modeac

BITCHED! (Naruto/AU!Hinata fic), Review and Discussion Thread

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I have decided I'd create this thread to share thoughts and ideas about the story (Link below) and maybe bounce ideas off people.

http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600105332

On the topic of trolling; I have no problem with 'constructive criticism' that means give a reason why you don't like something. If someone just says that something sucks I'll ignore it/delete it/report it.

An example of constructive criticism is; imagine you ask someone what they thought of Mass Effect 3, they say it's good except for the ending which is crap- that's meaningless. ME3 having a lousy ending has become a cultural meme at this point and saying the ending is crap tells you nothing about the gameplay, the characters, the story or the plot. Why do you hate the ending? Is it because the synthetics vs organics spiel comes completely out of left field and was already invalidated in ME2? Is it because Shepard is just standing there listening to the Starkid babble on without even attempting a counterstatement? Is it the fact that the ending (and ME3 in general actually) makes most of the choices you've made in the trilogy completely worthless?

It's not difficult to come up with a reason for why you hate something if you actually try. If you say something I do is shit without giving a reason i'll assume you're not trying, just trolling/flaming.

I am interested in feedback though and I even seriously consider suggestions that are good.

Example; in the next chapter would everyone prefer that Menma fight Pain with an original fighting style, one based off his parents (both would take more time to come up with) or a modification of the Masked Beasts he uses in canon? The idea I'm going for with this is for Menma to become 'The hero of Konoha' in Naruto's place and take the canon universe seriously AU.

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Guest Alexander

Honestly can't believe this doesn't have more posts. Well, I guess I'll post for everyone else.

For Menma, I'd like to see a modification of the masked beasts he uses. I liked them, and didn't like how little screen time they got. I'd also like to see what you could do with them in your own style of creativity.

So, Menma fights pain in the next chapter. Nice. What goes on with Naruto and Hinata? You said that Hinata goes right back to bitching Naruto, so what can we expect from that? Different position? More violence? Toys?

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Thanks for the post!

For a long time I’ve been split on whether to do Menma fighting with a style based on his parents or a version of the masked beasts- you’ve helped me decide on the beasts;

What I’ve been thinking of for a while is that Kushina’s chain binding technique was Ying/Yang- something created by imagination and made animate by physical energy- my first idea was that by merging this with the basics of the shadow clone jutsu, Menma can create animate beings that manifest like clones but have unique powers and don’t dispel when struck (at the cost of requiring massive amounts of chakra).

I’ve further added to this by stating that Uzushiogakure, the village the Uzumaki came from, received assistance from Konoha when it was attacked in the ‘AU’, when in the ‘Prime Dimension’ it was left to die. While the village still fell, more people made it out alive as well as many fuuinjutsu weapons that made the Uzumaki so feared, including devices that when empowered by massive chakra can manifest the users will and imagination.

Menma uses these weapons due to an incident when he was very young when he badly wounded a fellow academy student who made a comment about Hinata- he spent some time paralysed by guilt, unable to fight anyone and still goes to almost any length to avoid physical confrontation of any kind despite being vastly stronger than canon Naruto at this point.

As for the Hinata/Naruto dynamic AU!Hinata has a traumatic past (an mirror universe version of the Uchiha massacre) and has the twisted idea that only people who totally submit and welcome her abuse actually care about her. Naruto is just as bad as he will accept this (a normal person wouldn’t) as he doesn’t know what love is.

As for specific content there’s definitely going to be more pegging, extremely violent training both sexually and combat oriented and humiliation including a lot of verbal stuff like Hinata doling out instructions to Naruto and he has to obey them (like Hinata showing Naruto various sex toys like clamps and ordering him to put them on himself while she watches).

I don’t like repeating myself with stories so this one will likely be based on humiliation and warped psychology rather than ‘breaking boundaries’ like in Rego Corruptus.

I keep reminding myself that the Narutoverse’s rather twisted idea of love is for people to ignore a person’s many faults and wrongdoings and obsess over an often distorted or completely false premise (canon Naruto thinking a few months as team mates with Sasuke trumps his years as an accomplice of traitor Orochimaru, his further betrayal of joining Akatsuki, the completely random terrorist actions at the Gokage summit and trying to murder him multiple times and Sakura and Kakashi- simply because he could in the latter cases). There’s not really any limit to how far Naruto can go to please Hinata in that regard.

