JayDee's (Originals) review reply, story discussion and additional notes thread

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale (original title Fate of a Fagottist) part 4 review!

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pippychick

All the gang! Awesome, but then Jude had to turn up... grrr!

Thank you for your review! Though I feel a little bad about keeping you from your tea. Also, this is weirdly similar to Kate’s reaction. You’re… you’re not a werewolf are you?

I have another story started that would explain how Shannon had hooked up with Trenna for the night, not sure I’ll get it finished, but she needed someone to have been having fun with and hasn’t met her friend Astrid yet at the time the story’s set.

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It seems like it might be turning them both to stone or something. Probably something, otherwise Shannon wouldn't have been able to lift them both.

Not stone As if I’d write a story where an angelic character ended up in a statue… cough cough ahem. Shannon can get much stronger when she charges her succubus form up with sexual energy, but normally she’s at the fallen angel baseline which’d still be above human norm (and so able to jump through a ‘not stone’ wall!)

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I laughed out loud at the "Buttplug" remark.

Yay! It was an idea I had for a while I wanted to use, kind of a mood swerve but so very Shannon. I’m really glad it worked. She didn’t take the time to remove it either…

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I really wonder what idea Kizzy has had now. I just know she can't die. Mostly because you've got lots of story to write with her yet, and we know that vow has to backfire, because it'll be hilarious.

Plus Kizzy’s alive at the end of You! which is set later, but other readers who know I kill off characters needlessly all the damn time might feel some suspense!

Probably no surprise that Kizzy’s idea will be shown in Part 5 – A Succubus.

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Ha... didn't catch any of the prompt words. I had to go back to the forum post to check on them.

They were definitely easier to use than some of the prompts. I mean, I use juice in a whole load of my stories anyway, and the image of a body lying like jetsam feels like it works and may well have been used before. The next set are a bit harder, but I’m sure I’ll muddle through.

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I did see a typo here: with Jude handing atop Kizzy

Thank you! Amended to landing! It was a last minute change from another phrasing and so didn’t get as much re-reading. D’oh

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Thank you for sharing and saving me from making tea for a bit - I had to read first... though now it's off to the kitchen I go.

Thank you again for reviewing, I’m very grateful and it brightened my evening! I hope your tea was good, or is good, if it’s some kind of 8 course banquet you’re still feasting on as I type this.

Edited March 11, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale (original title Fate of a Fagottist)

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InBrightestDay

Well, ahead of everything else, I'll just say that this chapter was tense.  I legitimately don't know how they're getting out of this.

Thank you for your review! Gotta love getting reviews. There’s an old joke about someone wanting to write a story about camping, but found it too in tents. I said it was old, I didn’t say it was good.

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Of course...

"Fucking blue shell! I hope your fleas get fleas!"

Everything involving the Pack has at least a little bit of comedy!  I love both the fact that the "competition" sounds almost like something serious and is then revealed to be Mario Kart and the "I hope your fleas get fleas!" which is just funny in general.

Thanks! That’s what I hoped for. And for everyone know doesn’t know Mario Kart, it’s confusing as heck! Naturally Kate doesn’t actually have fleas. Since her last treatment bath. There was water everywhere.

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I also like Lupa's "Want my boot to trouble his ass?" not just because it's funny, but because it shows that in spite of her somewhat more abrasive personality and how it might conflict with Kizzy's more serious one, Lupa really does care about her friend.  It's just a nice little moment.

Thanks! Lupa really appreciates having friends, to the point where it once seemed a really good idea to make them vampires too.

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A kind of grey, as if the color itself was dying, spread slowly up his hand from the weapon, and across Kizzy’s belly beneath her rucked up t-shirt. Lupa’s eyes watered; it hurt to look at, like how she remembered the Sun’s dazzle.

That is such a cool mind-bending idea, that the colorlessness is actually hard to look at.  It really makes it feel unnatural.

Thank you! It’s definitely unnatural. Making a Void Blade had obscene costs and lots of suffering – the Duchess, needless to say,  delegated it all.

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And man, everyone immediately rushes to defend Kizzy.  Considering how Kizurial's reveal sent everyone into a panic back in The Slumber Party of Evil Doom, it's very sweet to see everyone rally around her like this, and it shows how much things have changed.

All for one, one for all! Plus they have an understanding with Kizzy now and don’t find here anywhere near as scary. From Lupa’s point of view, Kizzy stopped her from making the mistake of trying to turn her friends into vampires like her. That’s probably something I’ll try and cover when finishing Blood on the Hay

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“What the fuck is that?” Lupa asked.

“Buttplug,” answered Shannon vaguely.

Lupa’s eyes narrowed as she noticed the visible flared base. She snapped back,

“Not that you crazy fucking pervert! What’s this asshole done to Kizzy?”

Also funny, and very Shannon.  In addition, one wonders how Trenna is feeling about this, given that she may have seen Shannon sprout wings there.  Picking up Kizzy and Jude at the same time is a cool showing of Shannon's demonic strength as well.

Gotta feel a bit bad for Trenna here. She’s going down on Shannon, she just knows her lover’s about to boil over, when suddenly she’s gently but firmly pushed aside and Shannon jumps through a frickin’ wall as screaming starts below. I mean, the wings, the transforming outfit, and the inhuman strength are icing on that interrupted morning lay. On the other hand, If I do finish the story of how they hooked up the night before she’ll probably be well aware that Shannon isn’t actually human, by the time they go to bed– seeing wings appear would be a shock for anyone though!

And I’m glad you found that funny! I really wanted to include it, but had no idea if anyone else would find it amusing. I am kinda puerile and immature sometimes.

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I like the hints of Lupa's backstory.  I had wondered about whether or not her parents knew she was a vampire and...uh...I guess the answer is yes and no.  I also like her prayer here.  She may not know if God exists, but whether He does or not, it can't hurt to ask for some help right about now.

I’ve got most of Lupa’s backstory worked out in my head now. How she became a vampire, what happened to her family, why she’s a vampire alone and what it was making her think turning her closest friends into vampires would be a good idea. Also why she decided she wasn’t gonna believe in no creator or heaven and hell and the rest anymore. I don’t know if I’ll get to write the story about her becoming a vampire, but I hope do manage it. S’gonna have a golem in it!

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This whole situation did provoke a rather interesting question concerning your setting, one that I always have when angels or demons are introduced in a story: what happens to an angel/demon when it dies?

We know from Whore of Heaven that angels have souls (Luzurial's is mentioned) and we know from TSPoED that if a demon's (and thus presumably an angel's) material form is destroyed, their soul is sent back to wherever they came from, but both WoH and TSPoED feature an angel telling a demon that she will "grant you oblivion."  That sounds like destruction of the soul and erasure from existence (that's just "death" for an atheist, but for religious people that seriously rivals damnation for the title of "most existentially terrifying thing that can happen to you"), but in TSPoED Kizzy offers that to Shannon as a better alternative to being sent back to Hell, which makes me wonder if it means something else.  Does the identity get erased and the soul get reborn as something else, perhaps?  It's an interesting thing to think about.

I don’t recall what I was thinking with the offer in WoH, but I’m pretty sure for the TSPoED that Kizurial was offering a total cessation of existance. From her point of view the fallen were sent to Hell as punishment, and that punishment has continued for billions of years despite some of them briefly making it to mortal worlds like Earth before being sent forcefully back. To Kizzy oblivion is a way to end that torment and be free so it feels like a better option to her, especially if she doesn’t see much hope of them ever being redeemed – and I’m sure it can be done painlessly, too.

The Void Blade is not painless and doesn’t come with a “Waking up in Heaven/Hell” option.

The other option Kizzy could have offered was Shannon remaining on Earth. She didn’t consider that until Shannon sided with her against Eparlegna and redemption seemed possible. Neither of the demons  who were offered oblivion agreed with the offerer that it is a better deal and jumped to take it! I guess their perspective is different to the angels and probably closer to yours. I mean, sure, some of the fallen are probably pretty miserable in Hell, but others seem to like it ok – Chastia got bored down there while old Lucifer prefers to reign etc etc famous Milton quote.

What happened to Eparlegna in the current non-canon-ish ending of TSPoED part 3 was basically erasure/rebirth so it’s possible that they think they’re getting nothing while part of their energy lives on. Eh, with my sloppy approach to continuity and often half-assed philosophy I’m sure there’s multiple options that all work!

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Finally, I'm really interested to see where Shannon's taking Kizzy.  I would normally presume it's to "someone who can help" but no characters of yours are springing to mind, so I'm really curious.  Can't wait for the next chapter (which I presume will be titled "A Succubus")!

I hope it lives up to the plan I have in my head! You might decide it sucks, or makes no sense, or doesn’t fit with other stuff established. All of this could be true, though I hope not. If it is terrible though, please tell me! I’m happy to have negative feedback  – I can sometimes learn from it, while other times it generally matches my own perspective on my writing!

Thank you again, I really do appreciate the review. I hope your sorting out part 7 of 9 of The Woman in the Statue goes well. If it gives you trouble just tell it “Resistance is futile.” 

