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Review Replies & Discourse: "Conscience"


sordid_humors

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Greetings!

I wanted to create a quick place to reply to queries made in reviews as well as open up a general discussion of the ball of unusualness that is that piece of inane and superfluous beauty, Conscience.

Fire away.

Sapiophile, out.

sordid

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-- Firstly, to Hollibell, my AFF stalker:

Is Harry really not going to go next year?... I am soooo angsting over what is going to happen when Draco finds out Harry's not going back.... I keep hoping Harry will change his mind or Draco will decide to not go back too or something, anything so these two are not separated.

The answer to this question is yes, Harry's really not returning to Hogwarts. This is flushed out in the epic fight of Chapter 25, "Crash". There is much screaming, threats made and a slap thrown in Saint Potter's face. Chapter's posted. Enjoy.

I LOVE the fact that you counted Harry's encounter with Heather as a loss of virginity.

I've always felt there are stages of virginity: there are physical acts committed, blow jobs and intercourse among them, and then there's opening yourself up during those acts, experiencing your own vulnerability and building emotional intimacy with another person. Harry lost the first kind to Heather's charms. But it was the second he gave to Draco. I think Harry got the last niggling, grumpy vestiges of Draco's, too.

I am curious about the whole sex magic thing; if it was real or a "connection" that Harry in his naivety didn't understand.... And there seems to be something else going on. These tingles? And Draco understanding Parseltongue? Did I read that right?

You're onto something! Stay tuned. It wouldn't be noir if I gave all my secrets away....

This has got to be the most disturbing line I have ever read: "The song she played to drown out the sound of her son being tortured." And it was just so casually thought by Draco, I read right over it and went, "Wait, what?" I mean, I knew his mother was in the house when he was being tortured. That line just really drove it home for me, how truly fucked up Narcissa Malfoy truly is to be able to sit by, playing the piano while her son is going through that. What a bitch. I imagine she got hers, though. The dark lord must have taken his anger at Draco's escape out on someone.

There's more than meets the eye in this line. While we won't be getting Narcissa's side of the story any time soon, there is some touching back to this and expanding in the forthcoming war chapters "1945" and "The Laughing Heart".

I think the thing I love the most is that neither is really submissive, they are so very equal. I just love that.

And that's the big screaming point I've been flailing around with marginal success. While there is certainly a place for senpai, eromenos and other established modes of male/male love, I wanted to explore a relationship wherein both partners possess an alpha personality and are unafraid to make their steeliness known. Feminized gay male characters are great (Kurt from Glee, anyone?)--lots of people identify with them. Generally, I don't. They don't inspire anything in me; except, perhaps, a few wardrobe bunnies and

.

Conscience is something a bit more representative of the filth, violence and fetishism of male sexuality. A femmy male character simply does not fit the bill.

God forbid I get a little dark on your asses! As a crew member of the Good Ship Didactic Fiction and an avid follower of her captain, Admiral Wayne C. Booth, this steaming pile of Noir Action-Adventure Porno has a point. Somewhere. It's hidden in the sex, mostly. Like a good sadist, I stick things in unexpected places bound to surprise and delight the less-than-attentive. Yes, I am distracting you with hot boy-on-boy lovemaking, welding plot together whilst your back is turned. It's noir. What did you expect, kittens?

80 chapters? Really? O.O

Truly. Somewhere around 500,000 words when all's said and done.

There are those who would talk me into a sequel: I avoid them like the plague. I have original work, after all, along with the drinking and carrying on....

(That is a joke. I am secure in my queer hermitage.)

-- Secondly, props to my LJ stalker, adoracorazon, whose enthusiasm for Conscience knows no e-bounds:

I now have one more site to search for updates ^_^

Indeed. My self-pimp-age knows no bounds. I'm the Post-Modern-Pimp-Ho: I'm my own pimp, but I'm also my own ho. We're in a recession, y'all. Cutbacks are a bitch. Sometimes I don't even pay myself my own money.

(RuPaul fans know I'm doing the "Laquifa" sketch from Drag Race)

-- To Hales:

This story is amazing! I agree with you in that I'm surprised more people haven't reviewed more, it's so good! I love the way they interact with each other and their gradual relationship, squeee!!!!!!

How did you know the gays are fueled solely on "squeee"?! You minx, you.

I'm used to sitting in the no-reviews corner by now. It's like this on other sites, too. It's probably all the tags for later squicks, honestly.

-- And to Chelsea:

Well. I have read plenty of Drarry in my lifetime and some have been the greatest Drarry of all time - just perfect. Yours goes on that list.

Thank you--you're very kind. Obviously you haven't gotten to the porn yet....