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Guest Alexander

I like the history you're putting behind the AU. Watching Menma take Naruto's place should be interesting, especially with his more docile attitude.

And of course, really looking forward to Hinata bitching Naruto further, and Naruto eventually submitting to his new role. Hope he never gets used to it, though (lol) can't wait for more!

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Finally updated Bitched, apologies for the ridiculous delays between updating!

Answers to questions that the newest chapter brought up;

1/ The combat library; the clones in the library were given stabilization seals by Hinata; a failed attempt by another ninja to make clones take more than one hit, they do however work to protect them from dispelling if their creator takes a hit- so the clones are still functioning when Naruto blacks out and didn’t pop during any of the rough stuff in the sex scenes. They will run out of chakra (Naruto gave them a limited supply) and then dispel transferring all their information to Naruto in his dreams which will the enter his conscious mind when he wakes up.

I was vague on what information the clones picked up deliberately- it can be anything from elemental ninjutsu to kinjutsu.  

While I hated the shadow clone time chamber gimmick in canon, I really wanted a way to make Naruto much stronger, quickly. If anyone thinks this is a handwave… then they’re right.

2/ Naruto getting beat up; there is a general belief among Naruto fans that Naruto left the academy with little training or skill- some say this was because he didn’t pay attention and goofed off, others say he was sabotaged, I’m going with a bit of both. Add this to the fact that Kakashi never did his job and Jiraiya obsessed with trying to get Naruto to weaponise the Kyuubi causing Naruto came back from the timeskip with nothing except basic improvement- he’s chunin level in my opinion until the Senjutsu powerup. Conversely Chisha (and Menma) have been trained from birth by their parents. So the question is not ‘how did Naruto get beat by a girl’ but ‘why should you believe that Naruto’s (at most) 3 years of half assed training by people who weren’t doing their jobs right trumps Chisha’s 8 years of training from two very dedicated and very skilled ninja’? 

3/ Hinata being crazy; one of the reasons this story took so long is that I originally wanted it to go back and forth between Naruto in reality 2 being disgraced and debased to Menma in reality 1 becoming ‘greatest hero ever’ by defeating Pain and doing many things Naruto couldn’t and doing a contrast between the two. I abandoned that idea and split the chapter into two with much of Menma’s parts being done already- amongst the things is that he will talk to reality 1 Hinata and tell her why AU!Hinata is the way she is. 

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Guest Mac

Liking the story so far, but I was wondering if there was more to this forum than simple discussion. Can people also make suggestions here? Or at the very least request a specific scenario in which Yandere Hinata bitches Naruto?

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Guest Mike

Hey!
Great to see the update, I thought you had abandoned this. I’ve been following your piece for a bit now.
Interesting to be getting some background on the characters and whats going on between both worlds a bit.

Though I do wonder as you get more into why other world Hinata is so demented, I wonder if there’s going to be a breaking point. 
Either because she does something so debasing that it really hurts Naruto or that if he’s gonna find out that she really doesn’t trust him or possibly love him like he thinks she does.(his fucked of view  of love making this worse)

From the flashback story she does seem to in some way or form love him or need him. Just seems to need to reach a point where she does care for him more than a great dildo/beating pole(no pun intended)
I really do wonder how regular Hinata will feel when finding out whats been happening to him…..that could go a lot of ways….

Other than that, I really like how you handle the kinks and other sexual stuff. My only complaint would be you should try to get more in detail what he’s feeling during it. You have a lot of reactions to whats happening to him but very little on the actual feel/torture he goes through.  Let us know the horrible pain and pleasure, the aftershocks, the post physical stuff, everything he is dealing with in the situation.  This is a sure fire way to up the ante on the sex and not only make us feel more involved but will make it way hotter. 

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Guest Mac

It's great to see you updating the story again, and I see you encouraging people to come comment on the story here on this discussion thread, but I don't ever see you replying to the comments left here. It's no big deal, I'm not gonna get upset about it, but that might be a reason why people don't comment on here, a lot. Me, I'd love to discuss the story more, maybe request a specific scene between Yandere Hinata-chan and Naruto.

