To Cheat Or Not To Cheat

[Becca Star]

I'm talking about in relationships here...

I've had many conversations with my baby about what is and is not cheating...

He feels that if you are lusting after someone in your mind or mind and heart you are cheating. I tend to agree...

But there is so much grey area too when it comes to the topic...

Flirting for instance... Harmless fun or is it the ultimate crime in a relationship?

I want to know everyone's opinions about cheating and what they consider is cheating. There's no other way to figure it out without making it into a major topic to be openly discussed...

So tell me... What is considered cheating and Why or Why not?

[DarkInuLord]

To me, here's what I think is cheating.

Flashing people, they might just think it's all fun, but it's one thing I consider cheating. (Flashing penises? Do guys actually do that?)

Kissing other people, sure, some girls play those sleepover games still, and kissing another girl IS just as bad as kissing another guy. (Same with guys on guys.)

ANY type of sexual touching, dirty dancing and grinding is dangerously close to 'cheating', I consider it as such.

This is one some might not agree with me on, but it's something I just can't deal with.

Thinking about another guy/girl when you're with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Especially during sex, if you're thinking about someone else, and lusting over them, that's cheating, I don't care if you're doing anything with them or not.

I have a few more, but I can't think of them right now. xD

[Guest Zyx]

Everything goes, as long as you don't abandon your love.

So you can fuck a shitload of sluts as long as you kiss your girlfriend/boyfriend goodnight.

You can be truly intimate with someone else as long as you come back to your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Many will disagree but it makes a LOT of sense to me.

[Becca Star]

I agree about the sexual contact thing and the whole thing about having another person on your mind. That to me is cheating. The seeds of temptation start in the mind, grow to the heart, and flourish in reality.

But I also agree about the whole doing things with other people with no emotions attacked and coming back to your real love. This is something that my baby and I have been talking about for a while and it really all depends on the couple and how they feel about the relationship.

I mean look at all the swingers out there that are happily married and very much in love with each other but still mess around with other people. It really is a matter of what the two partners in the relationship determine to be right and wrong.

On a more personal level though I am still not there with my baby and don’t really see how him sleeping with another girl than coming home to me is NOT cheating… I understand his point about not loving another, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

You know?

[DarkInuLord]

I could never do anything nearly sexual without strong feelings for a person (Minus getting raped. >.>). So that's sorta attached to it, for me. =/ That and I'm slightly possessive.... Okay, more than slightly.

[Becca Star]

I could never do anything nearly sexual without strong feelings for a person (Minus getting raped. >.>). So that's sorta attached to it, for me. =/ That and I'm slightly possessive.... Okay, more than slightly.

Lol... I'm the same way... I really can't see myself being romantically involved with anyone unless my heart is in the mix... And I too am possessive... I really don't like to share... at least when it comes to people... MINE! lol

[DarkInuLord]

Well the thing is, I'm possessive to the point where I'm not sure if it's TOO much... I mean, I practically glare daggers at other men when my girlfriend wears a skirt, even if they're just glancing at her. I'm sure if it was physically possible, I'd be growling out loud and bearing my fangs. >_>

[Becca Star]

OOOOOO! Now THAT'S hot... My baby actaully can growl... hehehe.. gets me going everytime... though sometimes I yel at him to quit bitching... lol...

THe thing is when it comes to you being possessive do you yell at her for wearing the skirt? Because that's when it gets crazy...

When you are yelling at her for just hanging out with her friends and for talking to a guy friends that's when you're taking it too far...

Other than that... I think it's kidna cute...

I think of my favorite doggie boy from InuYasha when guys get all "I'll kill you for those thoughts!" hehehe...

[CGSMWriter]

So tell me... What is considered cheating and Why or Why not?