If you were a grievously wounded seraph, where would you ask to be taken?

Edited March 11, 2019 by JayDee

[InBrightestDay]

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

I’m glad you found that funny! I really wanted to include it, but had no idea if anyone else would find it amusing. I am kinda puerile and immature sometimes.

I think there’s some part of us, deep inside, that never matures past age twelve.  And in any case the ”not what I was talking” about joke is one I’ve always enjoyed.

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I don’t recall what I was thinking with the offer in WoH, but I’m pretty sure for the TSPoED that Kizurial was offering a total cessation of existance.

It’s probably about the same thing.  I mean, to paraphrase, it went like this:

Luzurial: Go home and stop hurting these people.

Eparlegna: How about no?

Luzurial: Well okay then. *draws sword*

Speaking of which, that’s another moment of yours in the “Luzurial is awesome” category, to the point that I honestly got kinda mad when she stepped into the trap immediately afterward and he laughed at her.  I was all “Stop laughing at her; she was being badass!”

But, you know, needs of the genre and all.

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From her point of view the fallen were sent to Hell as punishment, and that punishment has continued for billions of years despite some of them briefly making it to mortal worlds like Earth before being sent forcefully back. To Kizzy oblivion is a way to end that torment and be free so it feels like a better option to her, especially if she doesn’t see much hope of them ever being redeemed – and I’m sure it can be done painlessly, too.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying it’s worse than damnation (because obviously it isn’t), and I suppose it fits a certain definition of “free.”  You can’t very well be upset about not existing if you don’t exist...but the idea of it is terrifying (again, for people who believe in the afterlife).

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I hope your sorting out part 7 of 9 of The Woman in the Statue goes well. If it gives you trouble just tell it “Resistance is futile.”

It’ll be up Wednesday morning.  Still worried about it, but I’ve reached a painful acceptance that the problem isn’t one I can fix.

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If you were a grievously wounded seraph, where would you ask to be taken?

Well, my first thought would be outer space, where if she transforms and radiates like a solar flare it won’t cause a mass extinction, but that’s a bit of a simple solution.

The second option, though...I don’t know if Shannon has a pass to get back in there yet...

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale (original title Fate of a Fagottist) reviews!

And let’s try the at-symbol for these…

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@InBrightestDay

I tried to stay away...tried not to come back until Monday...and then you pulled me back in!

Thank you for coming back to review, I surely appreciate it. I guess the status of Shannon’s pass is now more obvious… Can’t fool the entrance!

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So, this chapter wastes no time whatsoever and you took a step I would not have dared to: you described Heaven!  It's incredibly difficult to describe paradise (if I ever need to, I'll probably end up falling back on a mix of Jewish folklore and Dante's Paradiso), and I like the way you handled it in terms of writing, describing the lake, the beach where Shannon lands, and not much else.  There's even another bit of makes-you-wonder description, with Shannon landing on "what passed for ground outside Paradise."  I suppose that would stereotypically be fluffy coulds, but I kind of like imagining that it's something a human brain can't quite comprehend.

Thanks! I specifically went as vague as possible beyond it having a lot of souls there, and the necessary lake which I had an idea was one of the earliest/oldest parts of the creation of Paradise. The earlier references to perception, such as over the wall, also work as a bit of a saving throw – if another character sees/experiences things differently then it can still work! Also, I needed to fit in the word klaxon and it felt as good a way as any. I also didn’t use Heaven as a term to be a little less specific. Don’t know if it worked, but eh.

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The chapter is mostly serious, and pretty tense (I like that the effect of the Void Blade hides Kizzy's angelic nature and forces Shannon to blitz her way in), but of course, there is at least one laugh-out-loud moment.

“Enough prattle. Your trick of entry will be uncovered and prevented from working again. Since Hell has not contained you, we’ll follow Kizurial’s example of a suitable punishment for one who has disobeyed the creator’s will.”

“She already made me watch Spock’s brain after I made her an internet dating profile.“

I can't describe how hard I was laughing at this, partly because of Spock's Brain being used as punishment, and partly because of the shenanigans.  I mean, the idea of Kizzy getting a dating profile is moderately funny (and kind of sweet), but imagining what a profile for her designed by Shannon would look like is hilarious.

Thank you! This is one of those things a character says, like with Kate and her claim she was bitten by a metalhead, that might be them just messing around or might actually have happened – I could see Shannon doing it with Kizzy’s interests at heart, so there could be a story there sometime. Plus, I too just found it a little funny.

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Of course, like I said, this chapter is mostly serious, and I like the genuinely emotional parts, like Shannon breaking a little when she thinks about being unable to go home, or remembering training with Luzurial on the lakeshore.

I figured actually being back there might hit Shannon harder than she expected. It’s been billions of years, and she’s trying to be a decent, but still she is the enemy, the betrayer of her duty who fell at the dawn of things.

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Speaking of Luzurial...

The principality wasted no more words. She raised her scepter and a pure white beam extended. A molecule thick covering coated Shannon. It spread swiftly up her body and over her head until a statue seemingly made of marble contained her body. Though immobilized, her senses were unblocked. She heard an order given to place her on Earth...

Oh that is going to be so awkward when Kizzy gets out of the lake.

Kizzy: You did what?

Principality: It was your idea!

And the ending of this part was why I decided to put the reference to Luzurial being trapped in the statue in back in part 2, otherwise it would just come out of nowhere. Since Shannon isn’t in constant agony and wasn’t horribly tortured first, she’s a lot better off than Luzurial. Besides “It was your idea!” (Also, heh ) The Principality has the argument that Shannon was cast down to Hell and made her way back in further than any demon ever managed, so restraining her in a different way was more appropriate. This also prevents her sharing how she got through the entrance before the Angels can figure it out. The whole thing ties in with the idea I had that there might have been a certain amount of bad feeling towards Kizurial, so when Shannon uses her name it encourages the Principality to mete out a harsher punishment than usual for breaking back into Paradise. That’s all stuff Kizzy needs to recognise and come to terms with, and ultimately, try to make amends for.

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As with just about every chapter of this story, you have seriously made me wonder what's going to happen next!

Thanks! The likelihood is that there is one more chapter to go, but I did have some ideas for a penultimate chapter. I’ve started on it and if I think it works there’ll be two more to go. I dunno. I just hope the ending makes sense and isn’t disappointing. But, eh, I’m having fun writing it.

Edited March 11, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale (original title Fate of a Fagottist)

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@pippychick

Hmm... I wonder what Kizzy wanted to be dropped into the lake for? I laughed out loud at "Chastia"  and at that fantasy she had when she invited the angels to read her mind (seems like something most of us might do, though, to be fair), and your author's note.

Thank you for the review! It’s good of you to stick with the story and provide the feedback. I guess Kizzy has a plan, like the A-Team’s Hannibal she loves it when a plan comes together. That’s one of the way she thinks things through more than Shannon who just likes coming together – I think she has fantasies like that about most people, but of course the Angels are inhumanly beautiftul/handsome so... I’m glad it made you laugh – it took me years after her first apperance to decide the name Shannon originally had, and in the end that seemed the most hilariously inappropiate one. I’ve actually done the first chunk of a story called The Fall of Chastia which from BronxWench’s guidance I’d have to post in the Books section as it features some Biblical angels as active characters and Lucifer’s rebellion. I hope to get it done!

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That ending though... sent me rushing to check. No way. If that means what I think it means, I did not see that coming. And what does it mean? Whoah... it can't be. No! It's a very cruel thing which is short circuiting my brain and making me quite uneasy. Maybe I am wrong. I'll wait and see, but I'll worry about it, and if it turns out to be what I think it is, all I can say is bravo! Because you really got me.

She’s been bound within  a statue as Luzurial was at the end of Whore of Heaven but she isn’t in any pain. As the Duchess mentioned earlier, it actually was Kizurial who gave the order that no angel should release Luzurial from Eparlegna’s statue as a further punishment for Luzurial disobeying the creator’s order to leave humanity to face Eparlegna alone. Kizurial was assigned to Earth by her Creator a relatively short time later, to deal with the kind of supernatural slumber party killer you might normally see an ordinary angel dealing with, and then needed to stay there, because she hadn’t returned Shannon to Hell, or granted her oblivion. These things may not be unconnected. The creator has plans too…

The Principality (who I alone have imagined with a Welsh accent) unaware of Shannon’s friendship and service with Kizurial, sees herself as applying Kizurial’s ‘justice’ to a demon who escaped Hell, although not being a demon herself hasn’t subjected Shannon to horrible tortures first. Shannon’s fate could just get very dull, bound in the statue, watching people going about their lives in a park somewhere, if Shannon doesn’t have some kind of succubus-power infused toy in there to keep her entertained until she is released…

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Every part of this makes the universe you're creating larger, and it feels like there are other, endless stories going on in the background. This is how Tolkien started. You carry on down this road and you'll end up surrounded by notebooks. And there'll be more than one person writing fanfiction for you.