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As this fanfiction has gone on and become more complicated (convoluted), I would like readers opinions on what they would like to see next;

(a) More Yandere!Hinata and Naruto

(b) Menma and CanonHinata

(c) Minato and Kushina (considered that Kushina is the breadwinner and Minato’s a housewife)

(d) Elder Toad Sage or other being dreaming the future and seeing possible future of Naruto and YandereHinata’s kids (not Boruto and Himewari- I find them boring and uninspiring).

(e) Other characters. 

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Guest Guest Sandz

in regards to modeac’s post=

(a) I love your take on yandere!hinata and any story with a male getting dommed is hot to me!

(b) I don’t really know who your menma character is really, and I think canonhinata is quite dull.

(c)I find minato boring, maybe you can give him some character being kushina’s  bitch.

(d) I find the kids from boruto lame too- what was your thoughts on Naruto and hinata’s oc children?

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  1. Thanks!
  2. Menma can be called mostly Naruto personality swapped with canon Hinata, between a near-psychotic Hinata terrorizing him, no reason to act out like canon Naruto did as Menma has a family, higher levels of education and enough skill to not need the Kyuubi as a self-destructive crutch he is a very different person than his Reality 1 counterpart.
  3. I find canon Minato boring too; he seems to be a cipher- whatever the plot in that chapter of the manga needs, then he was for that chapter; they need a mysterious shadowy figure, feared by his enemies and spoken of by Konoha only distantly by titles like Yondaime and Fourth Hokage? Then he was. They need someone who was a genius, popular, charismatic, known and loved by everyone? Then he was. They need a down to earth human character who in many ways was identical to Naruto? Then he was. They needed someone who was an idiot who jabbered incessantly and forgot he had sage mode for a dozen chapters (and when Madara/Obito attacked the village)? Then he was.  
  4. My idea for Naruto and AUHinata was for them to have two daughters; Himeko and Honoka,

Himeko; the elder daughter who looks very similar to Hinata except for stripes across her cheeks

(after an accident with her Byakugan while young) sees her parents engaged in freakish acts with Naruto groveling before Hinata, Himeko takes this as men are inferior and grows up engaging in similar extreme sadistic BDSM activities with a variety of men. She has a very close relationship with her mother but is on bad terms with her father.

Honoka; the younger sister who resembles Naruto, has a similar experience but instead becomes enthralled with the concept of submission, and is the sub of a S/M relationship she has with the son of a cast member. She has a very good relationship with her father, slightly less so with her mother.

I’m not bringing in Boruto and Himawari; the Boruto series had a chance to do something new with the franchise perhaps by moving away from the over the top Shonen-plot elements (ala dragonball) and return to the more grounded elements that the series did in the beginning (Zabuza was a far more intimidating opponent than Kaguya despite the ridiculous power gap due to Zabuza inhabiting a world where death actually was final and actions had irreparable consequences- something the later Naruto series and the Boruto series in general lacked).

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Guest Guest Alexander

And the story goes on! Great to see, I had been worried that it was no more.

 

As for what I would personally like to see from the story, it is definitely more Yandere!Hinata bitching Naru-chan. There are just so many options, and various different ways for Hinata to take Naruto. Bitching him while he's fucking one of her shadow clones, piledriving him once again, pinning him against a wall, forcing him to ride her strapon, maybe even going as far to spitroast or even DP Naruto with a shadow clone.

 

Personally, I want to see more cock abuse from Hina-chan. I loved the way she held Naruto's cock in a death grip in the first chapter, and would like to see more of that. Maybe with her crushing it in an iron grip, followed by wringing it in her hands, and throwing in a little indian sunburn for good measure, all while pounding away at him.

 

Speaking of, I would like to see a chapter where Hinata goes all out on Naruto. And I mean all out-- I'm talking she's red in the face, her teeth are clenched and bared, her eyes are clenched shut, sweat's pouring down her body, and she's throwing her full weight, speed, and power into every thrust she's got.

 

That's just me, anyway. Yandere!Hina-chan and Naruto are definitely the bread of the story, imo.