Edited by sordid_humors
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Guest Hollibell

Yay! A whole new way of stalking, lol. I'm glad you did this. I got some answers to things I was wondering about (although,honestly, if it will be revealed, I'm content to wait and read it. Most of my questions are of the rhetorical nature, purely me speculating and unable to keep it to myself ;)). Your on LJ also? I wondered when I read that review. lol. yeah, I read the reviews. It bugs me to death that more aren't reviewing. Mostly because of the absolute crap that gets hundreds of positive reviews. Lol, the stalker comment just cracked me up. I honestly don't mean to stalk. This site doesn't have an update notification, so I check constantly because I don't want to miss updates to my favorite stories. I also have a LJ, but your probably safe from my there ;) as I am a bit if an idiot illiterate on that site. It confuses the hell out of me, lol.

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– in response to Hollibell, re: Chapters 25 & 26

I can handle dark and angst, as long as Harry and Draco survive with their relationship intact.... I don't remember there being a major character death warning, so I am assuming I'm safe?

I think you'll be okay. The line between “major” and “minor” character is blurred in Conscience. We're going to lose some of what I consider to be “major” characters, movers and shakers, folks we're attached to and perhaps have developed a kindred heart with over the course of the story. That's the nature of war.

I feel so bad for Draco. He's going to be all alone in Gryffindor. I actually have to say though that I'm kind of glad you didn't put him there so he and Harry could shag like bunnies whenever they wanted. I'm not going to say that I don't like that cliche, because I do, its just nice to see someone not using it for a change.

Harry and Draco together in the castle for their seventh year would not work for the overall plot. When you look at Conscience, that much is obvious. Then again, most of fandom involves very little in the way of sensible plot and progression.

Conscience is about Draco shifting through the grey space of the magical world, navigating his way between the Death Eaters and the Order. Good and evil become blurry. Even Gryffindor is changing, the landscape of the house canting as Draco and other influences are introduced to the mix. You have to be willing to change and adapt if you want to survive: that's what Conscience is about. Draco wouldn't be forced to change if Harry were there, backing him every step of the way. That's uninteresting, devoid of tension and lacking the fuel for upward movement. The Conscience train pretty much runs itself. Everything has been set up—the track laid, coal stacked high by the engine and passengers aboard. There's very little to do but let her roll along. I try not to get tied to the tracks.

Edited by sordid_humors
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18 DECEMBER, 2011

Conscience is currently experiencing difficulties due to disclaimer discrepancies. I am working with the mods to find a compromise between their stipulations and what my professional experience dictates is a full and legally-admissible disclaim of copyrighted material. Basically, I'm being a dick and not settling for anything less than what I would feel comfortable standing behind in a court of law--which will never ever happen because I am puny and ultimately insignificant but try and tell my over-educated ego that.

We're working on it: not sure how long it'll be. I will update to this post when new information is available.

22 DECEMBER, 2011

Apparently things are back up and running. There's a rather epic (and, from the outside, undoubtedly hilarious) chain of emails going back and forth between the myself and the mods to show for this down-time.

In the interim, I suspect everyone has migrated to either LJ or DeviantArt, where the story is already posted in its entirety.

Syntax resolved. The world goes on. Conscience is back.

Edited by sordid_humors
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  • 3 weeks later...

-- in response to Sera21:

Thought the first 'I love you' was very well placed and very Harry and so much better then what many authors do and just throw in the "I've always loved you" thing where there's porn porn porn OMG I love you * instant relationship*. Like sex= love.

I agree with you, there. Sex does not equal love, nor does good sex necessitate a loving relationship.

The progression of the boys' relationship is paced in Conscience, a point which some other fics are lacking. Especially with men, the enjoyment of sex and the emotion of love are vastly separated mental processes. I was careful to establish why Harry and Draco care for one another. There is also a great deal of respect and personal freedom within their relationship, which is very important for their long-term growth as a couple. It's one of the reasons they can stick together through the trials to come.

I've made an effort to preserve Harry's canon kindness. He's a squishy, emotional fellow--more so than Draco, who's had a childhood of isolation and mind-games to teach him emotional seclusion and that horrible stand-off-ish nature of his. It's Harry's gentle patience which wears him down in the end. It's not an easy process, nor does it happen all at once. Pacing, pacing, pacing. Along with a dash of realism.

(I realize the irony inherent in speaking of realism in a piece with dragons, flying carpets and magic wands. I own it.)

I like that you made them go see some Metal.

My Draco is a very musical person. We've already seen him play multiple genres at the Grimmauld Place piano, after all. To think that Draco would only enjoy classical wizarding music is certainly selling him short. As the story progresses, we'll see Draco interacting with many different musical styles: music is a major component of Conscience, for me. It says something about Draco's character, his feelings and moods. Music is an outlet he's developed, as he was often not allowed to express himself in any other way.