Tolkien had a great sense of continuity, I barely keep continuity within the same scene   I just can’t write so good as some of you other folks on here. You and BronxWench or George – and InBrightestDay paints much better word pictures than I do! Still, I don’t feel bad because I get to enjoy your writing (or be deeply unsettled and actually have a frickin’ nightmare after the last one… But that can be enjoyable too, s’like a free horror movie.)

Edited March 11, 2019 by JayDee

[pippychick]

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

I’ve actually done the first chunk of a story called The Fall of Chastia which from BronxWench’s guidance I’d have to post in the Books section as it features some Biblical angels as active characters and Lucifer’s rebellion. I hope to get it done!

I had a little daydream that she started having sexual thoughts while training with Luzurial when you mentioned that memory… now I wonder what the actual story is!

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

I just can’t write so good as some of you other folks on here.

Just stop right there. There are a handful of authors that I read, and you are one. That number dwindles down still further when I’m actively writing stories myself, but you remain up there. Every now and again I delve into your back catalogue for a treat, because you’re written things that will stay with me forever (as I write this, I am thinking particularly of the Ace story in DW, and the one with the disembowelling crocodile rape monster thing, which I enjoyed even though I don’t know the fandom). Plus I adore your sense of humour.

[JayDee]

2 minutes ago, pippychick said:

I had a little daydream that she started having sexual thoughts while training with Luzurial when you mentioned that memory… now I wonder what the actual story is!

She definitely had distinctly impure, indeed downright mucky, thoughts about her commander Luzurial in the old days. And most of her comrades. And herself. I’ve basically got the ending written out but need to get it together and write the things that brought her to that point and if I don’t, well, the ending was fun to write! 

And it’s nice of you to say so, it really is, but I even have trouble writing the damn gore these days! I mean, look at this story here, someone’s been stabbed in the stomach and nobody even tried to fuck them as they were suffering. What the hell kind of JD story is this?

...oh now I remember the Ace story. Yeah, that one was fucked up. 

[InBrightestDay]

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

I figured actually being back there might hit Shannon harder than she expected. It’s been billions of years, and she’s trying to be a decent, but still she is the enemy, the betrayer of her duty who fell at the dawn of things.

There’s actually an additional aspect to the sadness.  Shannon states that this is never to be her home again.  While it’s never stated explicitly, it’s implicit in the setting that if demons are fallen angels, then they can redeem themselves.  It would explain why Luzurial offered to let Eparlegna leave peacefully in spite of how she must have felt about what he was doing to her mortal charges: erasing him from existence removes whatever tiny chance of redemption he may have (this also adds to the tragedy of Luzurial suffering horribly for being nice), and would explain why the Fallen were exiled instead of killed, since exile allows them to contemplate their mistake and potentially repent.  Last but not least, it would mean Kizzy likely scored some points for her ultimate decision not to kill Shannon.

So Shannon’s assumption that she can never go home is especially sad because, in spite of her genuinely kind heart, she appears to have assumed that she is beyond redemption.

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

The whole thing ties in with the idea I had that there might have been a certain amount of bad feeling towards Kizurial, so when Shannon uses her name it encourages the Principality to mete out a harsher punishment than usual for breaking back into Paradise. That’s all stuff Kizzy needs to recognise and come to terms with, and ultimately, try to make amends for.

This raises another question.  Back in The Slumber Party of Evil Doom, Shannon only recognized Eparlegna as a demon who had wreaked havoc on an alternate Earth, which begs the question: does she know what happened to her commanding officer and mentor?

When I said things were going to be awkward when Kizzy got out of the lake, I had meant for that Principality (and also for Jude if he wakes up), but things might get really awkward for Kizzy and Shannon as well.

Shannon: What was up with that whole statue thing?

Kizzy: You may wish to sit down...

[JayDee]

32 minutes ago, InBrightestDay said:

There’s actually an additional aspect to the sadness.  Shannon states that this is never to be her home again.  While it’s never stated explicitly, it’s implicit in the setting that if demons are fallen angels, then they can redeem themselves.  It would explain why Luzurial offered to let Eparlegna leave peacefully in spite of how she must have felt about what he was doing to her mortal charges: erasing him from existence removes whatever tiny chance of redemption he may have (this also adds to the tragedy of Luzurial suffering horribly for being nice), and would explain why the Fallen were exiled instead of killed, since exile allows them to contemplate their mistake and potentially repent.  Last but not least, it would mean Kizzy likely scored some points for her ultimate decision not to kill Shannon.

So Shannon’s assumption that she can never go home is especially sad because, in spite of her genuinely kind heart, she appears to have assumed that she is beyond redemption.

The ability to atone is something I’m planning to explicitly confirm in The Fall of Chastia, the current phrasing is:

“Ashael. You have my sympathy, but I am not able to forgive your crime. I only hope that you may atone. I hope all of you may atone, even Lucifer, and come again into the Creator’s light at the Time of Judgement. The Creator's will be done.”

That’s just Luzurial speaking from her understanding, before sending Ashael off on that long journey that will lead to her becoming a Duchess of Hell and screwing a bassoonist in the back of a limo, but I’m assuming redemption before the Time is possible.

Shannon is still under the impression that she can’t have sexual relations as an angel, or while residing in Paradise, so here and later on in Fucking Halloween Party she’s still thinking she could never go back because her inherant nature would make it a miserable time, and she would inevitably do something to fall again – by FHP she’s basically convinced herself again she doesn’t want to go back. As noted another time when she does find out the truth about angels and the permitting of sexual relations she might want a big tub of ice cream.

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This raises another question.  Back in The Slumber Party of Evil Doom, Shannon only recognized Eparlegna as a demon who had wreaked havoc on an alternate Earth, which begs the question: does she know what happened to her commanding officer and mentor?

When I said things were going to be awkward when Kizzy got out of the lake, I had meant for that Principality (and also for Jude if he wakes up), but things might get really awkward for Kizzy and Shannon as well.

Shannon: What was up with that whole statue thing?

Kizzy: You may wish to sit down...

Heh. She knows what happened to Luzurial, and I actually have a story in mind to write some time about her reactions to it and how she secretly tried to get Luzurial out without anyone knowing, but failed because she’s a demon – Eparlegna apparantly didn’t want any of his pettier fellow denizens of the pit (Hi, Duchess) ruining his work of art just to mess with him, or inspiring any mortals to do it for the same reason, so only angels or non-demonically influenced mortals can do it. She assumes that angels are already doing everything they can to try and release Luzurial, otherwise she’d have been bugging Kizzy all the time to, uh “make it so”.

If she had been able to influence a mortal into it, then rather sooner than 75 years...:

Shannon: “I’ll suck your dick if you vandalise that statue and pull the coating off? No? Hey, you, sweetie, got any succubus in you? Would you like some-.. Damn it! The Somebody Else’s Problem field in the park is totally making this hard!… Sir, have you been saved from virginity?”

She doesn’t know about Kizurial’s involvement in the commands– word has reached some non-angels (Hi again, Duchess), but didn’t make it to Shannon yet. And, yes, awkward probably isn’t quite the word, but they’ve worked through it by FHP and You! at least. Strong friendship!

Anyway, no doubt due to some kinda Narnia time-passing-relatively-faster between the two parrallels as a result of the statue merely existing in one of them making the universe itself want to end quicker to be rid of it (it’s the best theory I got so far), by the time Kizurial comes to terms with the fact she made a mistake in her interpretation of justice, and basic fuckin’ empathy, and agrees that the order not to help Luzurial should be rescinded, 75 years have passed within the WoH universe and a curious (or… dun dun DUNNN! divinely inspired? :p ) college guy has taken action and the events of The Woman in the Statue have happened, and Shannon and Kizzy arrive there to find [aftermath of chapter 8 and 9 events. You know what I mean. Glitter everywhere. Wait, no, that’s a different thing.]

Kizzy: “Over there… Look! She’s already released!”

Shannon: ...”and normally that would have all the parts of my attention, but would you feel the lust boiling off the cute girl hugging that even cuter guy! She makes me look asexual!”

[InBrightestDay]

8 hours ago, JayDee said:

She knows what happened to Luzurial, and I actually have a story in mind to write some time about her reactions to it and how she secretly tried to get Luzurial out without anyone knowing, but failed because she’s a demon – Eparlegna apparantly didn’t want any of his pettier fellow denizens of the pit (Hi, Duchess) ruining his work of art just to mess with him, or inspiring any mortals to do it for the same reason, so only angels or non-demonically influenced mortals can do it.

I...actually kind of want to read that.  It would be sad, but it would also be comforting somehow to know that somebody outside of The Least I Can Do (which I haven’t even uploaded) actually cares about what happened to Luzurial.  I know that sounds odd, but that’s how it is.

