olefish

No problem. There's no rush. Whenever you have the time, I'm ready. I really appreciate you taking the time.

My condolences. I hope you're doing well and bouncing back. If you're interested in some beta reading, I have a novella about illiterate male prostitutes and vampire tutors. the romp set in Renaissance France. The sex scenes are few. but there's a lot of innuendo and blasphemy. Again, I hope you're doing well.

I'm looking for a beta to look over my bits and parts of my original novel. The story centers around Claude who moonlights as a prostitute in Renaissance France. He pisses off the wrong person one night, and the man returns to demand restitution Well the stranger turns to be a sexy and very dangerous vampire. The novel is mostly about Claude evading his clutches and succeeding and failing in various ways, mostly comical, sometimes life threatening. There's quite a bit of religious blasphemy, and the sex scenes are few and not graphic. There's a lot of innuendo though. I find innuendo more interesting than explicit sex personally. People mention that the writing style is different. So I'm looking for beta readers to comment on story arc. Special bonus if you do some editing. See the first chapter We can trade stories if you would like. I have a very critical eye. Anyway hit me up if you're interested

post chapter 9, Edited chapter 8. Anyway, I keep reading over, I keep seeing place to edit. I can't stop tinkering. Chapter 7 is due for a slight overhaul. Mostly just to move scenes around for maximum impact and more dramatic flow. Really, I can't stop tinkering.

editted chapter one again. Ah well.

chapter 7. Well things are heating up for MC. How long does Claude have to live? Guy is pretty is scary. Will Guy fall for Claude and decide not to kill him in the end? Read to find out.

Reads really harsh because there is no sensuality at all, unless of course the hard-edged tone is what you're going for. it is all action, no feeling. This is really not a guy or a girl thing really. It is just the basics of showing vs telling. You tell us that the thoughts were making her hot. You tell us the actions. You tells us that she's fucked every way she liked. Telling doesn't put us in the moment. But you don't show feeling. The mechanics of female masturbation is simple, watch Porn for details. Instead of fluffing a cock you are rubbing a clit or a sticking a finger inside. Worry less about anatomically correct descriptions. Think about yourself and picture the feeling and sensations frame by frame. You are in a bath. How does the water feel on your skin? What does the air feel like? Slow down to a standstill and describe the moment. Your thoughts begin to wander. Naruto comes to mind. What first about him do you notice? The arms, what is about them draws your attention? "Big strong arms" is a bucket full of cliche. Do they glisten? Are the veins pumped around the muscles? How pink are they? Here you add sensuality. THe jaws? The lips that you imagine the wetness of his tongue. Does he lick them at you? Draw your eyes down his profile, the pecks and abs, and over to the groin. Sexual feeling awakens. But what kickstarts it? The tingling the back your head? The heat pooling over your groin, that impels you to touch yourself? How does the water feel now? Describe the buildup of feeling moment by moment. Choice verbs and good adjectives go a long way. Stay away from cliche. If you resort to cliche, you aren't thinking hard enough or imagining hard enough. You would find yourself thinking harder and sweating for the right words to capture the moment. Well, now you are writing with feeling.

Woohoo Chapter 5. Read it and salivate.

Chapter four up. As always if you like or dislike it, do say something.

Here is the whole pitch. Claude runs away from God and into the arms of a demon. Claude just lost his hat and a gambling bet. A client took his arse for free, and his lecherous master has informed him that he should look for new place to live. And when he tried to steal another hat from a stranger, that too ended with no gain. He takes the hint. God wants his redemption and seriousness. The stranger comes by in time to offer him a paradise of fucking and fighting. But at what price to his dark soul? Read here the struggle between the cross and the black in a world strangled with the demands of God and men.

Chapter 3 up. Woohoo.

And now with chapter 2

Author: Crazyfish Olefish Title: Paradise of the Damned Summary: A male whore, Claude just can't get a break, and then he pisses off a mischievous vampire Feedback: Feedback and constructive criticism much appreciated. Fandom: Original Pairing: N/A Warnings: Anal, HJ, M/M, OC, WIP URL:http://original.adul...hp?no=600104563