Edited by sordid_humors
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--to serpentlady, re: Chapter 24

Just for the scene in the chapter called "Ingulgence", I went out and bought a pack of Djarum Blacks. They are very interesting, but too expensive to make a big impact on my smoking preferences: $12.83 for a pack of 10! The first was smoked in your honour!

I miss them incredibly. I'm mostly a cigar smoker, but I miss cloves in the winter time, especially around Christmas, with a nice snifter of chocolate port to hand and a dash of snow falling between me and the Verrazano. Thank you for the honour in spirit.

--to Leania

Wonderfully written, can't wait for more. Intense fight scene, well thought out and done.

Thank you! These epic fight scenes slay me. I'm truly not designed for action scenes—unless the action is boys engaging in buggery, it would seem. More war violence to come, so stay tuned. Hopefully I'll continue to surprise and delight.

--and lastly to Lady Sinistra

This may very well be the single greatest piece of Harry Potter fanfiction I've ever read. Your writing is simply sublime. The characters, even the most minor of them, have a depth to them you rarely find in any work. I eagerly await the next chapter, and each one that follows.

Ever? Really? You're quire sure about that?

Sublime, even?

Well, shit. Thank you. I'll keep trying, just for that.

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--to Sera21

u know whats just as great as a buffalo? The Western lowland gorilla whose scientific name is gorilla gorilla gorilla.

I looked it up. That's fantastic. I love it when linguistic accidents and tongue twisters like those pop up in the scientific community. Call me a nerd, I guess.

I love how you wrote the battle scene by the way. I wish Rowling had written half as good. As things stand she had Harry go in throwing stupifys and leg locker jinxes at men who where shooting to kill.

That was something which bothered me about HBP—that there weren't any dead students after Death Eaters stormed the castle. As a logical person, I find that hard to swallow. Yes, it's a children's novel. But that doesn't mean children can't be intelligent, putting two and two together—hardened killers let loose in a school are very likely to kill whomever they encounter. I think, even at five years old, I could deduce as much. If Rowling wanted to write a novel for kids, she should have adjusted her plot so that the results of character's actions were also appropriate for children. Her dumbed down pseudo-realism never did much for me.

I've seen a lot of fandom writers come back at this discrepancy with incredibly powerful Harry characters. To me, that's a little unauthentic as well. I like him right in the middle—using his strengths in Defense Against The Dark Arts and his quick thinking in his favor, but still a seventeen year old kid with mistakes to be made and a lot to learn. You're not going to see an all-powerful or Dark-Side Harry with me. But you will see a young man willing to do anything. He will have to fight for his life.

--to Sarah

Besides the story itself, which is awesome in its originality, I love how many languages and accents you have in here. You must have really a gift for this. I especially love Draco's accent. This is porn, but it has so much plot in it, you should write novels. I would pay for them.

Thank you so much! As it happens, I do write novels—sans porn, that is. I worked for years as a ghost writer, so per my contracts, I can't tell you what-all I've actually written. I'm currently waiting out a non-compete clause before I can publish some original work.

In the next few years, expect at least three novels: one yet untitled, a modern romance, a Regency Era piece about gender norms called A Country Gentleman, and what I consider to be the first of my master works, Glas, a story which explores the tragedy that is the Cinderella Effect—adoptive children being at triple the risk of domestic violence and child abuse at the hands of parents and caregivers than their biological siblings. The main character of Glas is a fifteen year old Irish homosexual boy, Ashley Donovan. Of all the characters I've written, he's likely the closest yet to my heart, and the most like myself.

Stay tuned. I'll probably more info once things start moving towards publishing.

The first two chapters of Glas are available on my profile at DeviantArt.

Edited by sordid_humors
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--to Leania

I love the twists and turns you toss at the guys, keeping them on their toes but not overly so.

Thanks. I know there are a lot of writers out there who do massive cliff-hangers and over-exaggerate their plots—for reviews, I'd imagine. I'm not so much about that. It's awesome when folks leave comments with their thoughts, don't get me wrong. But I'm all about the story. I do nothing without reason.

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--to Leania re: “Beretta – Rabbit Will Run”

I'm grateful for the chapter but I wish it was a bit longer. Felt like just a teaser, you must have something up your sleeve.

Beretta chapters do have a tendency to run on the short side. It's meant as an off-shoot—not necessary to the core plot, not focused on Draco—but an addition to what already is. This selection is playing on themes long-established in Conscience which will play out closer to the end of the tale, as well as in sequels which I may or may not be conned into penning in the distant future.

Chew on that. >_<'

--to Glawrina

Um, wow. Thanks for the pleasantly detailed review!

With his inexperience (being 17 and all), Harry seems to push Draco too hard too fast to be what Harry wants in the relationship.