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She doesn’t know about Kizurial’s involvement in the commands– word has reached some non-angels (Hi again, Duchess), but didn’t make it to Shannon yet. And, yes, awkward probably isn’t quite the word

And I kinda want to see that for exactly the same reason, also because it would be all kinds of dramatic.  On the other hand, the 1000 word limit might keep the exchange from being done justice, and seeing as Kizzy did just almost die, it might be a little soon for her to have that conversation.

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but they’ve worked through it by FHP and You! at least. Strong friendship!

No kidding.  I’m guessing it sort of simmers beneath the surface, with Kizzy not wanting to bring it up because she might feel a little guilty (though how much is anyone’s guess) and Shannon not wanting to bring it up because she knows it will make her angry at her friend...though periodically she might end up thinking about Luzurial screaming behind her own eyes and want to bring it up.

At any rate, please don’t think I’m trying to dictate what you write in any of your fics.  You do you.  This is mostly just me venting again.

Of course, during this discussion...

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Hey, you, sweetie, got any succubus in you? Would you like some

I do so love Shannon’s pickup lines.

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Anyway, no doubt due to some kinda Narnia time-passing-relatively-faster between the two parrallels as a result of the statue merely existing in one of them making the universe itself want to end quicker to be rid of it (it’s the best theory I got so far)

Or the passage of time just isn’t synchronized in all universes.

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by the time Kizurial comes to terms with the fact she made a mistake in her interpretation of justice, and basic fuckin’ empathy, and agrees that the order not to help Luzurial should be rescinded, 75 years have passed within the WoH universe and a curious (or… dun dun DUNNN! divinely inspired? ) college guy has taken action and the events of The Woman in the Statue have happened

So, that’s the other thing I wanted to bring up.  You mentioned this:

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Tolkien had a great sense of continuity, I barely keep continuity within the same scene

I feel like you had a strong continuity in the Kizurial stories before I accidentally wrecked it by writing The Woman in the Statue, which threw Chapter 3 of The Slumber Party of Evil Doom into canon limbo.  If you wanted to lock that down, all you need to do is invoke your authority to de-canonize WitS.  My little therapy project goes back to being what it was before, Whore of Heaven fanfiction, and you get continuity back.  Eparlegna is reincarnated into Luzurial, who stays in the statue either for 2 undecillion (minimum proton half-life) to 30 tredecillion (maximum proton half-life) years...or until Kizzy decides to let her out.

If you want to resolve this in your own way, feel free to declare the story I kept referring to as a non-canon sequel to be a non-canon sequel.

Also, between what I’m saying right now, what you said earlier and what pippychick said while responding to my review on The Pollution of George Farrow, I’m starting to think we’re all in some kind of mutual support group for authors with low self-confidence.

Don’t break it up, mind you; I need this support group.  I’m just pointing it out.

[JayDee]

12 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

I...actually kind of want to read that.  It would be sad, but it would also be comforting somehow to know that somebody outside of The Least I Can Do (which I haven’t even uploaded) actually cares about what happened to Luzurial.  I know that sounds odd, but that’s how it is.

Since I decided Luzurial was Shannon’s old boss, way back while writing a chunk of text in reply to your initial setting up a crackfic threesome dialogue (“I’m not sure about this woman” you had I think   ), it’s been pretty much guaranteed that Shannon cared about what happened to her! Whether I write it or no… but the ideas the are there. Sad Shannon Oneshot? :p

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And I kinda want to see that for exactly the same reason, also because it would be all kinds of dramatic.  On the other hand, the 1000 word limit might keep the exchange from being done justice, and seeing as Kizzy did just almost die, it might be a little soon for her to have that conversation.

You would honestly probably do a better job of writing it than me. My drama is often undercut by attempts at comedy, like, I dunno

Lupa: Whoa, didn’t know Shannon got angry.

Kate: What about that you fed on that guy while she was making coffee, then he didn’t have enough blood to get it up for her, and passed out before using his fingers?

Lupa: She wasn’t angry, just disappointed.

It won’t be covered in this story anyway, this is about Jude’s fate, not Jan’s or Kate or Lupa’s or Shannon’s… It might come up in another one. Probably not titled “The Slut in the Statue” 

“My name is Shannon. My hobby is whore. More of a vocation, really.”

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No kidding.  I’m guessing it sort of simmers beneath the surface, with Kizzy not wanting to bring it up because she might feel a little guilty (though how much is anyone’s guess) and Shannon not wanting to bring it up because she knows it will make her angry at her friend...though periodically she might end up thinking about Luzurial screaming behind her own eyes and want to bring it up.

At any rate, please don’t think I’m trying to dictate what you write in any of your fics.  You do you.  This is mostly just me venting again.

I think Shannon wouldn’t bear a grudge so long as Luzurial was out again. That’s another reason to have the whole time skip thing with the other universe. Shannon has spent billions of years in Hell so getting on with people who’ve done stupid shit or made terrible mistakes is basically a life skill and, ultimately, she still has a forgiving nature. She’d still be sad about what happened to Luzurial, but what happened to her was far more Eparlegna’s doing than Kizzy’s. Kizzy, on the other hand, once she finally understood she had something to feel guilty for, might have a long time of feeling terrible about it. I think there’s also potential for a scene where Kizurial apologised to Luzurial.

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Of course, during this discussion...

I do so love Shannon’s pickup lines.

That line is so old they say Solomon tried a version on Bilqīs!

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Or the passage of time just isn’t synchronized in all universes.

That was my other thought, very Narnia! But the big advantage of it being directly tied to the existence of Eparlegna’s work of art (or even Eparlegna himself bound within it) would be that they then move at the same speed afterwards, which would deal with other problems I could see from them being out of sync. I dunno, probably won’t come up in a story unless there’s some kind of crossover.

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So, that’s the other thing I wanted to bring up.  You mentioned this:

I feel like you had a strong continuity in the Kizurial stories before I accidentally wrecked it by writing The Woman in the Statue, which threw Chapter 3 of The Slumber Party of Evil Doom into canon limbo.  If you wanted to lock that down, all you need to do is invoke your authority to de-canonize WitS.  My little therapy project goes back to being what it was before, Whore of Heaven fanfiction, and you get continuity back.  Eparlegna is reincarnated into Luzurial, who stays in the statue either for 2 undecillion (minimum proton half-life) to 30 tredecillion (maximum proton half-life) years...or until Kizzy decides to let her out.

If you want to resolve this in your own way, feel free to declare the story I kept referring to as a non-canon sequel to be a non-canon sequel.

Also, between what I’m saying right now, what you said earlier and what pippychick said while responding to my review on The Pollution of George Farrow, I’m starting to think we’re all in some kind of mutual support group for authors with low self-confidence.

Don’t break it up, mind you; I need this support group.  I’m just pointing it out.

No way. The Woman in the Statue is too brilliant not to be canon and both the events in it and talking about it with you has inspired me towards thinking about relationships between the OCs so much more. I just gotta get around to re-doing chapter 3 of Slumber Party until then part 3 remains un-cannon (it was so jokey it was barely canon in the first place).

It’s your choice too, but I am honored to have it as the canon sequel to Whore of Heaven

I don’t have self-confidence for anything, never mind writing! Also, cool to see the update, I’ll get part 7 reviewed later today

Edit: And, hey, happy to support your writing! Your writing is awesome, you should totally have confidence in it.

Edited March 11, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

I renamed the story to Jude’s Tale since as much as I like the alliteration his musical ability has very little to do with the story. This might turn out to be  mistake, but I am sure it’s one I can live with.

[InBrightestDay]

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

Whether I write it or no… but the ideas the are there. Sad Shannon Oneshot?

Shannon’s still an angel where it counts, so I suppose it would technically qualify as an SAO.

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You would honestly probably do a better job of writing it than me. My drama is often undercut by attempts at comedy, like, I dunno

Lupa: Whoa, didn’t know Shannon got angry.

Kate: What about that you fed on that guy while she was making coffee, then he didn’t have enough blood to get it up for her, and passed out before using his fingers?

Lupa: She wasn’t angry, just disappointed.

Okay,

1. That’s hilarious.
2. I don’t think you always undercut your drama with comedy.  Recall that you shared part of The Fall of Chastia with me, and that was a really emotional piece, so don’t assume I’d write it better than you would.
3. Even if I would somehow write it better than you would, there’s something about reading someone else’s work that just doesn’t come from reading your own.

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It won’t be covered in this story anyway, this is about Jude’s fate, not Jan’s or Kate or Lupa’s or Shannon’s… It might come up in another one.

Wait, we’re just leaving Shannon in there?  I mean, since this is a prequel to other stories with these characters we know she gets out, but that might be a tale worth telling down the road.

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I think there’s also potential for a scene where Kizurial apologised to Luzurial.

That would also be really emotional.

Again, I’m sorry if it came across like I was trying to push you into writing anything in your next chapter; I’m really not trying to.  This is your story and you should write what you want to.  The fact that Luzurial’s suffering became as much of a plot point in this story as it is just gave me the feels again, that’s all.

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the big advantage of it being directly tied to the existence of Eparlegna’s work of art (or even Eparlegna himself bound within it) would be that they then move at the same speed afterwards, which would deal with other problems I could see from them being out of sync.

