The Curi Guide To Responsible Authorship

[curi]

We all know that our beloved AFF is host to an ugly amount of, erm, less-than-quality fic. Here are a few tips on making sure that what you've written isn't adding to the rubbish. (There are a lot of references to the Harry Potter and Firefly fandoms. Hopefully readers less familiar with those areas won't be too confused by their presence.)

The Curi Guide To Responsible Authorship,

or Good!Fic, Bad!Fic, Smut!Fic, Crack!Fic

The Conscientious Author Shall:

1. Suppress the urge to place the Author's notes in the text. If the Author absolutely must justify Harry's sexual relationships with Dobby and Winky to the audience, notes are acceptable before or after the story text.*

2. Never hold updates hostage to reviews. Authors who need validation should adopt puppies, kittens or ferrets. Or rats. Voldemort had a rat-man. And a snake-soul. Even Dark Lords need validation.**

3. Ensure correct word choice whenever possible. "Conspicuous" and "inconspicuous" are antonyms, not synonyms. "Definitely" and "defiantly" are adverbs and share both prefix and suffix, but not meaning. "Congenial" and "congenital" rarely belong in the same thought, let alone the same sentence. Homonyms are very rarely synonyms, and as such should be approached with caution and respect.***

4. Utilize spell-check without expecting it to fix each of the Author's mistakes. Proper names, especially in fandom, are rarely part of spell-check's repertoire; the same goes for foreign words. It is wise to double-check spell-check's changes so that "Hermione" doesn't become "Hormone." On the other hand, Shepherd Book is a fucking Shepherd. Like Jesus. From The Holy Bible.**** Not a Sheperd, Shepard, Sheppard, or, you know, Shepurd. Additionally, savvy Authors know that Lucius looks luscious, but refrain from addressing him as such, given that Lucius' distant cousin, Luscious Malfoy, was disinherited for his fascination with Muggle queendom.*****

5. Never attempt to excuse the Author's own laziness. The Author will not draw attention to the Author's failure to research or invent a proper locking charm—or ignorance of the Pinyin for a given Mandarin phrase (nor instruct the reader to imagine that the phrase which appears in English has been presented in Mandarin). To do so reveals to the audience the Author's lack of commitment to follow through.******

6. Never write, "Sorry for mistakes, English isn't my first language," as to do so holds the Author's work up to inspection by everyone for whom English is a first (or second or otherwise intimately familiar) language. The audience will immediately note the comma splice, and every time a character's dialogue is awkward the readers will think, "Well, here you can see that the Author doesn't know English very well." Language is a tool for communication and should not stand in the way of a good story. For this reason, when writing in a language other than the Author's own, it is best practice to have the work assessed by someone who knows the language very well, ideally a native speaker.*******

7. Remember that British English is markedly different from American English. Having a piece Brit-picked (or Ameri-picked) where appropriate is a brilliant idea. There are very few situations in which Kid Rock!Harry is appropriate. Such instances usually reference the term "crack!fic." Bonus points for Draco's performance of "Bawitdaba."

8. Abstain from requesting that reviewers correct the Author's grammar, punctuation and spelling. People who read fic are interested in the ideas and the entertainment, not extra work. Reviewers who do highlight the odd typo or comma splice are trying to be helpful, not offensive. The person who takes the time to politely point out that "vile" is not the same as "vial" and that "pubic" and "public" are generally mutually exclusive sees the potential in the piece and wants to see it presented at its best. The Author shall endeavor to understand and appreciate concrit, unless the Author has explicitly requested that reviewers not share criticisms.

9. Find and form a meaningful dialogue with the magical creature known as the Beta. The Author shall accept and utilize the special skills the Beta has been known to share in a relationship with a chosen Author.******** The Author shall determine in which areas the Author desires and requires assistance (regarding ideas, issues of canon and characterization; grammar, spelling and punctuation; or any combination of the aforementioned) and locate an appropriate partner (or partners). Even the best work can benefit from the attention of a second critical opinion—and usually has. Many Authors are good friends with their Betas. An unproductive Author/Beta relationship is best acknowledged and discontinued in favor of forging a more harmonious partnership elsewhere.

