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DSaph

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  1. I see exactly what you're saying. I'm going to try to get that part right. I think I breezed over it and completely missed the mark and my intention. Thanks!
  2. Yeah, thanks for noticing that about the tea ceremony! That's why Madara gets upset with her about it. There's a note at the end mentioning that the tea ceremony is a thoughtful process. Was that not clear? I'm finding that people are misconstruing what I write which means I need to make it clearer. What do you think could make that section more clear about Temari's actions in contrast to how they should be or am I wrong in how I read your message? I am happy to get concrit. I just noted that one thing he said was absolutely not true. I even mentioned that his other advice was good. Next time I'll just ignore those parts that aren't really relevant and watch my tone with it. I'm just finding this whole thing is pounding my self-confidence into the ground. Is my story really not that good? I know everyone won't like it. That's not what I'm asking. Idk anymore...
  3. I still don't think you actually read my story. Madara is still on the battlefield. The fights haven't changed at all yet. His clone is interacting with Temari. I state that he's a clone a several times throughout the story. It wouldn't make sense if he wasn't using clones. I really think this is where you're getting confused about Madara. And I don't think my interpretation of Temari is so different or as off as you think. Perhaps I used the term fandom wrong. My Temari is very defiant, but she's sticking close to the manga and anime in her physical abilities. She has access to her chakra but what the heck can she do with it if she can't get out. I did go back and make up for the scene I left out. That was a big gap on my part because I found that I actually did describe why kamatari couldn't work and how she knew there was no way out, but I lopped it all out without thinking about the consequences. I've gone back and added some of that back in. But again, Temari wouldn't fight him tooth and nail because she would end up dying or seriously injured she knows this. She's seen Madara in action before. Thanks again though for replying and trying to help me out. I would just appreciate it if you had read the story instead of skimming it before offering advice. There's absolutely nothing wrong with skimming something. I do it many times myself. I get that this isn't your type of story. I'm grateful that you want my story to be better, but at least read it well before giving those kind of statements. I'm really open to making my story better, but that kind of thing just frustrates and discourages me. I know you write, and I'm sure you know how a review can affect someone. I just want you to know your comments did help me in some ways though. I went back and looked at my descriptions and added a bit more as well. I know you're not my beta, (I need one, but no one's offered.) so you've already gone above and beyond replying to me. It's just that Madara thing got to me because I can tell you didn't read it. Like I said earlier, if it continues to seem that folks don't like it I'm just going to remove it from the site.
  4. I did think about the audience. My story will eventually get racier, but I didn't think AFF was only for stories with mostly sex. I have to say that I think my story makes sense. Anything Temari tries on Madara will not work because he's reanimated and she has no seals on her. She says that in my story. They would end up stuck in a constant fight and then he would kill her. End of story. My Temari is too intelligent to start a fight she knows she's going to lose. And she also doesn't have a way to escape. So she would just be stuck there by herself. I also explained why Madara chose her. He doesn't kidnap her for a sex slave. I never say that. He wants to make her feel weak and useless. What plot elements are missing? Some may have not been as fleshed out as you would like, but what wasn't there at all? Did you actually read my whole story or are you commenting on what you skimmed? I appreciate many of your comments and I have edited my chapters accordingly, but to say that my story is illogical is a bit much. Temari is often portrayed a certain way in fanfiction but in the manga and anime she is tough, but not reckless. She's well aware of her limitations. She also knows when to act nice and when not to. She does this with Gaara on multiple occasions by turning on the sweet sister act. I know my Temari is different, but she's not OOC unless you count fandom. When I say "she has no seals on her" I mean sealing tags they use on the reanimated shinobi.
  5. I understand completely that every story isn't for everyone. So I really want to thank you for taking the time to think about my story and trying to help me make it better. You've given me some really important things to think about and clarify. I hope I get more readers who care as much as you. After I post the next few chapters, if folks continue to not like it I'll pull it and go back to the keyboard. This is my first try at recreational writing and I can only get better.
  6. So I went and looked in my original draft and I did explain it because I previously had Temari attack Zetsu when he arrived. I ended up cutting the scene because it was already a bit long and I didn't go back in and explain why she doesn't try anything. Thus creating a big gap in Temari logic.
  7. Hey Agent G, I know this is a bit much to ask, but I went back to chapter 1 and looked at what I wrote for the place description. I'm definitely going to add a line about how many doors there are, but what else should I add? It's just an underground room with a kitchen, dining area, and couch. I think I might go back and add some atmosphere, but then wouldn't that be adding more to the story without upping the tempo? I then describe the three rooms she later finds unlocked. That's all she knows at the moment. As for the jutsus. Other than her summon (which I conveniently ingnored although I'm sure I had a reason to do that) there's nothing she can really do other try to seal him, but I mention that she doesn't have any sealing tags. But I'm going to reason that out for her earlier in the story than when I do it. I took it for granted that everyone would assume there was nothing she could do against Madara. I'm going to go and lay all of that out in an edit. It should be pretty soon in the story so it makes sense as to why she doesn't try anything. I can definitely go in and reason that out for her. I also need to pay more attention to Madara's intentions. It's a mystery to Temari, but I can definitely see how the reader would be like "BUT WHY??!!" I'm going to have to figure out a way to say it without saying too much. As for the darkness...I'm still not sure if it's going to be completely dark. That's probably why I didn't do a great job explaining why he's so nice to her. It's definitely going to be dim, just not too bloody. Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it. I'm going to make some changes tonight. Hopefully they'll be for the better.
  8. My second review is from AgentGv01 Well it's a bit too slow of a build up here, plus the chapters are kind of on the short side a few of them could have just been merged to make the chapters longer and I think the slow build will turn off some people. I kind of started skimming since with so many questions without answers it gets a bit on the dull side. I'm not even sure where she is as the way you described where she was could have been better. Is she supposed to be that huge underground area we saw in the manga/anime or some other places? Plus how come she never once used any kind of jutsu? Also why is he wasting his time with all of this instead of fighting? It just seems odd that he just stops his plan before it's completion to do something like this. I've been wondering about chapter length so thanks for that. I will make them longer. I personally couldn't tell whether they were too long or too short. It'd be great if you'd let me know what "too slow" means. I know the slow build will turn off folks, but what do you think could have been cut-out or condensed. Maybe the Zetsu conversations? I'm not sure, but I'd like to talk about it. As for the location, it's a large place underground that's similar to that place we saw in the manga/anime. I want it to stay a mystery to Temari, but it probably would be helpful for the reader to know. It's just that where it actually is located becomes an important reveal later in the story. So I'm conflicted between just letting it stay a mystery and telling you. Does it really matter where the place is to the reader? As for Temari using a jutsu, which jutsu would she use? She had her fan taken away from her. There is also no way for her to leave that she knows of. Madara is down there with her because he's bored and he's planning for his expected victory in the war. I think I'm going to explain that a bit more because if you're wondering then others are too.
  9. So my first review from "Guest" #1 says Very slow developing story. I wish you the best on future chapters. Yes, it is a pretty slow story especially when it comes to the sex. It will include it, but I just couldn't jump right in. I've changed the summary to try to reflect this. I know a lot of people come to AFF for instant/quick gratification but I hope it'll be worth it in the end. Thanks for the well wishes and I hope you come back to my story for future chapters.
  10. Hi! I'm writing "Dancing Winds" and I'd really like to talk about it. It's my first ever fanfic and I'm willing to hear all feedback. I'm going to reply here and if there's anything anyone would like to share about the story feel free to either leave a review or come here.
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