That’s actually a really good point I hadn’t thought of.

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I dunno, probably won’t come up in a story unless there’s some kind of crossover.

Well, if Kingmaker711 ever contacts me there freaking will be.  I had a villain and evil plan ready to go, but it incorporated a plot element from The Girl Next Door, so I don’t feel comfortable writing it without permission.  Since he’s incommunicado, that plan’s on hold indefinitely.  On the other hand, if any idea pops into your head down the road, run with it!

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I renamed the story to Jude’s Tale since as much as I like the alliteration his musical ability has very little to do with the story. This might turn out to be  mistake, but I am sure it’s one I can live with.

Roger that.  Thanks for announcing that to avoid confusion.

Edited March 12, 2019 by InBrightestDay

[JayDee]

15 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Okay,

1. That’s hilarious.
2. I don’t think you always undercut your drama with comedy.  Recall that you shared part of The Fall of Chastia with me, and that was a really emotional piece, so don’t assume I’d write it better than you would.
3. Even if I would somehow write it better than you would, there’s something about reading someone else’s work that just doesn’t come from reading your own.

1. Thank you! It’s always annoying when a housemate drinks something you were going to enjoy yourself, am I right?
2. That was the very first draft. I can totally see me thinking up jokes when I go back through and deciding to ruin the mood with them.
3. There is that. I always prefer reading other folks stuff to be sure.

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Wait, we’re just leaving Shannon in there?  I mean, since this is a prequel to other stories with these characters we know she gets out, but that might be a tale worth telling down the road.

I have thought of a way to get her out as part of Jude’s story, but it’ll need an extra chapter. An Epilogue part maybe! I’ll see how it goes Damn thing keeps expanding. Still wouldn’t fit in having things out with Kizzy though. As you say, the 1000 word chapter type probably wouldn’t do it justice.

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Again, I’m sorry if it came across like I was trying to push you into writing anything in your next chapter; I’m really not trying to.  This is your story and you should write what you want to.  The fact that Luzurial’s suffering became as much of a plot point in this story as it is just gave me the feels again, that’s all.

You have nothing to apologise for! Never know what kind of suggestion might spark someone into something. It doesn’t feel remotely like pushing – apologies though if anything I’ve said felt like pushing with yours, I mean except for stoner and sloth monster, I totally pushed for that.– and sorry ‘bout the whole feels again thing. I wasn’t really joking about the Sad Shannon Oneshot, if you needed to write something around that or any of the other bits go ahead!

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Well, if Kingmaker711 ever contacts me there freaking will be.  I had a villain and evil plan ready to go, but it incorporated a plot element from The Girl Next Door, so I don’t feel comfortable writing it without permission.  Since he’s incommunicado, that plan’s on hold indefinitely.  On the other hand, if any idea pops into your head down the road, run with it!

So here’s where it might be helpful to come to the conclusion that Kingmaker711 won’t be coming back to you. Maybe he’s quit erotic writing for mainstream writing, or decided he was living in sin and joined a church or even woke up one night to see Gabriel putting pool balls into a sock with a “So, I heard what you wrote about my girlfriend” expression.

That being the case you come up with a way to change the plan to have nothing to do with Kingmaker711’s story, and you’re good to go. If you needed help on it you could even start a thread on the writer’s forum!

[InBrightestDay]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

That was the very first draft. I can totally see me thinking up jokes when I go back through and deciding to ruin the mood with them.

You could always do what I did for The Woman in the Statue during our emails and mention jokes you thought of but didn’t use.

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There is that. I always prefer reading other folks stuff to be sure.

I’m going to circle back to that in a minute.

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I have thought of a way to get her out as part of Jude’s story, but it’ll need an extra chapter. An Epilogue part maybe! I’ll see how it goes Damn thing keeps expanding.

I know what that feels like.  You may recall that WitS was originally only going to be four chapters long.  Four very large chapters but still.

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You have nothing to apologise for! Never know what kind of suggestion might spark someone into something. It doesn’t feel remotely like pushing – apologies though if anything I’ve said felt like pushing with yours, I mean except for stoner and sloth monster, I totally pushed for that.– and sorry ‘bout the whole feels again thing. I wasn’t really joking about the Sad Shannon Oneshot, if you needed to write something around that or any of the other bits go ahead!

And now we come back to what I was talking about before.  See, reading this didn’t hurt me the way Whore of Heaven or the Lailah corruption scene and its aftermath did, so I’m not writing an SAO.  If that Shannon fic ever gets written, it’s going to be by you (I know your response is likely to be something like “then it's not getting written,” but never say never...).

No, what I meant by the feels was something completely different.  I know WitS is canon, but since you’re the original author, I have a tendency to think of your stories as the “real” stories, or perhaps the “main” stories, the way that Earth-616 is Marvel’s main universe.  When the Duchess was, ahem, enjoying thinking about Luzurial’s effectively eternal suffering, it made me kind of sad, but it also gave me this sort of bittersweet hope, only reinforced by Shannon doing a small amount of time as a statue, that there would be some acknowledgment of what Luzurial was going through, some expression of empathy or sympathy for her, in the main stories.  I became sad again as it became clearer that wasn’t going to happen; that the only one sparing her a thought would be the Duchess relishing her pain.

Again, this is not me pushing.  I’m not saying you need to or should include this.  You have a plan for how this story is going to go, and I’d feel guiltier than you would believe if I screwed it up, especially since the list of “people who feel really bad for Luzurial” is...a rather short one.  I’m just trying to explain myself.

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So here’s where it might be helpful to come to the conclusion that Kingmaker711 won’t be coming back to you.

I mean, I figured that out a while back.  I tend to assume that if I don’t hear back from someone within two weeks, I’m just not going to hear back from them.  When I said “on hold indefinitely” I didn’t mean “any minute now...”, but rather “I’m probably not writing this story.”

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Maybe he’s quit erotic writing for mainstream writing, or decided he was living in sin and joined a church or even woke up one night to see Gabriel putting pool balls into a sock with a “So, I heard what you wrote about my girlfriend” expression.

I’m fairly certain the first one’s closest.  He left a farewell message on his Literotica profile, and said that while he enjoyed writing for the site, his life was drawn to other things now so he didn’t have time to write for it anymore.

The problem with trying to get help in modifying the story is that I would have to pretty thoroughly spoil the villain’s plan to explain where the similarities to TGND begin and end.  I could explain it to you via PM or email, but again, that would only be if you didn’t mind spoiling a significant part of the potential story.

Finally, I noticed this:

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I guess Kizzy has a plan, like the A-Team’s Hannibal she loves it when a plan comes together.

Well, shit.  I am now legally obligated to do this.

*theme music begins*

In 2011, a group of four girls was targeted by an undead serial killer and a hillbilly rapist.  These girls promptly escaped with extreme prejudice.  Today, still wanted by the forces of evil, they survive as a tight-knit group of friends.

If you have a problem.  If no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...The K-Team.

Starring

Kizzy “I love it when a plan comes together” Dieudonné

Shannon “(will sit on your) Face” MacDuff

Kate “Howlin’ Mad” Wilde

Lupa “my Boot troubles your Ass” Lopez

[JayDee]

7 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Finally, I noticed this:

Well, shit.  I am now legally obligated to do this.

*theme music begins*

In 2011, a group of four girls was targeted by an undead serial killer and a hillbilly rapist.  These girls promptly escaped with extreme prejudice.  Today, still wanted by the forces of evil, they survive as a tight-knit group of friends.

If you have a problem.  If no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...The K-Team.

Starring

Kizzy “I love it when a plan comes together” Dieudonné

Shannon “(will sit on your) Face” MacDuff

Kate “Howlin’ Mad” Wilde

Lupa “my Boot troubles your Ass” Lopez

This is fucking great. Genuine laugh out loud funny. See, this is the difference between a cheap smutty inuendo and straight up quality parody. I’m probably going to be chuckling about this all day!

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You could always do what I did for The Woman in the Statue during our emails and mention jokes you thought of but didn’t use.

...that sounds far beyond the limited self control I possess when it comes to writing. How limited? I wrote and uploaded a Spyro snuff story for a request.

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And now we come back to what I was talking about before.  See, reading this didn’t hurt me the way Whore of Heaven or the Lailah corruption scene and its aftermath did, so I’m not writing an SAO.  If that Shannon fic ever gets written, it’s going to be by you (I know your response is likely to be something like “then it's not getting written,” but never say never...).

No, what I meant by the feels was something completely different.  I know WitS is canon, but since you’re the original author, I have a tendency to think of your stories as the “real” stories, or perhaps the “main” stories, the way that Earth-616 is Marvel’s main universe.  When the Duchess was, ahem, enjoying thinking about Luzurial’s effectively eternal suffering, it made me kind of sad, but it also gave me this sort of bittersweet hope, only reinforced by Shannon doing a small amount of time as a statue, that there would be some acknowledgment of what Luzurial was going through, some expression of empathy or sympathy for her, in the main stories.  I became sad again as it became clearer that wasn’t going to happen; that the only one sparing her a thought would be the Duchess relishing her pain.