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Done part of a draft for the next chapter of Bitched!;

In Reality 2 AU!Tsunade tells AU!Hinata about the guests from the other dimension. Reality 1 Sakura told her Naruto was last seen with her. She tells the Hokage they are just training and sparring.

Hinata’s reaction is wide-eyed Byakugan active horror. Tsunade leaves her knowing how volatile she is. Hinata goes back in to her house to confront Naruto/Menma.

I am uncertain as to whether I should

(a) have Naruto admit he’s not her Menma, but say he loves her anyway (in his malformed way he does).

(b) have Hinata delude herself thinking that Naruto is Menma as only her Menma would allow her to do various unspeakable things to him to prove his love to her.

Either way the early, rough sex scene that follows either scenario involves Hinata throwing Naruto to the floor and ass smothering him (giving him ample opportunity to escape despite nearly asphyxiating him).

After she realises he won’t try to escape she yanks down his pants and grabs his dick squeezing, yanking and twisting it risking serious injury- still no escape attempt.

She later shoves one hand under his backside and sticks her thumb up his ass (still face sitting/smothering him), with a Water Style hand sign atop his belly, the thumb up his ass erupts in water and gives a dangerously overpowered enema shunting water right up into his intestines, threatening to tear organs within while she is still ass-suffocating him.

Probably going to put even more depraved acts in the upcoming chapter, but I am unable to currently decide which of option (a) or (b) to go with; they both have pros and cons, both have unique options to open up, some second opinions might be useful on this.

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Guest Alexander

I'd vote for option A, personally, if only because from whay I've read from the story so far, I don't quite buy Naturo willing to admit that he loves crazy Hinata-chan, yet. Maybe give that a bit more time, that's my opinion.

 

Loving Sakura the Pink Viper, though. An unexpected and very delightful twist. What are the future plans for her? Will the story feature her consistent bitching of Shizune? Or will she broaden her horizons a bit? Personally, I'm hoping the she has another go at Shizune without the genjutsu, and maybe stuffs her full of some more billiards-- testing how many can fit inside Shizune.

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Been a significant gap since I posted on this forum… 

Received some… mixed reviews on recent chapter of Bitched!, with Naruto being tortured in Tsukuyomi-esque world. Pms comment on preference for more of the femdom style from earlier in the story.

As I dislike repeating story scenarios and prefer doing and trying new ideas I intend to continue the torture angle in Bitched for the time being but have been thinking about doing a separate, new fic with a NaruHina femdom theme;

Bullet points are;

·         Au after kyuubi attack, far more destructive- inspired by the terrifyingly talented Logical Premise’s The Consequences of Unyielding Will’ on Fan Fiction dot Net (you really need to read his excellent stories if you haven’t already).

·         Hyuga clan amongst many shinobi clans depopulated (spin on Clan Restoration Act) clan head wants to find outside suitor for Hinata to raise clan numbers.

·         Encounters Naruto, figures out he’s Yondaime’s son.

·         Adopts him into Hyuga branch clan as betrothed to hinata.

·         More au; different education setup for ninja, one of more relevant changes is that Hinata and Naruto have different senseis and therefore have personality shifts.

·         Thinking Naruto is assertive-submissive in this while Hinata is domineering and intense but not crazy, also both characters have a different skill set than canon.

 I’m interested in feedback on this and am open to suggestions on fighting styles, scenarios, etc.

Stay safe!

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Guest Kurama

Do you have an idea when the next chapter will be done? and for the tourte could you add more facesitting/smothering or maybe ass worship for example he has to do this for the pain to stop then he does it but it doesn't because she lied something like that 

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Thank you for your interest in my story!

I do not have a solid idea on when the next chapter of Bitched will be done as I have many ideas for other stories I am working on including a separate Naru/Hina femdom fic.

Your suggestions are interesting, I hadn’t considered ass worship or power games- just straight-forward torture. This has given a few ideas I might put in this or another story, so thank you. 

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Guest Kurama

I will be very interested in ready your other story as well and you could also include humiliation and  like feet worship also what happen to tayuya I rember her watching hinata fuck naruto with her clone and I thought you would include her dominating naruto as well solo or with hinata and I personally think anko would be a good addition because on a lot of stories she is described as sadistic and cruel

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