Harry is very demanding of Draco, yes. Mostly because, as Draco stated in “Tequila Will Be The Death of Us” and again more expressly in “Roses,” he needs clear and sometimes rigid boundaries in order to flourish. Harry is strict... but not without reason. And not without result. Theirs is a delicate situation. Harry's decisions are not always right. He can be rash and inconsiderate. He's very human in that respect. Thankfully, Draco is enough of a brat to make his displeasure known when things get ugly enough to warrant complaint.

At the end of the day, I find what Harry really wants of Draco—for the boy to be healthy, to be well-adjusted socially, to enjoy his music and sports, and to put voice to his desires—are all healthy and beneficial to Draco as a growing human being. Though Harry pushes hard, the things he asks are not unreasonable.

Draco can be a huge prat, but my sympathies are usually with him over Harry because he seems to be the one putting forth more effort. Harry only seems to realize the imbalance in hindsight.

This concept is very well represented in the tarot reading of “The Chariot.”

Draco is indeed the more emotionally in-touch partner; he has a better handle on what's going on because of his experience with relationships—whether his past relationships have been successful, of course, is neither here nor there! Harry is the Knight of Swords, charging into battles which may not be his own, doing the “right” thing but stepping on toes and hurting many people's feelings in the process. Harry is blundering, especially when it comes to the emotions of others, a place where Draco excells. Harry's been a dick to Ron and Hermione and McGonagall, not just Draco. Harry has a tendency to wear blinders when focused on Voldemort, losing sight of things which are important to him in order to pursue what he considers a mortal threat. In his journey of learning control, Harry will at times become overzealous in the application of his power.

Thankfully, Harry is the sort of man willing to learn from his massive cock ups. Eventually. There are a great many more on the way before Harry figures his shit out.

Hermione seems under the Imperious curse.

Funny you should say that. There's a character here laboring under the Imperius Curse, but it ain't Hermione.

Throughout the fic Hermione also seems demanding that Draco make an effort without ever putting forth any effort herself.

Uh... that's kind of how I've felt in every relationship I've had with a female, actually. Sorta why I call myself queer now, despite fancying the occasional person with a vagina. Women are very good at putting their hands on their hips, pinning you down with a glare and announcing, “Prove It To Me” in a distinct and womanly timbre which gives you the willies, sending your balls up to hide in that funny little pocket normally reserved for when it's fucking freezing outside. My characters are male. I suppose I have them experience the world—and experience the ire of intelligent females—much the same as I do. Apologies if I offend.

By this time I would think that she'd develop more of a relationship with Draco either for good or for ill, but it seems stagnant and ultimately uninteresting. It seemed in the beginning that she was waiting for Draco to change or show some progress toward changing, but then she immediately shut down when she discovered that he and Harry are in a relationship.... While I'd find it acceptable behavior in Ron, I find it unlikely for Hermione. I actually find it more likely that she would figure out what's going on in Draco's head before Harry would.

Hermione was the first character to independently come to the conclusion that Draco had a crush on Harry. I believe that was chapter 7, “Heart's Desire.” Her massive brain is working... but that doesn't mean she'll be right every time. Not in my realm, anyway.

I think you give Hermione too much credit! She, too, is seventeen—equally subject to the fallibility of youth and inexperience. Rowling's Hermione is rather all-knowing. My version has a tenancy to highlight some of the girl's less becoming personality traits.

Ginny is one of her closer friends. After the emotional roller-coaster of Harry and Ginny's break-up, Hermione has sided with Ginny. Gryffindors can be very loyal creatures—women even more so. This division of mutual friends' loyalties isn't uncommon after break-ups.

Hermione has always been critical of Harry when he's in high-stake situations—and nothing can be more high-stake than his current predicament, both with the Dark Lord and with his increasing imbalance of power where Draco is concerned. Hermione's judgment meter usually goes off the charts before Harry faces a major obstacle. This obstacle has just been protracted, leaving Hermione in a lingering state. She wants to come out of her funk and praise Harry for a job well-done. She just doesn't have anything to point to and claim victory.

She's also worried for Harry... and angry that he hasn't tried to make her and Ron more a part of his war effort. Fear makes people behave irrationally. Scratch that. Emotions make people behave irrationally! It's probably a good thing Harry isn't involving her or Ron until they both settle down, emotionally.

Draco has been absolutely abrasive and downright rude to Hermione at multiple points, both in the past and in this fic. He hasn't made himself easy to like, though he has shown brief flashes of improvement. At a certain level, Hermione is responding to this revolving door of insults and civility. For someone like Hermione, Draco's bombast is very hard to swallow. His jests at her expense and random rage-spitting of “mudblood” every now and again really aren't help his case.