Again, this is not me pushing.  I’m not saying you need to or should include this.  You have a plan for how this story is going to go, and I’d feel guiltier than you would believe if I screwed it up, especially since the list of “people who feel really bad for Luzurial” is...a rather short one.  I’m just trying to explain myself.

It totally makes sense and I see where you’re coming from. I don’t know when my writing motiviation is going to give out again (this chapter I am doing at the moment I am having a hard time getting right… and it’s only 1000 words, talk about yer atrophied writing muscles), but if I manage a final part with Shannon being released then I can definitely see how to include some non-forced references to Luzurial into the wordcount – I mean, being in a statue herself it wouldn’t make sense for Shannon not to think about her. It doesn’t feel like pushing at all!

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I mean, I figured that out a while back.  I tend to assume that if I don’t hear back from someone within two weeks, I’m just not going to hear back from them.  When I said “on hold indefinitely” I didn’t mean “any minute now...”, but rather “I’m probably not writing this story.”

I’m fairly certain the first one’s closest.  He left a farewell message on his Literotica profile, and said that while he enjoyed writing for the site, his life was drawn to other things now so he didn’t have time to write for it anymore.

The problem with trying to get help in modifying the story is that I would have to pretty thoroughly spoil the villain’s plan to explain where the similarities to TGND begin and end.  I could explain it to you via PM or email, but again, that would only be if you didn’t mind spoiling a significant part of the potential story.

I’d rather have it spoiled for me if it meant you could could get it written. Then I’d still enjoy it and other folks could enjoy it too! I have had some ideas about what was coming in The Woman in the Statue for, at the most basic level, like 10 years and more recently some things you said in the emails (The final part where they resolve everything with a Battle of the Bands challenge is gonna be so epic!) and that hasn’t spoiled my enjoyment at all anyway.

[JayDee]

A Big Girl's Bad End is a crime against all that is good and right in this world. It’s offensive to all right thinking people and quite a few degenerate scum.

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@CloverReef

Welp... You went there, didn't you. 

I honestly don't know why I did. Like... I went to the forums, saw your name and thought "Jaydee is an awesome writer. Maybe I'll see what they've done lately, find me a little nice WAFF tentacle porn story or something" but then I saw this one and... well, you know how morbid curiosity works. I just... Why? Why, Jaydee? Why do you do this to me? 

Thank you for your review. I appreciate all reviews! I am sorry however that you subjected yourself to this trash. I mean I’m sorry for you because even re-reading what I wrote 10-11 years ago was hard going so how it went for yourslf… eessh. Two more scrolls down and you’d ave reached the WAFFiest story I’ve done in the last year which was Twinpregnation, also a re-write, but which which has one of the happiest endings I ever wrote. It even has representation for that often bashed group, the ginger male. No tentacles though.

Sadly I do know exactly how morbid curioisity works. I figured the ‘scroll by’ warning might even cause some, but sort of hoped the bold message inside would help dissuade it, but anyone who doesn’t gets to see the very rich treating the less well off horrifically, which could almost be satire. But is really just crap.

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So let's start with a couple little positive notes. The naming of the characters. I love that. Gertie. Van Dijk. Stott. It all feels so intentional, so tongue-in-cheek. I love it. There's also, as there usually is with you, quite a few genius lines in here. My first favourite was - and I'll only put a few words of it because I don't want to have to put warnings on a review - "practiced incestuous ease" lol. So brilliant. 

The second one... Okay, so here I was, reading, horrified, wanting to hit the back button, and wondering what BBW rubbed JayDee the wrong way to inspire this little diddy. And then I read a line like "Cadence's vocabulary sometimes set the wrong tone" and I legit laughed out loud. 

The Van Dijk family first appeared in one of my old, almost as bad, stories in the form of Michael who got a reference there. For the other names I wanted something that felt realistic but also wasn’t likely to come up on someone else searching their name. So Gertie and Abe are kinda old fashioned anyway, and Stott is a fairly rare surname and together they don’t bring up a load of living folks. I’m  glad you found some good lines in there to lessen the horror. That ‘Cadence’s vocabulary’ line was one that occured to me while I was doing the re-write and I just thought screw it and threw it in. I could see the horrible badly educated rapists thinking “what the hell does corpulent mean?”

No BBW rubbed me the wrong way. Literally none of the nasty shit I’ve written has been because I hate folks or think they deserve to suffer or whatever. Part of it was just dealing with the shit ideas my lamia muse hissed at me by writing them down, part of it was wanting some validation by writing the nasty requests and hoping for feedback, and probably other motivations, but nothing to do with hating characters – a lot of the nastiest request shit I wrote I didn’t have a clue who the characters were, but the writing motivation was there so I went on and did it and I guess hoped for some kind of validation in their reviews. For this one – ‘bout 10/11 years ago the author Deathstalker had his own little forum and there was a prompt/challenge thing where a couple writers could set each other a character to write something horrible about. For this one I suggested the witch/sea goddess from the Pirates of the Carribean because I thought it could be a tough challenge (it never got written in the end), and in return Soemele gave the suggestion of some plus size actress I’d never heard of or seen in anything. The original version I wrote therefore had her name and appearence but not a lot else to connect to her, and I changed a bunch of the details to create Gertie. I think it was the last proper RPF story I wrote before deciding I wouldn’t do anymore, which is why it never got posted anywhere except briefly at DS’s forum. There’s a credit at the start for Soemele suggesting a plus size character which is literally all I got from ‘em for it. I seem to recall they didn’t like how it turned out anyway, but I may be misremembering and would happily take a correction from anyone there who remembered better.

Oh, and for incest being practiced easily Twingpregnation :p

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Dude, I just spent a week writing what I thought was violent porn, and now I've read this and... I think back and realize holy fuck my violent porn is soooo vanilla compared to this. You put me to shame. Kudos. I think? Though, as really messed up as this is, the ending did actually make me smile a little bit. Your writing, even this graphic, shameless snuff, is amazing. You make me feel shit I don't wanna feel. You make me laugh when I don't want to laugh. You make me feel anger and disgust and respect all in one fell swoop. You're awesome. I think. 

Thank you! Anger and disgust seem like legitimate responses! I don’t even respect myself though… The ending was only implied in my first version but going back over it for the re-write I thought it would be very slightly more balanced to let him have a moment in the sun. It’s not really Cadence going for equal opportunity cruelty because it’s a lot faster than Gertie got, but it’s a step that way.

I’d disagree on one point… it’s graphic, shameful, snuff I’d much rather be the kind of author who only ever put out happy fun time stories like Fucking Halloween Party or You! but I have this kind of horror show bullshit that comes out sometimes. I suck, I think! But you’re awesome for leaving a review (and in general!) and I’d like to thank you again.

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Jesus Christ. I need a drink

When toplessrobot’s old fanfiction friday reviewed my old Star Wars story “You Can Take the Boy Out of the Moisture Farm…” in 2008 one of the tags used at the bottom of the review was (and is!) "Things That Make Me Drink".

It seems to be a shared and understandable reaction.

Thanks again, and I really am sorry you put yourself through it.

Edited March 16, 2019 by JayDee

[JayDee]

Jude’s Tale is nearing it’s end with two parts to go. Unless the next part gets split into seperate parts in which case three. That’s not the plan, but there’s already been two non-original-plan parts, with a third one now planned for the final part so… Ayyy.

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@InBrightestDay

This chapter may not have been part of the original plan, but I think it explores a fascinating idea, namely that Kizurial's borrowed flesh has, to an extent, a mind of her own.

Granted, it's hard to say how much of it is the mask and how much of it is the seraph, since under normal circumstances they're the same thing, and what we see here could be equivalent to a splinter personality, sort of the angelic version of Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I like the idea that the construct made of borrowed human memories has actually awakened to sentience.

Why?  Because Kizzy/Kizurial is a Star Trek fan and our "mask" is basically an artifically intelligent gynoid.  We just went full "The Measure of a Man" here.

Thank you for your review! I love that there’s some depth and thought provoking stuff in there. Heh, I did have some more Star Trek refs in the original draft, but cut ‘em all for space with only the passing red shirt reference left. Hell, it was a bit of a repeated theme in Star Trek, besides that one around Data’s rights, they later had an actual Artificially intelligent gynoid in “The Offspring” (I mean the Data’s daughter episode, not the 90s pop-punk act), and besides TNG’s moriarty stories, hologramatic life and sentience were big in Voyager. Kizurial would definitely be aware of all that

I guess it’s pretty much like Kizzy says, Kizurial and her Angel assistant did such a good job that the mask can pass properly for life. Jude certainly seems convinced. Of course, as another part of Kizurial’s plan for Jude, then having the construct act and feel that way could still be entirely artificial. But going to “I think, therefore I am.” The mask Kizzy certainly thinks she is thinking… I wonder if this, done as a reactive plan to the Void Blade could cause problems for Kizurial down the road… the re-absorbed mask persoanlity and thoughts coloring Kizurial’s own more than when she was able to just draw on them to act similar to a mortal (and she still had trouble with that in her early days on Earth).