Any physical contact that's...well...I don't know how to explain it properly. LOL

To me, dancing is just that. I've been dancing since I was 6 mos. old (well, if you count my mom putting headphones on me and me swaying to the music as "dancing")...LOL To me, even if there is contact, dancing is just that...dancing. In dance classes, you're sometimes paired with a member of the opposite gender, and in most of those cases, there is contact. A male lifting a female in ballet...how CAN that be cheating?? LOL

But generally, grabbing any part of the body, kissing, etc.

I'm a HUGE flirt, and so is my husband, but I don't look at that as cheating. We're both products of divorce and we also both know that cheating would mean automatic divorce. It's one thing to wink at someone or make comments or whatever...it's the actual acting on it that's wrong.

Thinking of someone else while with your partner isn't cheating either...I mean, if you don't say anything, how would they even know you're doing it? Fantazing about someone else while you're intimate with your lover is actually natural and perfectly normal. Just because you think of someone else doesn't mean you don't love your SO or that you'd act on it (if it's even someone you know...mostly that happens with women thinking about male celebs, but it goes the opposite way, too).

[DarkInuLord]

Lusting after another person is more a form of cheating that only you would know about.

I don't think there's anything natural about being with one person, yet wishing that you were with another. (Fantasizing about them.) Sure, celebrities, wooo, big deal... If I found out a girl was picturing me as a celebrity in her head, while we did things, I'd give her the boot and tell her to get implants, so she'll be almost as fake as the guy she's lusting after. >>

:: Hates all celebrities ::

The thing is when it comes to you being possessive do you yell at her for wearing the skirt? Because that's when it gets crazy...

Naw, I don't yell. I just pout and cross my arms. Sorta do that. "D: Uh!" grunt thing, in displeasure. xD

[Becca Star]

Awww!! Just like InuYasha! lol...

When it comes to fantasying about a celeb or anyone else it's a bit of a touchy subject for me... I dated a guy that whenever Shikira(?) came on the radio or whatever he'd grab me and start groping me and such thinking it was her... Pissed me off beyond belief and made me feel like shit and unattractive...

But I understand how it can be natural... It's our instincts to want to reproduce with various people to help the blood lines run strong... But on an emotional level I just don't know...

[DarkInuLord]

When it comes to fantasying about a celeb or anyone else it's a bit of a touchy subject for me... I dated a guy that whenever Shikira(?) came on the radio or whatever he'd grab me and start groping me and such thinking it was her... Pissed me off beyond belief and made me feel like shit and unattractive...

That's retarded.... I mean, I can understand if say... A porn or something (Whatever floats your boat) was playing, and he got turned on, then dragged you into the bedroom to take care of it... But if he's picturing you as someone else the entire time, that's fucking dumb.

[Becca Star]

Yeah and he tried to convince me he wasn't doing what he was doing...

I paid attention to when other singers and celebs or whatever came on that he had a thing for and when she came on... There WAS a difference... So that's why I'm not all that thrilled about it...

I'm still not sure if it can fully be thought of as cheating, but it is rude and disrespectful... Especially the way he did it... ~sighs~ Reasons why I'm NOT with him any more...

[greenwizard]

I'm thinking about it, and it's hard to define what I would consider cheating. I mean if my boyfriend were to go out and have sex with someone that would DEFINITELY be cheating. Things like going on a date with someone is cheating, as well as kissing someone else in a romantic way. I mean if I go out to lunch with a female friend I might give her a little hello peck.

I don't think flirting is cheating unless you want it to go somewhere. If you're just being friendly than it's harmless.

[Tricia1224]

I think of it this way: If you are in a committed relationship, there should be no dating, kissing, or sleeping with anyone other than the person you are in a relationship with. If you want to be in a committed relationship, then all others are out. Best friends are a different story. My best friend, for several years, was a man. We would do everything together. He moved away and I moved away and we lost contact with each other. The few boyfriends I had during that time understood that, and never had a problem with the relationship we had.

[Lost_Soul]

To me, here's what I think is cheating.