Finally, Hermione is now officially dating Ron. So it makes sense that she might adopt a few of his attitude kinks, especially where Malfoys are concerned. Ron's spent his entire life building up a mental case against the Malfoys. That's not a behavior one can unlearn overnight. That's what Hermione hears day-in and day-out... along with people speculating about Draco's involvement with the Death Eaters, of course. When you're surrounded by distrust and malcontent, it's hard not to get sucked in after a while. All Hermione hears in her down-time is Ron and Ginny complaining about “Drarry.” That can get to a person after a while, no matter how intelligent. You'll notice her opinions improve when Harry's around to renew her sense of hope.

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--to elementalwitch

Wow. Just wow. I gotta ask- how much work do you put into writing this- the languages, the references.. wicked good. It's quite impressive.

Honestly, it's not really “hard” work. Conscience is in fact practice for an original novel I';m digging away at. I use it as a testing ground for theories about noir and pacing. It's not hard because, at the end of the day, I don't take it seriously.

As to the languages—French required making a few contacts, as I haven't spoken the language since I was a child. The Slavic languages are easier, as I speak some conversational Russian as well as having studied German in school and spent some time in Austria. I can also read and write in Latin, which helps things along.

I am a lit minor... so I get persnickety about what I read. It's hard to find stuff that doesn't make my brain melt sometimes when it comes to fanfics. This is fabulous.

MLA, here. I know what you mean. Between grammar problems, style, tense and flow, there's not a lot out there I'm comfortable sitting down for a cuppa with, either. I do beta work for a few lovely souls whose work doesn't give me the willies. No, really. There are some truly talented folks out there... you just have to dig through the muck to find them.

I recommend:

slytherincess – her newest, On License, had a beta from myself

jadCatch 22 is a fun piece of work, a little choppy plot-wise in places but some good meat on the bones. I beta'ed What It Takes, a threesome fic. We'll be co-writing a piece about bondage in the near future.

writtenmatrixPayment In Post-its is a lovely non-magic AU which I consulted on and beta'ed. WM and I are dear friends. To be frank, there are entire paragraphs of PIP (most of them in the sexual portions) penned by myself. WM and I have a very similar style, so it works.

pir8fancier – all kinds of adulty, realistic wonderfulness. Try On One's Knees

themaohour – master of Meta and all that is holy. We are good friends, often swearing at one another in Russian as we pass by in the H/D chatrooms. Because that is how we Slavs greet one another—with curses and jibes about your mother.

Cola Karmon – whom I've just begun working with, has a distinct style and some great plots. Watch out for Switchblade Glances, a piece for which I am slated to pen the nasty, boy-on-boy bits.

I put it off at first, some of the tags had me debating and I thought eh, we'll see. I can just stop if it goes somewhere I don't like. Then you totally sucked me in....

I tag and warn like a motherfucker. I also tag accurately, with correct language in relation to the BDSM scene, which is key. I probably over-warn. But it's better than having triggery surprises lurking. When I handle tender topics, I always strive to do so with respect and honesty, not pointless eroticism. That's key.

But I digress... the point is, THANK YOU. This is such a good read, looking forward to so many more updates, and thank you for the quick updates at that. I crave the next bits.. two thumbs up!! If you write like this here, I hope that you write somewhere for publication too.. if not, finish this and then start!!

Yes, I publish. Due to the nature of my ghost-writing contracts, I'm not at liberty to say what. But I'm working on some original stuff, as mentioned above, for when my non-compete expires in roughly two years. You can find the first two chapters of my master work, Glas, (the piece for which Conscience is a testing ground) at DeviantArt, HERE.

Edited by sordid_humors
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--to addiena saffir

I am truly, without a doubt, enjoying this delightful story. Not only because of the college level vocabulary, but because it is done with such a delightfully sarcastic air. As you may or may not know, sarcasm can be considered it's own sub-language which in and of itself can be difficult to understand with high degree of skill. I look forward to being impressed with your verbosity.

Yes, I corrected the spelling mistakes/typos in your review. Because I'm blithe and pedantic like that.

I know exactly what you mean about the language of sarcasm. The boyfriend wears this tshirt, “Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupidity”. I think that says it all.

Glad to hear you're enjoying the ride.

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--to Tork

When I read books, I take the liberty of not giving a shit and sometimes change things in my head to better suit my fancy. For instance, Fred's not dead and that's all there is to it. However, when I read fanfiction, I just treat it as delicious fanwank; it doesn't contribute to how the story played out in the books for me. In some glorious shining cases, though, the plot is just believable enough, the characters just real enough, and the writing just beautiful enough that a new entirely valid world springs to life beside the original. I like to call these "Parallel Endings in Smut Filled Universes." Hah. And you, ma'am, have wrote the 3rd official "ending" of Harry Potter for me.

Thank you. I've always striven to create something intelligent, something which I myself enjoy reading.

Also, I'm a guy. Just FYI. It happens all the time.

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--to Leania

Another wonderful chapter; I've been looking almost daily for your story. I'm quite enthralled thus far and (since I haven't read any previous stories of yours) I am hoping you finish this unlike the few I've grown to enjoy that are no longer updated and nowhere near complete.