10. Present to the audience a finished piece. The Author will take steps to ensure that completed writing is presented to its best advantage and adheres to posting guidelines where applicable. The Author will post confidently rather than timidly and will never use the following phrase or any variations thereof in a summary: "This is my first fic and I think it's crap." Very few people willingly take the time to read something they have been told is poo. The Author will not beg reviewers to be kind nor warn against flames; flamers are rude people and do not merit attention.

+++

* The Author is in no way required to defend the Author's choice of ship or plot outside the confines of the story. Fiction is fictional and writing non-con and other potentially controversial content does not make the Author misogynistic, sadistic, chauvinistic, or a threat to society. Or to House-Elf Well-being.

** Curi does not endorse the use of coercion or Crucio to secure affection or reviews. It's just bad form.

*** Though JKR seems to have had trouble with this concept, an "apparition" is a ghost or other visual thingum. Has nothing to do with magical beings in transit. Promise.

**** The Holy Bible (Spirit of God, A Bunch of Drugged Israelite Prophets, Saul Called Paul, John the Revelator, et al.) is sponsored by The Gideons and can be found at a hotel or motel near you. The thoughts and opinions shared therein are those of the Authors and Scribes contracted (or possessed) by God The Father, Christ His Son, And/Or The Holy Spirit, Three In One, Three In One, and do not represent Curi, Curiosity Kitten or Curi's Livejournal. Curi does not condone attacks on any of the following: homosexuals, sexually active teens, or doctors who perform abortions. Curi reserves the right to flee citing the Bill of Rights should anyone attempt to make her pray at a public school. She did quite enough praying, voluntarily, at private Christian school.

***** Curi does not endorse Malfoy bigotry. She does endorse Malfoy bigamy, provided Severus and Hermione are present.

****** Additionally, excessive specificity can damage a story's flow. If that locking charm isn't a crucial plot point, it's enough to say that "Hermione waved her wand at the door, locking it with a charm."

******* Really. Imagine if Simon tried out his Russian phrase to stop River's crazy in The Maidenhead only to discover that he'd really said, "Please tickle my horse's balls." Mal would be dead and the message would have been lost in translation. And not in a Japanese hotel room. Plus there'd be a confused horse. Not convincing? Imagine that Neville is creating a volatile potion (far, far away from Severus) that needs a special spell. He confuses Latin conjugation with Greek sentence structure during the incantation. Result: Neville with elephant ears and the reproductive organs of a female mouse.

******** The Beta/Author relationship is unique to each agreement. While some Betas and Authors exhibit Veela-like tendencies at the thought of sharing their partners, not all relationships are monogamous.

+++

Curi On Curi

I've suffered through violations of each of the above guidelines, which are meant to be helpful, somewhat humorous, and not fascist, though I like rules, so there's that. There are exceptions to each of my ten rules, and I know that. I also know that a lot of people aren't as fond of structure as I am. That's cool. I'm aware that AFF is neither the best nor the worst archive in fandom and that bad!fic can be found anywhere. Or almost anywhere. Not only that, but these guidelines aren't Torah. They're not even as comprehensive as the Ten Commandos Commandments (without Charlton Heston, please). But for newbies and youngsters, the unspoken niceties aren't always clear. So I spoke them.

Feel free to spoke your own niceties and to pimp!cane o'Lucius de Malfoi the list if you want.

[Harley Quinn hyenaholic]

Hmmm... let me see... you need a little clarification, and I feel like agreeing with you.

1: Ugh, Authors Notes! Now okay, sometimes you may have something to say to your readers. But if you do, please say it before the fanfic starts. Or after the fanfic. Nobody wants to be interrupted mid-sex-scene with a comment on how much you LOVE studding Shadow's ears. If you must say it right there, if you're THAT CRAP at keeping your damn mouth shut, at least put in an asterix (*) and let the writer CHOOSE whether they give a damn.