Flashing people, they might just think it's all fun, but it's one thing I consider cheating. (Flashing penises? Do guys actually do that?)

Kissing other people, sure, some girls play those sleepover games still, and kissing another girl IS just as bad as kissing another guy. (Same with guys on guys.)

ANY type of sexual touching, dirty dancing and grinding is dangerously close to 'cheating', I consider it as such.

This is one some might not agree with me on, but it's something I just can't deal with.

Thinking about another guy/girl when you're with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Especially during sex, if you're thinking about someone else, and lusting over them, that's cheating, I don't care if you're doing anything with them or not.

I have a few more, but I can't think of them right now. xD

I agree with you on that.

But I don't see harmless flirting cheating, as long as you don't go deep into it and end up being with the other person in a sexual manner that you are flirting with. Also, if you and your lover is fine seeing other people, how is that cheating? If you and your lover end up having sexual relations with another person(s) and are both fine with it, then what could be wrong. Though, I would like to be involved with another person and my lover is right there with me sharing the love, I'm ok with it. But if my lover is not fine with it, than I won't do it, cause that is disrespectful and going out of bounds and I would be cheating then if I refused my lovers wishes and did it anyways behind their back. I don't know, I know that I don't cheat and that I have NEVER had sex with another person sense the day I have been with my lover and is now married to. We are truthful about our feelings and we talk about our sexual needs and wants openly with eachother, which I think helps a relationship and makes it even stronger.

[Keith Inc.]

A relationship is a commitment.

There's at least two people involved.

Effectively, cheating is what THEY consider cheating. it doesn't matter if YOU think flirting is okay, and you know in your heart that you'd never do anything to hurt your significant other. If it's not okay with them, then it's cheating.

My wife lets me look at other women (even updated the address on my Playboy subscription while i was at sea), knowing in her heart that i would never touch another woman. Well, the house rule is, i can touch, but anything i touch with has to be burned off before i come home.

That's where she draws the line. Me as well.

I trust her enough, and have seen enough sitcoms in my long and happy life, that if i come home and find her naked in bed with the pool boy, i'd be willing to listen to her story (so many sitcoms would be a third as long if people would just sit down and talk.)

Of course, it had better be a FANTASTIC story...

[Blue-eyed Fox]

I'm the possessive type and I like to be owned as well although I don't mind if my beau (although I don't have one at the moment) checks out others as long as he/she knows and should know that in the end he/she should only do me.

For me, cheating is a huge NO-NO!

It hurts to be cheated and it's even worse to cheat on someone.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Blue-eyed Fox

[Kanashii]

A relationship is a commitment.

There's at least two people involved.

Effectively, cheating is what THEY consider cheating. it doesn't matter if YOU think flirting is okay, and you know in your heart that you'd never do anything to hurt your significant other. If it's not okay with them, then it's cheating.

My wife lets me look at other women (even updated the address on my Playboy subscription while i was at sea), knowing in her heart that i would never touch another woman. Well, the house rule is, i can touch, but anything i touch with has to be burned off before i come home.

That's where she draws the line. Me as well.

I trust her enough, and have seen enough sitcoms in my long and happy life, that if i come home and find her naked in bed with the pool boy, i'd be willing to listen to her story (so many sitcoms would be a third as long if people would just sit down and talk.)

I gotta agree with this 100%. "Cheating" constituted by the two partners. As an example...I have been with my partner for nearly 25 years. If he wants to go to strip clubs (with other men), look at internet porn, watch porn movies, it wouldn't bother me at all. If he went out to dinner alone with a female, that would bother me. If he went to a strip club alone, that would bother me. If he contact strange women on the internet that would probably bother me.

But at the same token he is much the same way. If I want to go to a male strip club with some girlfriends, it wouldn't both him. If I want to watch gay porn or straight porn, it wouldn't bother him. Same with writing stories here on AFF and having erotica published that anyone can read. Doesn't bother him.

