StoryJunkie Posted September 10, 2006 Report Share Posted September 10, 2006 Being writers, I thought you'd be interested in this e-mail my sister sent me the other day. I nearly peed myself by the time I got to #12, and was wiping tears out of my eyes by the end. Have a great week! Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year, to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners..... 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 700 p.m. instead of 730. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph. 14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this just might work. 20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alien Pirate Pixagi Posted September 10, 2006 Report Share Posted September 10, 2006 23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lightgoddess Posted September 10, 2006 Report Share Posted September 10, 2006 23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. ROTF! That was my fave one, Pix! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Adara Posted September 10, 2006 Report Share Posted September 10, 2006 24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. LMFAO...I can't wait to use this one.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chibi4president Posted September 10, 2006 Report Share Posted September 10, 2006 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 700 p.m. instead of 730. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph. 15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. WTF?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jackie_Boi Posted September 11, 2006 Report Share Posted September 11, 2006 I saw this list in another thread...can't remember tho. Still funny even after reading em for the 5th time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Zimarah Posted September 11, 2006 Report Share Posted September 11, 2006 That made my day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest xirene Posted September 15, 2006 Report Share Posted September 15, 2006 Totally hilarious...had to cut and paste into email. Some of those are just classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pink Lace Posted September 17, 2006 Report Share Posted September 17, 2006 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. Genius! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Zimarah Posted September 17, 2006 Report Share Posted September 17, 2006 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. Lifted from Douglas Adams? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Corvis Posted September 18, 2006 Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this just might work. *snorts* These were hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StoryJunkie Posted September 18, 2006 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 you guys should try reading them out loud! It's hard to be coherent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Enchanted Faery Posted September 23, 2006 Report Share Posted September 23, 2006 17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this just might work. This two are great! i so need to use them! This had me cracking up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Agaib Posted September 24, 2006 Report Share Posted September 24, 2006 Lifted from Douglas Adams? Those were My thoughts exactly. Though I don't remember that EXACT metaphor from his books, it is very much in his style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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