike in that position is likely to knock him somewhat. It's a personal choice I guess. You might really like that position, and it's your story.

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The characters in this fandom are martial artists, and are amazingly flexible. They also posses super-human strength, as they are aliens. That's why Goten was able to maintain the position. Vegeta happens to be one of the strongest beings in the universe, that's why Goten was extremely reluctant to flee and/or fight Vegeta, and instead chose to submit to him.

As for the scene itself, I never actually worked out the mechanics of getting spanked bent over. I've seen pictures of others in that position, so I assumed it was a basic spank position. now i have to do spank research

:P

Edited by wickedeve

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