As to either of us "flirting" with someone else, why would we? We love each other. No other man turns me on as much as he does. And he knows he always has my love and loyalty above anything else.

When I was younger I was more easily jealous if he went to strip clubs or watched porn movies alone. Now, I'm like "Meh, no biggie."

After 25 years if you on't TRUST your partner, then what the fuck is the point, ya know?

Now if I was a partner who say, DID mind if I went to a male strip club with other girlfriends, then I wouldn't do it. As long as he followed the same rules. None of this double standard shit...

But I also made sure to get a partner who's morals, loyalty, and soul was much along the same as me. No conflics, ya know? I had two other men propose to me and I politely turned them down because I knew it wouldn't last. That they were not partners I could grow OLD with, that they were not "Best friends".

Ya gotta be Best friends with your partner before you can be anything else. So yes, what consititues as cheating varies from couples to couples. I know some couple who don't mind swinging (screwing other partners) as long as the the person is there (like a 4 some). But would get raving jealous if their partner visited one of the other couples alone. I also know some couple where NOTHING is barred (open relationship) and some couple who say it's a sin if the other partner even TALKS to someone else. It all varies!

[CGSMWriter]

some couple who say it's a sin if the other partner even TALKS to someone else. It all varies!

That's taking it WAY too far. Men and women (or women/women...men/men - depending on the couple involved, of course) can be friends. I've known one guy like that...his girlfriend would talk to a male co-worker and he'd go off. WTF? They work together, they HAVE to talk now and then, ya know? But out of the context of work,

it's still a bit...caveman/cavewoman-ish.

I'm glad my hubby understands...my best friend is male. I've always been a tomboy (still am)...and especially love, love, LOVE baseball (hubby's more into football) so I crave my other male friends now and then. I'M the one out there teaching my kids the game, I'M the one who insists on going to a couple games a year, with family in tow...I've met guys at the games who are shocked when they hear ME explaining a particular play/rule to our kids, with hubby listening intently, too. LOL I just can't find any female "baseball buddies" around here. A couple of my female friends are also into football..but they're really "girly" and only watch because of the "hot guys in tight pants". That's not a true fan of the sport in my eyes.

Generally speaking....

All in all, I have to agree.....it comes down to what you AND your partner agree on as to what constitutes as cheating.

[cu-kid9]

I pretty much agree with most of what's been said here. I think once things get physical, then you're cheating. To say that thinking about other people, or checking out other people, is cheating takes it a little too far. If the guy I'm with looks at another girl, so be it. Hell, if she's attractive, I'm probably going to look at her too! I'm not sexually attracted to girls, but I'll bet I'd be the first person to say, "Damn, she's hot."

Now, if he thinks about her when we're being intimate...well, I don't really consider that cheating either, but I don't really want to know about it.

Sleeping in the same bed with another girl...kinda comes close to the line. For me, it would really depend on if I knew the person my SO was sharing a bed with...and the circumstances. I can't throw stones because I've shared my bed -not necessarily sexually- with plenty of people.

Flirting is just one of those things, too, that can either be harmless or serious. I mean, if you're in a relationship and you're flirting with someone to get them to go home with you, then, yeah, not so harmless. But if I was accused of cheating every time I flirted with someone, we'd have some serious issues. I have a lot of guy friends, too, and sometimes the conversations we have are flirtatious -I just don't think there's any way to get around that. But they're just friends and there's no harm meant.

I'd say that if you're lusting someone in your heart then there may be something more to it. If I'm seriously seeing someone, I don't become dead all of the sudden. I still find other guys attractive. But I don't lust after anyone else. I guess cheating really just depends on people's idea of how a relationship should work. I kinda agree with Keith Inc. -if the other person isn't okay with it, then it's pretty much cheating. The reverse is also true -if you're not okay with it, it should be taken seriously. Don't let other people tell you what is and isn't cheating.