First Times at Bayville High

[DrunkenScotsman]

Just gonna open a forum topic for the purposes of discussing the story.

[Daye]

hey DS, definitely interested in this fic but can't read it just this second. I guess this one is going to be more porn and less plot compared to Down Under?

given there's only two canon ships for Evo, Scott/Jean (urgh) and Kurt/Amanda ( too sweet to object to) how did you decide on the pairings for this?

[DrunkenScotsman]

Very carefully. There are a few pairings that are hinted at canonically (Shadowcat/Colossus, Iceman/Jubilee, good old Romy, Jamie/Rahne, and I think an argument can be made for Kurtty). I'm hewing w/ canon overall, but I promised surprises in the story summary, and that's what everyone's gonna get, whether that's an unusual pairing or a canonical one with a surprise twist.

I actually decided how everyone was getting laid - setting, scenario, reasons - before determining partners. Maybe I'm just weird like that, but it was easier to reverse-engineer the relationship particulars out of the stories I had in mind.

Edited March 9, 2012 by DrunkenScotsman

[Daye]

Hmm. I have seen Iceman/Jubilee and Jaime/Rahne used in evo fics before; well Agent G's 'Sex Ed' and slickboy's 'Playboy X' but while watching through Evo on Marvel's youtube page. I don't really see the basis for it myself. I mean there's maybe one scene where Jamie and Rahne are socialising and while jubilee does seem to hang out with iceman its always in a group of friends. You could as easily pair her up with Cannonball or Bezerker by the same reasoning.

So I've got around the reading and review now. Aside from the obvious canon/616 pairings, I was pleasantly surprised. Don't think I've seen Sam/Amara or Bobby/Danni paired up before. And although i'm not familiar with new mutants or recent x-men comics i don't think they're pairings there?

I keep wanting to write a Scott/Rogue fic myself. There's that wonderful story with them in the AU section 'A Christmas Gift' which i think is one of the best stories I've read. But alas I have too many fics on the go already in other fandoms.

Going off topic here which is your fics is pretty good and keep it up Have already completed more chapters or are we getting this as it is written?

[DrunkenScotsman]

Oh, man, I love that "Christmas Gift" story. It was masterfully executed, and I desperately wish I'd written it.

Re: Bobby/Jubes - There's one quick scene in one episode (I can't even remember which one) where he makes a mini ice ballerina for her. That's really about it, though. Maybe it was the start of something that got snuffed by her being written out of the series.

As far as I know, Sam/Amara and Bobby/Danielle don't even star in the same comic series, so they'd have had one-night-stands at best, I guess.

Re: your review - Fashion-wise, Jubilee's sleepwear, remember, was electric-blue and hot-pink. Still 80s-redux, reminiscent maybe of her 616 counterpart, but in Evo-Jubes' case here not necessarily something she's gonna wear out in public. As for your comments about the "mall is home" sounding odd... I might have been writing metaphorically, or maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see.

In general, my stories are posted as I write them, and this one's no different. To me, at least, it's helpful to let the story marinate between installments, both for my creative juices' sake, and to let as many readers as possible have a chance to read the latest chapter before I drop a new one.

[Daye]

Hey, DS, seems like the verdict of your 'fans' is 'How dare your characterisation of characters differ from my view of it in any way?!' I personally don't see how you can mischaracterise someone who was barely characterised in the cartoon itself. Like I said in my review, there's no indication that evo-Amara was even a princess, yet they don't seem to object to that in and of itself.

So anyway, i thought it was good work.

Will we get more smut next chapter or will it be along the lines of. -cliffhanger resolution-girlie talk-next girl intros their story- with the next girl story taking up the chapter after that?

[MarvelMaster616]

Hello, DrunkenScottsman. Been a fan of yours for a while now and I'm glad you started a thread on this story.

I really like the setup, having all the characters in X-men Evolution get together and reflect on sexual experiences. You write sex scenes very well compared to most writes on this site, including myself. I like how detailed you are and your overall language skills. You're also very realistic as the latest chapter showed with Amara and Sam. A condom breaking isn't something most people want to write a fic about, but it does happen. And people do freak out like Amara did. So I really applaud you for playing up that angle.

As for Amara's characterization, I agreed with AgentG on some levels. But I don't think that took away from the story as a whole. Amara was not portrayed as a princess in X-men Evolution and was mostly just a teenager. However, I think you still made it work and I look forward to seeing more.

So with this series, do you plan to use other couples? Who else do you plan on highlighting? I always had a soft spot for Scott/Jean in X-men Evolution. I thought their relationship was very nicely done in that series. I also like Kurt/Kitty. I think those two were pretty cute. And if you write those scenes as well as you've written others to date, I certainly look forward to them.

