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Need someone to edit my prologue


Hobgoblin

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I'm not really too happy with the way it turned out. It seems really sloppy and there's no flow to it. I couldn't add all the details I wanted to, so it just sounds weak and unpleasant. If someone could fix this up for me, that'd be greatly appreciated. The paragraphs contain the general idea of what I wanted to happen.

Here are the characters so that you can better utilize their descriptions.

Diamond, Pearl, Platina, Mars, Jupiter, Cyrus, Wig the Torterra, Chimler the Infernape, Empoleon, Purugly, and Tangrowth.

~~~

“Wig, no!” Dia cried, kneeling next to his fallen Torterra. The massive turtle had taken considerable damage in the recent fight, huge burns covering its shell and body. “We can’t give up now! Please; the Legendary Pokémon need us!” The creature tried to raise itself back up only to fall on its knees once again. Dia rummaged through his bag, hoping that he had at least one healing item left. “Please…there has to be something…”

Mars giggled and watched him paw through his bag desperately, her Purugly grinning wickedly as it flicked its tail. “You should know when to quit,” she laughed. “None of your Pokémon are in any condition to continue.” Dropping his bag in despair, Dia recalled his Torterra, his eyes downcast and miserable. He’d failed…he’d gone and lost when he was needed the most. After all of his training with Riley…after being considered a Pokédex holder…after working so hard to increase his team’s speed…and he’d still failed.

Mars recalled her Pokémon, walking over to the kneeling boy. She leaned down and cupped his chin, tilting his face up to meet hers. “Oh, don’t look so down, dear,” she cooed. “You’re about to witness the birth of a new universe. How many kids your age can say that?” Dia said nothing, his eyes blank and misty. Mars almost felt a small twinge of pity for the boy; it wasn’t his fault that he was too young to understand what they were doing. She pulled him into a small hug, his head resting on her chest. “Don’t worry. Everything will be so much better once Master Cyrus cleanses this world.”

~~~

Platina let out a choked sob, nuzzled against her Empoleon. Her Pokémon had fought valiantly against Commander Jupiter's Tangrowth, but it seemed as though its power wasn't enough. Not too far away, Pearl was realizing something similar, down to his last Pokémon as well.

“Natural Gift,” Jupiter called, her Tangrowth crushing a Durin Berry in its fist. The plant-monster absorbed the berry’s juice into its extremity, a transparent white outline surrounding its body. Water began to bubble forth from the stone ground, erupting into several powerful geysers which slammed into Pearl’s Infernape, dousing its mighty flames. The ape let out a pained shriek, before falling unmoving to the ground.

“Chimler!” Pearl knelt next to his Pokémon, placing a hand to its neck. He was relieved to find that it had merely fainted. “I’m sorry,” he said somberly. “If I had been a better Trainer, this wouldn’t have happened.” He held out its Pokéball, recalling it in a red beam of light. Suddenly, thick vines wrapped around him, the boy letting out a yelp of pain. “All done?” Jupiter sneered, her Tangrowth holding him down with an arm. In its other, he saw Platina, the girl's eyes clenched shut in agony. “Good. I was afraid I’d get to miss the show.”

~~~

Cyrus held the two Red Chains in his hands, a look of sinister triumph twisting his usually emotionless features. Dialga and Palkia roared at his sides, their wills completely overridden by his desires. "With the power of these two legends, a new world shall be born! A world without disgusting emotions that cause so much pain." He raised his hands in triumph, his knuckles white as he gripped the chains. "And these two shall be the arc to that world! Now, Dialga! Now, Palkia! Unravel both time and space, and create for me a true paradise!"

A chill ran through the air then, the two dragons ceasing their roars. Cyrus turned to them, irritation plain on his face. His irritation gave way to mild surprise, pure evil stretching forth from the ground. “What is this pressure I feel...? Something...is enraged?” The shadows continued widening, burning eyes like embers staring up at him from the void.

"What is this?" he sneered, undaunted by the chilling red eyes staring up at him. "Another incomplete being dares to interfere with my plans?" He looked angered at the very thought. "Nonsense! Your resistance is futile and meaningless!" The shadow stretched itself upwards, large wings adorned with blood red talons clawing at the stone covered ground. “You are not a part of my perfect world!” Cyrus snarled defiantly, glaring at the growing shadowy mass. “I, Cyrus, will not allow you to interf-” A harsh shriek filled the air, the creature swelling to an impressive size. Then Cyrus’ world went black as it came down upon him, immersing him in absolute darkness.

The two remaining Legendary Pokémon were still, not reacting in the slightest to the scene that had just played out in front of them. Then they simply vanished into thin air, as if they had never been there at all.