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Also, funny lines:

“But... I don’t feel dead.”

I love this one, because it implies that Jude has an idea of what being dead would feel like.

He’s walking and talking so the obvious thought is  “I feel alive!” but Jude went the wrong way there for sure. No doubt with some funeral mental images. Heh. Thanks!

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“I am not a lesbian! I like men! I don’t even fancy Shannon, and she could make a desert wet!

That's just a hilarious way of describing Shannon, frankly.  Actually, while the borrowed memories would naturally include a sexual orientation, that has to be a somewhat confusing experience for Kizurial, since I'd imagine she didn't really have a sexual orientation before.  I wonder what that's like for her.

Thanks again!

I figured that as a Seraph, Kizurial was probably too far removed from humanity, unlike a Luzurial or Chastia type, to see them in a sexual way any more than she would other mortal sentient species. She was probably effectively asexual even, with affection and compassion and so on, but no sexual desires in that sense. Now there’s a place where more insistant thoughts from the re-merged mask part of her could color her thoughts. She totally ignored any attracting thoughts of Jude’s appearance when she first met him, but now, if a guy with an actual decent personality (or a terrible bad guy genuinely seeking redemption and reforming) flirted with her… 

Oh, god, I just had an awful inappropriate thought for I! if I manage to write it…

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Finally, this chapter gives us a glimpse at the good Kizzy saw in Jude.  He could choose to sacrifice the girl, who is making it very clear that she's not even a real girl, in order to escape an existentially terrifying destruction, but instead he chooses not to.  I'm sure part of it is guilt, since he says he deserves to be unmade, but I think a lot of it is that he can't bring himself to allow an innocent to die, even if she's willing.

All in all, a thought-provoking and emotional chapter, and I like that you decided to include it.

Thank you again!

Yeah, he’s even felt the pain of the Void Blade’s version of unmaking already – it’s not just existentially terrifying, it really fucking hurts body and soul– but he’s reached the stage where he’ll take that over sinking any lower. It doesn’t get rid of his guilt, or make him any better of a person – and Kizzy snapping at him is me trying to make it clear that it doesn’t really make amends even if she finally accepts his apology – but it does show some good in there. If the whole chapter was Kizurial testing Jude to see how dedicated he was to being decent person, he passed…

Is it pretentious that my replies to reviews seem to end up longer than the story parts? I think maybe it’s because you’re writing in the shared universe I like to expand on my thoughts around it, even in reply to other reviews, or more like I just like rambling on. Probably that.

[JayDee]

Jude’s Tale has another review which says what we’re probably all thinking about the original title.

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@Thundercloud

Chaper 1-3

I would begin to say that I after reading the first 3 chapters are kind of confused about the title of the story. It seems you are setting up a situation where Jude tries to follow his orders and he is doomed to die afterwards. If he dies the title seem kind of misplaced or are the point of the story to follow his soul to afterlife in heaven or hell...the current title of "Jude's Tale" might be better than the original title, but I do think both titles are kind of lame and does not really tell the reader what to expect.

Thank you for your review! I agree with the lameness. Basically I came to dislike the original title (it was too damn obscure for one) and I really wanted to change it. Unfortunately at that point my mind went blank so after a couple days stewing I went back to the ancient format of X’s Tale – as you say it doesn’t really cover what to expect (the summary is a little better for that but still vague really, could do with a punch up), but I really didn’t want to leave it as “untitled story”. If I think of something more evocative or less lame then I’ll change it again and hope not to confuse too many people.

I suppose I could argue him dying doesn’t stop the original fate part being appropriate since dear old Atropos would insist dying is everyone’s fate but misplaced or not, definitely lame.

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Speaking of characters and point of view I really like the switching perspektive. The initial chapter with Kizzy is brief but she comes accross as cool. In the second chapter we get Jude's viewpoint and it is generally well written even if I had expected more background about Jude to understand better who he is...espectially if this story is meant to be his tale. In the third chapter we get the person seducing Jude to trick him to do his dangerous mission.

It was @InBrightestDay who inspired me to keep going with perspective switches for this story so credit again there! I’m glad it worked out good.

There are more hints at Jude’s background, but in parts 4 and 5 he’s even more an extra in his own story. I think it’s down to me doing the flashfic 1000 word count challenge and having thinner character portraits to leave more words for the stuff I did show. Alright, tell.  The flashfic format almost comes like computer game resource management trying to get the balance right. Could definitely have done with more about him than what Kizzy gets from his mind in part 1 or his self pity and resurgent prejudice in part 2. I do have his motivations for ending up like that thought out, so will try and find a good place to share ‘em. And if I fail it’ll be a weakness in the story.

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The sex in the car hot was and I espectially like the point of view during the scene that felt fresh and new. All in all a very promising start of the story and I look forward to read chapters 4-6 and upcoming future chapters.

Whoohoo! As basically a pornographer most of the time it’s always really awesome to hear someone found a sex scene hot.

Thanks again for your review, I really appreciate both the positive words and the honest appraisal of the bits that haven’t worked so well for you.

[InBrightestDay]

16 hours ago, JayDee said:

I figured that as a Seraph, Kizurial was probably too far removed from humanity, unlike a Luzurial or Chastia type, to see them in a sexual way any more than she would other mortal sentient species. She was probably effectively asexual even, with affection and compassion and so on, but no sexual desires in that sense.

I’d imagine that in her true form she probably doesn’t have primary sex characteristics, so asexual would be my description.

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Now there’s a place where more insistant thoughts from the re-merged mask part of her could color her thoughts. She totally ignored any attracting thoughts of Jude’s appearance when she first met him, but now, if a guy with an actual decent personality (or a terrible bad guy genuinely seeking redemption and reforming) flirted with her…

Awkward moment.  Still, we know from You! that her personality isn’t changed so much as to be unrecognizable, so it’s character development rather than derailment, thankfully.

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Oh, god, I just had an awful inappropriate thought for I! if I manage to write it…

I’m afraid to ask, but a part of me really wants to.

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It doesn’t get rid of his guilt, or make him any better of a person – and Kizzy snapping at him is me trying to make it clear that it doesn’t really make amends even if she finally accepts his apology

True, but the first step to becoming a better person is realizing you have a problem, and this is probably as direct a way of showing him that as possible.

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Is it pretentious that my replies to reviews seem to end up longer than the story parts? I think maybe it’s because you’re writing in the shared universe I like to expand on my thoughts around it, even in reply to other reviews, or more like I just like rambling on. Probably that.

I don’t think it’s pretentious at all.  This is the place where you can fully explain, as you said, your thoughts on the story and the ideas behind it, and I’m always glad to hear them.

[JayDee]

14 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

I’d imagine that in her true form she probably doesn’t have primary sex characteristics, so asexual would be my description.

I’m sure someone, somewhere, has a thing for ‘on fire’ at least.

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I’m afraid to ask, but a part of me really wants to.

Maybe she’s developed a thing for guys who’re prepared to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, and if such a guy somehow survived and strove for atonemnet and redemption, no matter how bad he was before…

Plus, T-Dog has an enormous schwanzstucker, and maybe she’s into that kind of thing.

As I said, an awful inappropriate thought.

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale comes close to a conclusion. May the creator have mercy on the readers souls.

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@InBrightestDay

“You were being unmade when last I saw you.”

“I got better.”

So, if the Duchess weighs the same as a duck...

Monty Python jokes aside, I liked several of the ideas presented here.  First, there's Jude's attitude toward his own fate.  Admittedly, since he died while committing a sin (attempted murder and whatnot) he's going to Hell, but there's also the fact that he seems to think himself beyond forgiveness and thus actively refuses it when Kizzy offers.  One example of someone kind of like that from the Bible is Judas Iscariot, and as it happens, "Jude" is a variant of "Judas."  The name is generally used to refer to the other Judas (yes, there's more than one), but I can't help but wonder if that was intentional

Thank you for continuing to review this story! As ever, I really appreciate the review.

I figured that there’s been a few decades of people dying and then thinking they’re the first to quote some film at an angel and some of the angels have long since stopped finding it funny. The tall angel (who for the sake of naming in my head I’ve been thinking as Temira) is especially sick of it.

I just had the idea of him being called Jude before anything else. Later as I did the first scrap I figured Jude’s parents named him after Jude the Apostle, who had centuries of less educated folk mixing him up with the less popular Judas and so less veneration than others got. That it also echoes Judas Iscariot was absolutely intentional, though not really because of his incredible sense of guilt – I kinda feel bad for Judas because he basically did what he needed to anyway, if he hadn’t someone else would have had to, probably. I bet if he’d gone and found ‘im afterwards and said sorry, Jesus woulda been “It’s cool, bro.” Only, you know, in Aramaic or something.