I also see we have a common friend in Daye, who has been nice enough to provide feedback on my stories as well. At the moment I'm working on a story called "Festival of X." Ironically, I think I updated it the same day you posted chapter two of this story. Have you read it yet?

Overall, keep up the great work! I look forward to whatever you have planned next.

[Guest DrunkenScotsman]

MarvelMaster: Thanks for your review, and thanks too for your clarification of it on here. I do plan to use other couples, but I won't ruin any surprises by saying which ones. I've not had a chance to read "Festival of X" yet, but I will do so sometime today. Also, I really like your profile pic there - tasteful but sexy.

Daye: Thanks for your initial review, and thanks for your defense review. You're one of the best readers I've seen, and reading well is a real skill; you've shown a knack for picking up on subtlety. Calling me a genius helps.

Both of you: I'm glad you guys appreciated what I did - the characterization choices, especially, since Evo does give so little for most of the girls.* It's very fulfilling to me as a writer to achieve the effects I was aiming for, and to have that acknowledged by readers.

* As an extreme example, here's Evo Jubilee's Marvel wiki page:http://marvel.wikia....e_(Earth-11052) . (Yes, I just used a footnote in a forum post.)

[Daye]

I also see we have a common friend in Daye, who has been nice enough to provide feedback on my stories as well. At the moment I'm working on a story called "Festival of X." Ironically, I think I updated it the same day you posted chapter two of this story. Have you read it yet?

Well, you two have the advantage of being the only regular posters on aff's x-men section that doesn't write slash.

Daye: Thanks for your initial review, and thanks for your defense review. You're one of the best readers I've seen, and reading well is a real skill; you've shown a knack for picking up on subtlety. Calling me a genius helps.

,

Aww shucks. Oddly enough I've always thought of my reviews as very critical. I'm not afraid to bitch. But then I'm apparently I'm also not averse to bitching at other reviewers for not doing it properly. lol.

[DrunkenScotsman]

You, sir, have that rare gift of knowing how to bitch in a review, by pointing out what, specifically, doesn't work for you and why (and what does). This is invaluable to other writers, and I'm not overstating things, I don't think.

MM616, lest you think I'm playing favorites, you've given me some really useful reviews too, especially on "Down Under," which we didn't see eye-to-eye on. Your criticisms really did help me see some flaws in my story, though I wasn't always able to fix or patch over them.

[MarvelMaster616]

MM616, lest you think I'm playing favorites, you've given me some really useful reviews too, especially on "Down Under," which we didn't see eye-to-eye on. Your criticisms really did help me see some flaws in my story, though I wasn't always able to fix or patch over them.

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words and I'm glad you like my pic. I try not to be too harsh with my criticisms. I try not to be too generous either. If I see a problem, I will point it out. While we didn't see eye-to-eye on "Down Under," I don't doubt your skill in writing that story. You definitely have a great style and a great feel for some of these characters. I think you have a great opportunity to do something extraordinary with this fic.

And I did get your review for Festival of X. I appreciate it and I'll try to send you a message later because I have an idea that might help with your criticism, which I think is perfectly valid. As for your story, what can we expect next? Any previews? Thanks again!

[DrunkenScotsman]

I had originally planned to just have the girls go in alphabetical order, and my story notes only had the particular stories - the bricks but not the mortar, if you will. Now that I'm writing it, though, I think I'd rather have each girl's story lead into the next, so there's some sort of logical flow to them. That also necessitates me figuring out which stories might segue into which, meaning I actually don't know who's going next at the moment. I've got it narrowed down to a few possibilities, though.

[DrunkenScotsman]

So I kinda planned originally to do the whole chapter 4 in Rahne's accent. I'm now dreading it a little, just b/c of the auto-correct on MS Word. Also, I think the readability will suffer if I do. Thoughts?

[Daye]

Yeah. I think an entire chapter in the accent would be taking it too far.

[MarvelMaster616]

Hey, I just reviewed the new chapter. I thought it was pretty good, but I agree with Daye. The accent may take it too far. I think you overdid it a bit. I get that you tried to make it sound phronetic so that it would capture her accent, but that's just too hard to read. In the comics, they do have her say things like "Aye" and "Lass," but they don't go much further than that. For the next chapter, I recommend you cut back on the accent so it's easier to read.

I also think it's good you're not laying out who tells their story after who. Take it one chapter at a time and let it happen naturally. I think that's a good way to go. I look forward to the next chapter and once again, I thank you for your support on Festival of X.