~~~

Cynthia and the others came onto the scene not too long after, coming in just in time to witness the massive shadow creature engulf Team Galactic’s leader. They were all frozen for several moments, the disappearance of Dialga and Palkia shaking them out of their stupor.

“Wh-what…what just happened?” Gardenia asked, her legs still trembling.

“It seems as though the Legendary Pokémon returned to their own dimensions,” Cynthia mused. “Cyrus’ Red Chains didn’t completely stabilize them to this plane, I assume…” She let out a sigh at the mention of that man. It was a shame that such tragedy had to befall him before he finally learned his lesson.

“So…everything is okay now, non?” Fantina queried. “The Team Galactic agents have défunt from Spear Pillar.”

“They shouldn’t get far. The Elite Four are stationed at each of the exits. Lucian should be able to sense the psychosomatic trail of anyone who tries teleporting.” The Sinnoh Champion looked around, a worried look in her eyes. “But…where did those three Pokédex Holders get to?”

~~~

Pearl groaned as a harsh light invaded his eyes, the boy bringing up a hand to shield his eyes. Suddenly, he jerked up with a start, realizing what had happened. Cyrus had summoned the ancient deities of Sinnoh! But…if that were true, then where was he now? He looked around, noting that he was in a holding cell of some sort. Dia and Platina were nowhere in sight, and his Pokéballs were also missing.

“Ah, finally awake, I see,” a cold voice said from not too far away. Pearl turned to see Jupiter, sitting in a small chair just outside the cell. “Did you enjoy your nap?” she asked with a sneer.

“You!” Pearl hissed. “Where am I!? Where are my friends!?”

Jupiter waved him off. “What are you getting so worked up about? You think you’d be happy seeing as Team Galactic’s plan fell into ruin.”

Pearl blinked a little, calming down at that. “Fell into…ruin?”

“Some strange…thing made off with Master Cyrus,” Jupiter explained, looking somewhat troubled at the memory. “Saturn also seems to have split from us…as well as that idiot Charon. And our grunts were all rounded up by the League.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Fortunately, they didn’t prepare for an aerial escape. Mars was able to help us escape with her Yanmega. You passed out from the sound of its wings beating.” That made sense; at full power a Yanmega's wings flapping could dislodge a tree.

"...Where are we now?" he asked, taking advantage of the Commander's slip in confidence. Maybe if he was able to assess where he was, he'd be able to send an SOS.

"We're in the Eterna Galactic Building," Jupiter said,

“So Team Galactic failed…” That news was probably the best he’d heard all day. He’d probably be more upbeat, were it not for the fact that he was locked up. “Well…what do you want with us?”

Jupiter sneered at him, her cold demeanor returning. “Isn’t it obvious?” She leaned in close to the cell doors. “Think about it; Pokémon battles are done for prizes, right? Be it money, gym badges, or a Championship title. I’m not interested in the latter, and I doubt you have enough money to make us happy. So…” She let out a cruel laugh. “we’ve decided to keep YOU as the prize.”

“That’s sick!” Pearl hollered. “You can’t do something like that! It’s a perversion of the battling sys-” A thick vine slithered through the bars, slamming him roughly against the wall. “I think you’ll find that we’re more than capable of doing whatever we want,” Jupiter snickered. “After all, we’re the ones with the ” Without his Pokémon, he was truly powerless.

“Now of you promise to be a good boy, I’ll let you out of that cage,” she smiled darkly at him, clearly enjoying his anguish. “There’s something I want you to see.” Pearl glared at the woman, but relented. Tangrowth released its bone-crushing hold, the woman unlocking the cell doors. The plant creature stayed behind, making a threatening motion in order to convince Pearl not to try anything funny. Jupiter prodded him towards the stairs and uttered a simple “Walk”. He obeyed, wondering just what kind of sinister plans the woman had in mind.

~~~

The Eterna Galactic Building was fairly small, so it didn’t take too long for them to navigate their way up the stairs. Pearl wracked his brain for a way out of this, desperate to escape. ‘No…I need to find Dia and the little miss first…and our Pokémon. Then we can worry about escape.’ The made their way up to the fourth floor, the boy still lost in thought. However, he snapped harshly back to reality once he saw what was in front of him.

Edited by Hobgoblin
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