Thanks! I don't write a lot for the fandom, honestly. I don't consider myself a “fan” of the Harry Potter books (odd, right?), more of a casual reader bothered by the plot-holes present in a series which really should have been written for teens and adults, given its context and themes. This is more of a writing exercise for me as I build up for bigger and better things in my own career.

Conscience/Beretta will be finished. Outlines exist in extravagance. I'm expecting a total of over 500k words over 79 or 80 chapters. It should take me six to eight months to get to the finish line.

Ron seems to 'just' realize certain things and perhaps grow up a bit, but still holds onto immature ways... I almost want to reach into the story and smack him....

Ah, yes. The frontal lobe—used for decision making and predicting the ramifications of one's actions—is still under development at this age. It's especially weak for teen boys, part of the reason we see more young men having automobile accidents than their female counterparts, who have more function in the frontal lobe at that age. I also suspect Ronald's been concussed a time or two on the Quidditch pitch—or thanks to Fred and George. I'm not saying Ron's a brain-damaged idiot, of course; only that as he gets older, there will be parts of his brain that wake up and he will eventually see what a shit he's been to Harry.

Ron isn't the only character who suffers from teenaged frontal lobes—Harry will make many a stupid judgment call, as well as Ginny, Maldon Rees (the Slytherin Quidditch captain), and even Hermione. I embrace the fact that I am writing about teenagers, folks whose mental processes aren't on par with those of adults, though they may be intelligent little fuckers.

It almost seems like he doesn't want Harry to have other friends, and that strikes a chord with me. I've had several friends with that kind of attitude, sad to say... its a good story when I respond to characters like that. Keep up the good work, and I await the next captivating chapter, Sir.

Ron's a jealous son of a bitch. We learned that in Goblet of Fire when he wouldn't speak to Harry for months, assuming Harry had rigged the Goblet and not included his best mate.

Playing off of that, how jealous would Ronald then become if Harry was scheming outside of the Golden Trio, spending all his time with Malfoy and excluding his old friends from his new activities? Ron doesn't know what to do with all this anger... so he packs it into little balls to lob at Draco and Harry. Teenage boy, through-and-through.

Also, next chapter's up! Enjoy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

--to Leania, regarding Chapter 41

I enjoyed this latest chapter, that's what Hermione gets when she tries to get someone to do something they don't want to. Guilt trips and cajoling, and he's supposed to 'play nice'? I loved it! Seems like Draco has the teaching style of Snape, learn the hard way.

Draco's a dick. He does nothing to further his popularity—in fact, most of his daily actions make him vastly unpopular. But I think he understands that being powerful and forceful, having leverage, is sometimes more important for an authority figure's ultimate success. It's that old question of Machiavelli's, “Is it better to be feared or loved?” And you're right that Draco answers the query in the same fashion as Severus Snape. Fear, all the fucking way.

Draco is in no hurry to have the profanum vulgus screaming his name. He's there to do his duty, to act as a lieutenant to Harry and McGonagall and keep the student body safe. It's a huge, daunting, overwhelming task which has been put to him. But in there somewhere, Draco is up for it. And by protecting Hogwarts, he's getting some of the healing he needs after having Dumbledore killed before his eyes. That was the first in a succession of bodies Draco has seen in this traumatic little year. He has a lot of unresolved issues to work through.

Working with children, of course, is both therapeutic and draining. Being away from your loved one is taxing, emotionally and spiritually. Knowing the man you love is in danger, is off risking his life, and there's nothing you can do... well, it's a good thing Draco has the distractions of the castle. Else-wise he may have turned mad.

I do warn you that things are about to get very real. Draco's less-than-stable mental health is a huge component of Conscience, and he's about to be tested.

But not quite yet. There's a good portion of Beretta nonesense yet to come. Stay tuned, I guess.

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--to Leania, regarding Chapter 42

Harry learned to drive a stick shift that fast hmm? For all my years 'assisting' my Aunt shifting gears, I still drive a manual.

I see Harry as a very mechanically-minded person. Though he sometimes struggles with expressing his emotions, he's great at puzzles, enjoys games like chess and Quidditch, and does well when it comes to thinking critically or doing some creative problem solving. He's never been one to back away from a challenge. And after learning to ride a broomstick—which I imagine to be somewhere between a bicycle and a moped—a stick-shift, and motorcycles (hint-hint), wouldn't be far off.

Also, it's nearly impossible to get around the American landscape if you can't drive. I think Leon recognizes this and aims to teach Harry as a matter of blending in as well as a way to give Harry some autonomy and power over his new circumstances.

He's still a bit touchy when people call him 'gay' or 'bi' hmm? Still in denial?

Labels are a tricky thing. Harry really shies away from calling himself a gay man because, to him, that implies he's attracted to men in general. Which he isn't, as far as he can tell.