[DrunkenScotsman]

In general, when I write accents, I write them a little thicker than most of the other authors, so your points are well-taken, Daye and MM. I blame the fact that I'm something of an amateur linguist, so I'm intensely fascinated in how people speak and how their speech sounds, which bleeds over into my writing as attempts to represent those sounds in the dialogue with consistency.

Part of me is tempted to go ahead and write Ch. 4 in the accent, just for the challenge. Part of me is tempted to swing the pendulum, so to speak, and write it entirely without the accent - few people sound in their heads like they sound in real life, you see.

[Daye]

*Must Resist Urge To Argue with Agent G* It's not like he seems to pay much attention.anyway.... Nope going to do it anyway.

While I can see his point, sort of. From what little I know of 616 wolfsbane she's not an exhibitionist. isn't she catholic? Hence not really that promiscuous. Unless she's, y'know teenage and rebellious..... Or just like 90% of sane Catholics doesn't follow the churches instructions to the letter.

And even if she is out of character for 616 wolfsbane.... so what? It's a) not set in 616 and b) its fanfic you get to change things. That's what fanfic is for. Like saying Jean lived through Planet X so she can still be with Scott...

So getting back to your fic. I can see the logic behind Rahne being an exhibitionist; first its contrasts well with the sweetness of Dani's scene. 2nd; Her mutant powers revolve entire around wandering around naked. (in wolf-form)

As to the accents. I'd keep Rahne's dialogue consistent with chapter 3 but I think losing it for the narrator would be acceptable break from reality...

[DrunkenScotsman]

I looked up 616 Rahne on the Marvel wiki. She's Presbyterian, actually, an offshoot of Calvinism. At any rate, super-religious. IF one assumes Evo-Rahne is a teenage version of 616 Rahne, then the rebelliousness angle makes total sense for my story.

As does the fact that, as you said, I'm NOT WRITING 616, which AgentG just seems not to be getting. I guess maybe I shouldn't be making nods to 616 to avoid confusion?

Thanks for the input, Daye. And backup, hahahhaa.

[DrunkenScotsman]

Now that I'm thinking about the whole accent issue, I now have to ask: If I don't write the next chapter entirely in Rahne's Scots accent, should I also not write Rogue's chapter in her Southern drawl? I'd really hate to miss out on that one. How tough is it to understand Rogue?

[Daye]

Look, in the end. You don't have to answer to us. You have to answer to you. If you're totally in love with the idea of an entire chapter done in accent, go for it.

[Daye]

Hey DS. Reading chapter now. Seen AG's standard review. Made me wonder... are you actually Scottish? because that would just make that review hilarious.

[DrunkenScotsman]

You're right: it would be just fantastic, but sadly, I'm not - not for something like 8 generations or more.

I'm seriously starting to wonder why AgentG even reads my stuff at all, since it's obviously such a waste of time.

[MarvelMaster616]

Heya. Just finished reading and reviewing your latest chapter. I thought it was really good, although the accent was still a bit difficult to read and some of the slang she used was a little off. I don't remember her using that in the comics or show so I thought it was a little confusing at times. But overall, I enjoyed it. I think you did a good job of making Rahne's first time unique. Although that level of multi-orgasmic capacity is pretty extreme. I imagine her animal physiology would have a role in that. Perhaps that's something you can explore later if you want to. Either way, I'm looking forward to whoever the next focus is. You've been writing these very well for the most part and I think you can do so much with this story.

As for Agent-G, he's a close friend of mine so I'm a bit bias. Don't take it personally. He tends to be brutally honest with his assessments. I don't think he would be reading your story if he didn't find it appealing on some levels. Just keep pushing forward with your story and try to make every chapter better than the last.

Also, thanks for your support on Festival of X. You too, Daye! ;-)

[DrunkenScotsman]

Thanks for your input, Mr. MarvelMaster. I'm glad that everyone so far seems to be having less difficulty with the accent. I think I found a happy medium between readability and accurate reflection of nonstandard English speech - the chapter is more along the lines of "how Rahne sounds in her head" and therefore divorced from the physical speech apparatus (mouth, tongue, etc.) which alters vowels and consonants in various ways.

Sorry - amateur linguist at work again!

Regarding AgentG: Really? Based on his one review of Down Under (that got removed - not my doing), and all his reviews of this story so far, s/he's coming across as less "honest critic" and more "troll". That last review was seriously insulting to me, and I'll admit I was really tempted to remove it. I didn't, and I won't; I'm leaving it as a testament to the fact that I'm not petty enough to remove anyone's input that isn't the verbal equivalent of a blowjob.