Kizzy offered him the chance at redemption working as an Earthbound soul (“Kate, please stop using the ghost to chill vodka.”) but he thinks he can do more in Hell, after Kizzy gave him an idea for redemption. Probably doesn’t hurt that she has confirmed he has a degree of protection due to the Duchess’ promise, being at least so far as lesser demons go. On the other hand, if a certain fallen Seraph has a look in his mind and takes offence…

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Second, I love the idea of Hell as a dark reflection of Heaven, complete with mirrored locations (the mire for the lake) and weirdly coincidental dialogue.  And, of course, another good joke.

“What are the sins of these souls?”

She flicked her eyes across the mire.

“These? They read stories on the internet and didn’t leave reviews.

So this is what Sarsa was talking about when she mentioned untold agonies.  That was for a flame, sure, but same idea.

Jude’s just thinking it is a reflection of Paradise because he saw a big lake in both places. He didn’t see enough of Paradise to really know, although the definitely oddly coincidental dialogue probably doesn’t help his perception!

If Dante could write people into Hell for shit he didn’t like… Also, yeah, Sarsa established that kind of thing is serious business in this universe so some of these damned souls could literally be people who Sarsa is upset with and sent down, but before Kizzy is on to her. Heh. Unintentional interstory continuity!

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The third idea I really liked was Kizurial's idea for Jude to follow a righteous path in Hell.  That kind of reminds me of...well, I know you've said that you only reference the works of C.S. Lewis in horse-related matters, but in The Great Divorce, Lewis put forth the idea that redemption and salvation are attainable by all, but that most in Hell either deny their sins or stay there because they think they deserve it.  What Jude is going through, combined with what Kizzy suggests to him, kind of feels like that.

I think yeah, you’re probably right. It’s almost a theme I’ve been trying for at all along – Shannon seeking redemption through working with Kizzy, and in the Fall of Chastia story Luzurial actively hopes that even Lucifer might be redeemed, and even T-Dog does something decent at the end of his life, but it’s also in there when I was talking about how sucicides might go to Hell in the setting though many are undeserving of it but believing they should. Then they don’t necessarily have to stay for long. I wonder if it was Chastia’s way of treating the suicidal souls in her care that kept so many unwilling to reincarnate and take another life. Another reason Lucifer put up with her doing things her way, I suspect. Jude absolutely thinks he deserves Hell too, though. Kizzy’s forward-thinking enough to have kept the scar as much for his benefit as for what he sees as her reminder. She’s not going to forget really!

Oh, yeah, despite all that? Eparlegna’s pretty much beyond redemption. You’d have to hollow him out and make him someone else to even get close.

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And you Jeb, she ended your life! You begged the chance to return empowered and take vengeance upon her! How is it you haven’t brought her pelt for my floor, and the vampire’s fangs for my necklace?

I love these suggestions of other stories going on in this universe.

As soon as Shannon left with Kizzy, the Duchess set a plan in motion to further hurt her by killing her friends. Things… things went poorly for the attackers because Kate and Lupa were really up for a fight, they’ve had some training with Kizzy, and also Shannon had a few tricks and traps about the place – her knack for that kind of thing was first shown with the jewelry she created in the Slumber Party story, but also got a look-in with her understanding of Astrid’s spell in Fucking Halloween Party and her working out how to get Lupa into the warded house in You! She’s not just a pretty face and insatiable libidio!

Might have to tell that story some day…

“Oh for fuck’s sake, is it the fucking mormons this time?”

“Bunch of ghouls. So almost. Oooh, I ate that one! And that one and… hey, it’s like leftovers that come to you!”

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“Duchess.”

“My crusader.”

“I desire the pleasure of your company. Will you have a picnic with me, on Earth?”

awkward...  Also, there's something kind of funny about asking a demon on a picnic.  That made me smile.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

He took Jan out for a proper dinner, all the Duchess gets is a picnic. I guess you don’t carry so much money when dead.

Well… I hope it isn’t a disappointment. The last chapter. I don’t know that this one worked as well as I wanted, ah well.

Thank you again!

Edited March 22, 2019 by JayDee

[InBrightestDay]

4 hours ago, JayDee said:

I figured that there’s been a few decades of people dying and then thinking they’re the first to quote some film at an angel and some of the angels have long since stopped finding it funny. The tall angel (who for the sake of naming in my head I’ve been thinking as Temira) is especially sick of it.

Speaking of angel names, the Principality Tegwen.  Google reveals that Tegwen is a name based in… I see why you were thinking of her having a Welsh accent.  And the tall angel, Temira...Temira is apparently a Hebrew name that literally means “tall.”

This works for the angel, obviously, but I really wonder who gives a human child a name like this.  I mean, how do you know if your kid’s going to be tall enough for that to make sense?

[JayDee]

It helps if you/your relatives are tall because it probably means you’ve had the right combination of genetic and upbringing/nurtering background to get there so hopefully your kids will too. You feed ‘em the right probably high protein or something diet and make sure they get the right exercise, and hope they end up tall! Or do that horrible operation where they break and re-set the legs with a gap and people end up with weaker legs but more inches. I dunno. Maybe a lot of the time it’s like Pulp Fiction where Butch says American names don’t mean shit – folks don’t bother checking the meaning, they just like the sound of a name that originally meant Tall or something.

Temira might be the original source for the name meaning tall in that story universe

Thanks again for the review.

[JayDee]

Jude's Tale final part will hopefully be finished by next Thursday, ‘cos I’m gonna have very limited internet access Friday and Saturday and a chunk of Sunday. 

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@Thundercloud

Chapter 4-7 Spoiler

I usually try to write reviews that does not need the spoiler tag, but these chapters are really plot intense so the tag needed to be able to write a review.

 

I’m just happy to get reviews! Thank you for ‘em, I appreciate the thoughts and comments. However you want to do ‘em is fine by me.

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Chapter 4 is mixture of chapter detail and Jude doing the planned action from the last chapter. There are many great parts of the scene. Shannon bursting through the wall and distracting Kate was great. The exchange about the buttplug was also really funny...but it was the first time it was mentioned in the scene and I was left uncertain if Shannon kept the plug in or picked it out. As I sidenote I realize I have not been playing any rMario Kart in ages and apparantly not recent games since I had to google the blue shell reference to learn the details.

Thank you especially for this bit! Many great parts? I love that compliment! Yeah, she left the buttplug in, she was probably still hoping to get back to Trenna quite quickly (she can be a bit of an optimist when it comes to sex). I haven’t played a Mario Kart for a while either, but that blue shell sure was annoying on some of the ones I have played

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Chapter 5 is mostly about arriving to heaven and felt like a very short chapter. I like the interaction and detail about the number of souls was nice. As for the ending of the chapter I must say that I find it really confusing to keep track of your multiple earths and timelines.

I don’t always find it the easiest myself!

I kind of wrote my way into it back in The Slumber Party of Evil Doom without ever expecting it to matter. It doesn’t really impact most of the stories. There’s about five stories I’ve done plus Inbrightestday’s The Woman in the Statue taking place on one Earth, and then a bunch more are taking place on the other Earth, but which ones are which doesn’t really matter

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Chapter 6 Really nice interaction between the characters and you add some interesting story details about how an angle can use a mortal body. The detail of the hammerings on the walls was a cool detail, the last part of the void blade?

Yes, the hammering was how the Void Blade’s effect on the barrier was perceived by Kizzy and Jude. I’m glad the interaction came across good!

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Chapter 7 I liked the development in this chapter, but could not help wonder how Kizzy could leave something of herself. Is really angels at liberty to give away part of themselves to hellbound souls? On the other hand Kizzy maybe just have borrowed it out so Jude can redeem himself and will reclaim it eventually. The scene from hell about not leaving reviews left me laughing. I did not understand the references from the shouting voices...references to some other story of yours?

Kizzy basically gave Jude the equivalent of a layer of the skin on the tip of her little finger, tiny for her, but huge to Jude. This is down to the different power levels between a seraph and a mortal soul. Doing it allowed her to patch up the damage to his soul from the Void Blade, which had begun to be unmade, but also empowers him a little eg with the mind shield..

As a seraph, Kizzy answers only to The Creator. Besides following her creator’s commands and guidance, she’s at liberty to do anything she thinks is the right thing to do. Sometimes she gets her decisions horribly wrong.

Jude enters in the middle of the Duchess shouting so with it being from his POV he doesn’t understand it either!

He doesn’t know any of this, but: When the Duchess knew Shannon left with Kizzy and Jude, she sent empowered and armed ghoul types to kill their Lupa and Kate – for being friends with Kizzy and Shannon as much as anything. The Duchess can be really petty. Anyway, the ghouls made a shit job of it for various reasons and she’s upset with them. There is a reference to another story – Jeb was killed by Kate in Blood on the hay. I figured the Duchess did some research into Shannon’s friends before starting and discovered how some real nasty pieces of work like Jeb had been killed by Kate, and ended up recruiting them from their own torments, possibly because seeking revenge makes them more powerful. Or something.

Thank you again for the review.