2: "I want 10 reviews before I put up a new chapter." You manipulative, childish, stupid BITCH! You might get 200 hits but you'll be lucky if you get 2 reviews out of that. In fact, it's usually a good idea to assume that every person who reads your fic may well access it 20 times or more. And they aren't all registered, so unless you have anonymous reviews enabled, they can't all review anyway. And of course, some people are just lazy. And some of those hits are from you. Divide Hits by 20, and that's a better interpretation of how many people are really visiting.

3: For this, I use online thesauruses. There are also online rhyming dictionaries and online spelling dictionaries. Word for Windows spellcheck works well enough most of the time, but their grammar check is appalling. Especially if you want to write descriptively.

4: For this problem, you will require a human. Somebody with a living brain. Even a Beta won't always find every problem, for they may be Betaing for a dozen people as fast as they can, and the eye sees what should be there instead of what is there. It's natrual for humans. And apart from that, a Beta won't be able to improve your story. If you read your fic through yourself, you might be able to improve action and sex scenes just before they go up, spot spelling errors that a busy Beta might miss, and justgenerally improve your work.

5: What the hell do I know about HP spells? But an inability to research your own fandom is inexcusable. Especially when it's pretty fucking obvious that you have access to the internet. There are Wikis for Transformers, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Lord of the Rings. And that's just for starters - your fandom probably has an official site too if you're really stuck. There are sites for spanish and mexican insults, and sites for song lyrics. You have the INTERNET.

6: You can beg forgiveness for not speaking English all you like. I'm not gonna stop being distracted, put off, and just generally annoyed by your lack of knowledge of my language. If your first language isn't English, that's fine, but why not write in your first language and aim your fanfic at those people already? Or don't Spanish people use the internet?

7: This is generally a suggestion to make sure your Beta speaks the same form of English you do. If Americans asked me to beta for them, they'd get their fic back entirely in british English - mainly because my spellcheck default is UK. They probably wouldn't be happy about that.

8: Why should reviewers correct your mistakes? They're here to complain about them, not correct them.

9: Your Beta is trying to HELP you. Usually because you asked them to. Turn down their opinions and advice, and you could easily lose yourself a friend. Even if they just say "I don't like this kind of plot" they're trying to be helpful. Trying to point out that they're not the best person to ask for an opinion on it.

10: You ask for no flames. Baby, two things. First of all, nobody likes flames. Second of all, real flamers aren't gonna pay any attention to you asking them not to do what they do best - copy and paste a thousand SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!s into a review. Don't give them the dignity of replying. Just report them, and delete their review. Third of all, not every bad review is a flame. If somebody has the decency to tell you why your fic sucks ass, sure, they may make you cry, and they may be rude, but they're not a flamer. Fourth of all, revenge reviewing is childish and pathetic. If a writer has stories of their own and you hate them for giving you a bad review, don't give them a bad review out of spite. Who knows, they might be a much better writer than you. You might be able to learn something from them. And you don't HAVE to review them anyway. Leave it all be.

[Harboe]

Snip!

Excellent guide, informative and at the same time humerous enough that you want to keep reading.

I wonder, do you have any other guides in this style?

Or have any guides of your own that you recommend?

[animefreakandgeek]

I would agree with these for the most part- thanks for posting this. I hope it helps some people!

[The Pairing Guy]

Indeed, an excellent guide, and I like Harley Quinn's additions, too.

My only disagreement is about the Beta. Some people need them, some people don't. I have a friend who has never used a Beta reader, and in all of his published fics I've seen not even one misspelling, grammar error, or poor phrasing. Not even one. If he had ever used a Beta reader, he would have just been wasting that person's valuable time.

[WarlordEnfilade]

Put it this way...if you try several different Betas and they keep sending your story back saying "I can't think of anything that needs fixing," then you probably can post a decent fic without a Beta, as long as you proofread it yourself.