As adults and viewers, we have the privilege of reading into Harry's narrative. Notably in Beretta, Harry expresses the off-hand opinion that several men are attractive—Remus Lupin, Dmitry and Mikhail Ionescue, Nebojsa Radic—as well as still fancying women like Heather Lightley and Margie Gweir, Kieran's mother. From this, it's a fairly logical conclusion that Harry is bisexual. But more importantly, he's drawn to people with a rebellious streak, those with fight in them, men and women who are proud, confident, and not afraid of being different. He's attracted to these qualities because they are attributes he wishes to cultivate greater quantities of in himself.

The more Harry becomes intellectually powerful, the more comfortable he gets with himself and the more he learns to tell the world to sod the fuck off, the easier his transition will become and the less these sexual labels will bother him. He's squeamish about it partly because he's a teenager, and there's a whole stigma around young guys who claim to be bisexual—that they're just curious, or that their train's only making a lay-over on its way to Gay Town. Harry has struggled with his public image. We watched that in Goblet of Fire. He knows how valuable it is to have the public on his side. He's worried that if this “gay” business gets out, the Order might lose out on potential supporters as a result.

We're going to see Harry using these labels in many different contexts over the course of Beretta and also on the mainland of Conscience. Sexual identity and sexual labeling is too big of an idea to be put to bed so soon or so lightly. Eventually, Harry is going to find ways to harness his sexual preference and the way people label him to his advantage rather than his detriment. Just as Draco's young life taught him to use intimacy to avoid intimacy, Harry's going to come into the realization that sex can sometimes be used as a weapon.

This is all Beretta nonsense. I hate you, Beretta.

Edited by sordid_humors
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  • 1 month later...

--to Something_Else, regarding Chapter 42, “Shift”

First, the way you are outlining the Magic World of the Americas is amazing. I loved it. Just the set up of the field teams and the red-tape in dealing with the many American counterparts to British Intelligence, is genius. And spot on.

I've had my share of dealing with government bureaucracy over the years. I've been having fun with this “wild west” mentality, very Libertarian and anything goes. Its like I'm running around in a John Locke Trieste. Leviathan, more than likely.

Second, I send a hearty thank you for Harry's musings on his personal bit of gay/non-gay thought. It was thought provoking and shows a sense of acceptance that I feel is lost in many slash-fic writers. I bow to you.

The advantage, perhaps, of being a man in a woman's fandom?

Self identifying into a sexuality label is really hard when you're young. It's doubly hard for Harry as he's lost all parental figures—Dumbledore could've been especially helpful right about now—and believe me, I've been there. Orphaned, abused and neglected through my teen years instead of my childhood. But instead of a scar on my forehead, I'd been blessed with an IQ in the 170's and strong role models as a young child. I fought my way out tooth and nail. And while Harry's path to adulthood and self-acceptance is going to be different than mine due to circumstance, I don't think any amount of creativity or artistic license makes up for living through that sort of thing first-hand.

So anyway!

Harry's sexuality. Right now, he's comfortable somewhere on the border between MSM and heteroflexible. He's attracted to a boy and has fallen head-over-heels. And now that he's open to the idea of two men as romantic partners, he's becoming more aware that there are some attractive guys in his life. But due to his trust issues, Hero complex and massive ego, he's not ready to entertain the idea of romance outside from Draco. The other boy is his comfort zone, his metaphorical “closet,” and it's going to take a lot longer before he's ready to step out of that pocket and start to really figure his own shit out.

As always, it's gonna get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Teenage misconceptions and rash decisions abound. But on the flip side—entertainment, ho!

Thanks again, Bob.

Oh no. Thank you, Bob. You're lovely.

--to Leania, regarding Chapter 43, “Elephant Gun”

Of course Harry would be awesome as a Sniper, Seeker's not too far off, except your catching a Snitch instead of shooting one.

The “gun-shooting” business is also a thinly shielded metaphor for Harry's new tactic when it comes to Voldemort. Instead of being on the pitch, forced to chase after Voldie while dodging Bludgers and other players, Harry is taking to the trees, to the outskirts, and conducting a guerrilla-style warfare. Harry feels that by distancing himself—taking himself out of the player's mindset and becoming an observer—that he will gain new insight and become a more dangerous enemy.

It worked for the Spartans. It worked in Vietnam. Perhaps Harry is finally paying attention to some of that military chess strategy Ron has been dumping on him over the years, or at the least listening to Draco's academic background on the subject (at one point, Draco quoted Sun Tsu's The Art of War, so Draco has at least studied the type of situations Harry's putting himself in now).

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  • 3 months later...
Guest Sera21

Just found this and I got replies to my comments!! * squeals like a 12 year old at a Justin Bieber concert* ^O^ Now I feel special...ty hun, keep up the good work!!