I was about to type up a lengthy description of my thoughts about characterization, canon, and the nature of fanfic, but you're not AgentG and I can't ask you to be a go-between. I think I'd like it if s/he (no idea about gender) would join our discussion here or PM me, so there can be communication across what seems to be a fairly wide artistic chasm.

[Guest Agent-G]

Okay first off I don't usually mean to bea harsh but I accidentally come off it at times, sometimes I write with more of a neutral tone in my head that's the problem with no real voice to judge things by so sorry if I do get too harsh at times. Okay I think I should explain a few things and some things that have been said about me. First I'm a guy so you can use 'he' from now on for gender.

Also when I make comments on your characters seemingly out of character or about characterizations it's because it's been stated that I think about too much of say 616 characters were while this is Evo. Now I admit that's true but the reason for it is because you didn't give me much else to go on. To me writing is like drawing or painting, the writen page if like a canvase that a writer has to 'paint' on in order to tell a story. The problem with writing is that we know everything about our stories in our heads but we have to make sure the reader gets it.

I just feel that you're not putting enough to get the full picture of how you see this world you made or the characters in it. Yes some time has happened since the show and your current point but you never gave us any real information about what happened in that time. There is so much blank information that I have to draw it from somewhere and so I have nowhere else to turn to but the 616 Marvel universe. I have to fill in all the planks that seem to pop up with that, that's why I keep making comparisions.

Amara had more screen time so her character was a bit more fleshed out but Rahne I think barely even talked while she was there so I think generally people who were familiar with her character most likely filled in the gaps with 616. Now if you follow my logic you'll see that in order for the Rahne you wrote to make a bit more sense with the camera and all you could have simply used a few paragraphs here and there to help us see your interpretation of this character might have changed. You don't need a full on backstory but just give us enough so we can fill in the details ourselves. Maybe say that as she grew older she started getting a bit bolder, that her time away made her go through some tough changes etc. Little details like this would help to round out her character.

As for all the slang terms, yeah exactly. You could have simply stated that when she had returned home she had started maybe acting out in rebellion because she didn't want to leave, maybe started hanging out with a group that used a lot of slang and then it became habbit when she returned. There, simple way in just one paragraph to explain everything and helps to explain why your Rahne is different from how she was in Evo or 616 comics. That's what I feel your story is missing, little things like that, that help the readers to understand where you're coming from and what your vision of the world is.

Now as for Down Under...honestly I hated that thing so I deleted my reviews as I wanted nothing to do with it. I can udnerstand the plot of Jean dealing with her event of the Hellfire Club but when you put in a Gary Stu OC whose only role was to basically fuck her...well...that I didn't like. I can take new and different pairings, hell I've read good stories on pairings that I normally don't like or read about but where writen in such a way that made me like it. This I felt...well just seemed so very forced and very unlike her. Plus after reading the explanation for the story it now feel more like a deguised self-insert Gary Stu for a fantasy of 'fucking' Jean.

I just felt that this character was TOO perfect and honestly maybe should have been a PWP as it might have made more sense. You said you had someone for instance, if say something happened and either of you were reported dead for 6 months and suddenly came back (think what happened with Peter and MJ in Spider-Man with the plane crash if you know this plot line) and you found out that after you called her up to say that you loved her, she fucked another man and brought him home...how would you feel about that? Or ask her if this happened only you fucked some other woman and you brought her home for a visit how would she feel? That's why I felt that Jean was very unrealistic in this story and why I really didn't enjoy it. It just felt so forced that it wasn't really Jean Grey at all.

But that's just how I FELT about the story from reading it. So I really hope this Daye won't verbally attack me again for saying any of this (just seems that everythign I say pisses this person off not like I wanted to nor will I start a flame war over it, they have their opionion and if they like it, fine with me not like I'll attack or have attacked that person personally after all)

wow...that got longer than I wanted. Anyway I just wanted to clear some stuff up, if my reviews are too harsh for you okay sorry about that. Usually I only bother normally because unlike most you can write for the most part in a good way which is better than some of the crap I've seen over the years and I feel you can do better. If you really want I won't review your stuff anymore if you ask me to. All it takes is a simple "okay you can stop now" and I'll leave you alone. Unlike a real troll I'll leave if you ask me to and I'll just shrug it off and go 'okay'. With no hard feelings about it. So up to you just say the word and I won't bother you again (honestly I didn't you know you were the writer of Down Under until recently anyway so mistakes like that could happen in the future so if you ask please forgive any screw ups on my part for things like that)