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--to Sera21, regarding Chapter 50, “When The Lion & The Lamb Lie Together”

Hallelujah! An update!! I thought for sure you had done a runner.

I actually write this fic out of order. I've been plugging away these two months together; however, I wasn't writing anything for this point of the timeline. The ending is nearly complete, and I have entire chapters waiting in the wings. Now it's a matter of back-tracking, filling in the blanks.

As usual I am more surprised that you don't have a plethora of reviews as you well should so I shall continue to review even though writing positive reviews is a thing of rare occurance for me. Be assured that you have several loyal fans in the wings.

The lack of reviews is something I'm accustomed to. I'm writing in a very small niche. Add to that that the fic is NC17, that it has heavy violence, that is discusses sexuality and is ideologically sensitive... I'm not surprised there are only a few people who would be interested in reading that.

I have some strong reviewers across multiple sites. There's also the fact that this story is massive, and most folks tend to comment less on longer pieces, or not at all until the end arrives. I suspect this is the case.

All-in-all, I'm not worried. Conscience has served its purpose for me, which is all I set out to do. The rest is just icing.

I was wondering...is Ginny perhaps under the Imperius Curse? She can't explain her own actions and it wouldn't be the first time somebody has used her for dastardly deads. Some people just have the personality for that sort of thing I suppose.

You clever, clever reader, you! I've been waiting for someone to notice what—in my mind—seemed blatant. Brownies for you.

Nice of you to include somebody from South Africa.

My pleasure. One of the goals of this fic is to expand the magical community, showing different philosophies and lifestyles. I came up with Angelika Whipple fairly on, seeing her as a Dutch Afrikaner, pureblood, and from a politically conservative family. It's characters like Angie who further the believability of the story, giving the fictional universe some breadth and scope. There are more ways of thinking than what Harry has been exposed to during his six years at Hogwarts. Angie is just one piece in a far larger puzzle.

I just figured out a few days ago that your Beretta chapters were off-shots. Aaaaah word play!!! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!!!

There's another layer beneath that.

In “Roses,” Harry has a line which he delivers to Tonks. It's something akin to, “I'm not a weapon, to be kept in some dusty gun cabinet until The Order or The Ministry's ready to trot me out and save them. And I refuse to be loaded with everyone's hopes and shot at Voldemort.”

Harry thinks of himself as a weapon. And he sees his early confinement to Grimmauld Place to be like keeping a gun locked away in a cabinet until its needed. He feels trapped, and doesn't see himself as having much control over his life.

We're going to see more of Harry interacting with firearms. The Beretta handgun itself will become a part of the plot—Harry picking up a weapon, so that he can't be used as one.

--to AlterEquis

Oh dear, no more posted chapters of this fic. How did I read 50 in only a couple of days?

I think the more apt question should be, “how did Trey write 400k in under two years when he's not even a Harry Potter fanboy?” It defies logic. :)

--regarding posting schedule:

Conscience is in its final stages. Beretta isn't too far behind. Altogether, we have twenty nine chapters remaining: fifteen of them are Beretta, and the remaining fourteen are Conscience, including a final battle (currently 23k and growing at an alarming rate) along with a few chapters of wrap-up and post-war shenanigans.

I have four chapters already completed and ready to go. Eleven more are in varying stages, some missing a single scene and others less a few thousand words. My aim is to have everything finished and posted around January of 2013. We'll see how well that goes....

Edited by sordid_humors
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  • 3 months later...

I always wondered about that you know, Two alphas in a relationship with no positions decided, just gratification and care and adoration all done with absolute Masculinity, The idea has always been so HOT and out of reach in my mind that i just felt like it was one of those things that i was just never going to get, not in fiction or in fanfiction. I hate stereotyping of that sort. Your fiction was a personal joy to me, as your Draco and Harry are both such....BOYS...they are strong individuals with different explosive personalities and unrealistic sexual stamina..heheh..The plot is accommodating, the supporting and original characters are good as well, but never overbearing. In short,Conscience is unique and lovely and so long and twisted that it makes me comfortable and cosy... because when i come back to it every few months, i know i'll have a lot to read without the fear of being parted from it too soon..adds a different dimension to the whole experience. Thankyou.

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  • 6 months later...
Guest AlterEquis

Dear Sordid,

Yes youw writing this whole story is definitly a bigger miracle. I just read the story again and I am still in love with the storyline, Nebojsa, the brothers, your pulitzer worthy porn and most of all your incarnation of Harry and Draco.

You do not need to be a fanboy to enjoy playing in the HP world, it has so much room and possibilities to play!

I hope you are still around here somewhere because I would really love to read the rest of the story, even if it has holes in it. Pretty pretty please?

* puts Draco upfront and makes him beg* he is just better at that then I am! So will you?

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